I Want To Have A Baby, But I Can't.

I want to have a baby, but I can't.

Every month I hope that maybe this time it'll be different. I have spent so much money on tests that will never be positive, but everytime I'm holding my breath for another line to appear.

It never does.

Luckily I'm with a man who doesn't want kids. He says they're too expensive, to loud, and unnecessary hassle. He doesn't understand. Its not a conscious choice I make, wanting a child. It's something primal, deep in the fabric of my very being.

I was made to be a mother....I AM a mother. But to whom? The only baby I ever had was stolen away from me by Deaths kiss, ripped out of my body while I sobbed alone. I was only 19. But that baby is probably the only one my body will ever grow.

And I know, adoption is a beautiful thing. I love my adopted siblings as if they were my own blood.

But growing a baby inside my body? Thats something I'll never experience again so let me mourn it. It's a loss that no one around me understands.

Sometimes I really hope there's no afterlife. I just really hope there's nothing but sleep.

Every once in a great while I wonder if we are really aliens that are playing a virtual reality game and we have gotten so into the game that we've forgotten who we are

"The female tarantula hawk wasp stings a tarantula between the legs, paralyzes it, then drags the it to a burrow, where a single egg is laid on the spider's abdomen, and the burrow entrance is covered. When the wasp larve hatches, it creates a small hole in the spider's abdomen, then enters and feeds voraciously, avoiding vital organs  for as long as possible to keep the spider alive. After several weeks, the larva pupates. Finally, the wasp becomes an adult and emerges from the spider's abdomen to continue the life cycle."

I feel like the tarantula, paralyzed while life eats away at my body until one day my body can't support life anymore and life crawls out and leaves my emptied out shell to rot.

The thing about Supernatural and Good Omens is that they’re completely different kinds of storytelling and definitely different experiences. You watch Good Omens in a couple afternoons and you enjoy it very much, maybe you watch it again a few other times, maybe consume or even produce some fanworks. You inject Supernatural into your bloodstream and it does to you what anti-vaxxers and conspiracy theorist think that vaccines or 5G do to you