A Little Work In Progress Character Of Mine!

A little work in progress character of mine!

She's a clown!!

Please ignore the hair, I don't know how to draw hair.

It's nearly 3 in the am and I can't sleeeeeep.... Really wish I had some of that plushy chair tired, but the living room feels wrong when it's this dark. Like I'm not supposed to be there and I'm breaking some kind of living room rules. But there are no rules keeping me in my room past midnight, so that's silly. But it feels wrong.

I'm trying to think of a better way to describe it.

I guess it'd be like that feeling when someone touches your back and you get scared and uncomfortable. Kinda. But like, phantom back touches.

I can do better than that.

It's like, that feeling that something bad is going to happen but you don't know when or how, so you're just there in a looping state of scared, nervous, and uncomfortable.

I hope that makes sense. I hope I used thr right sense. "I hope that makes since?" That word always gives me a headache, my goodness..

(please ignore any spelling or grammar issues, I'm tired, read it over once, and thought it was good enough.)

Do you ever feel like your face isn't your face? Like, 2 seconds ago, you were fine, your face was yours, and things were just chilling. But then out of no where, your face isn't yours and your skin is too tight and nothing is right and you don't know why and it's all just too much. And there are some times, where the body is wrong, without the skin tightness. Like I'm suddenly not me anymore, like I'm spectating someone else's life. And then there are times where you just feel.. floaty. Like you're not really there but you are and you're out of your body, like you're looking at yourself in both the 3rd and 1st person.

Sometimes I forget that I'm not a kid anymore. I can just leave. I can take my bike and go. It's so weird! It feels like I'm rebelling or something, but there are no rules to leaving.

I guess just let mom know if I'm gonna be out super late, and try to be quiet coming home.

But I'd do that anyway

maybe that's not even a rule, maybe I just made it a rule for myself. Like messaging her goodnight, when I'm away. Do I really have no rules here? If I do, why am I setting some?

Anyway, I'm sitting outside of my Poppy's house, because I felt like biking somewhere and I don't know where to go.

I'm happy I'm not a kid anymore, I can do stuff like go to the dollar store without sneaking, and I can go outside late at night, but I do kind of really miss it.. There was a lot that I didn't like growing up, but I miss the childlike wonder and discovering things for the first time and pretending to go to tutoring but actually just chilling at the back of the school. It was fun!

I didn't have a rebellious phase as a kid, unless you count the tutoring and dollar store things. I sometimes wonder if I'm living out my 18 and 19 year old years as a rebellious phase. But then it circles back to the lack of rules. So am I really being rebellious, or am I just being a college-aged kid?

I wonder if this is one of those pointless contemplations. Did I use that word right? Contemplations? I'm gonna assume I did and move on. But I wonder if this conversation I'm having with myself if pointless. Does it matter what I call this? I'm not going to change the behavior, regardless of the label.

I didn't want to bike today. I actually am supposed to do something, but I just really don't want to. I'm happy I did tho.

I should probably go do that thing, instead of sitting here. I can always sit again later, I have ti come back in a couple of hours to take care of Stella.

I have noticed that I have an awful habit of lying and excuse making. I planned out this elaborate thing to get out of a little, unimportant task, rather than just doing it. I'm already outside! I just don't want to talk to anyone. I lied earlier in this very post, as if my mom has a tumblr and will see it! She doesn't even know what Tumblr is, or how to find me on it!

Anyway, I'm procrastinating, and was about to go on another tangent about talking, so I have to go.

Update, I'm getting Green and Hero is getting Red and now I'm being bullied for my choice of wheel. I will not elaborate.

So there are 3 green party hats and 2 red party hats. The adults get gold hats and Wyatt gets a silver hat. That leaves myself, Hero, Andrew, and Owen to get hats. Hero and I just spent the last 20 minutes pondering which color we want, like the decision will change our life. I like the green more, but Hero had the idea of asking Andrew, to see if we all want to wear green. But Andrew wants red. And after we got our answer, it occurred to us that we're wildly overthinking party hats and it doesn't really matter because we're gonna forget about the hats after tonight. But they do make us happy, so maybe it does matter and we're not thinking enough about it!!

In other news, apparently bapping a balloon is balloon assault, according to Hero. But I know he bapped it before.

Hero and I are trying to sing a duck song and Wyatt is very angrily demanding we stop