Revelation

Revelation

The idea that people would be friends with their siblings was mind boggling for a long time.

I have two brothers who are significantly older than me (6 and 10.5 years). The age gap is enough I suppose to explain our lack of closeness, but it's definitely more than that.

When I was young I was desperate for validation from them, particularly the one closest to me in age. He had a lot of resentment for me as he believed I was the favourite. He also is a certifiable genius and I think that just makes a person more susceptible to being, well, an asshole.

I'm sure I was annoying; my desire for his time and companionship likely manifested itself in "obnoxious brat" form. But he made it a point to make me feel stupid, insignificant and unwanted at every opportunity. When he was angry with me he would hit me, usually across the head. I don't remember it processing further than that with him, but I began to associate insults and physical abuse with ' family' and 'loved ones'.

My eldest brother, well, I have recently confessed to my parents that he actually terrorized me. His bedroom was in the basement, and when I'd hear him coming up the stairs I would dive under the dining room table on instinct. On more than one occasion he would use me as a toy to abuse. "Play" too rough and accuse me of being ungrateful when I begged or whined for him to stop, cheat at games and deny it, break my toys in front of my face if I was irritating him. I still remember my feelings of helplessness.

When I was 7 or 8 he grabbed me by the throat, lifted me off the ground and pinned me to the front door. I have no idea what he was thinking or what a little kid could have done that would have sparked that kind of anger.

From there on in i would lock myself in the bathroom of my brothers got angry with me.

I was learning the basics of how to survive in a home with a monster.

SI

Tw - suicidal ideation, Plans.

I've lied to everyone who has ever asked. I have had a plan for a while: run my car off the road on the highway at the highest speed I can manage. Run into a pole or cement barrier.

That way, it could look like I just lost control and the people I love wouldn't have to torture themselves wondering what they could have done to prevent it. ( Ps. The answer is : Nothing).

So now you know. Plans ruined. Can't do it now.

Sorry for the meltdown last night. That was dramatic.

It’s Magic.

I have been trying to write this post for three days. I’m finding it difficult to put my head into words.

I struggle with Magical Thinking.  Ex): I was horrible to my mother as a teenager, and some of his rants sounded like things 14 year old me would have said.  So, naturally, the torture I endured for 13 years must be punishment for this.

It’s .. bonkers and I know that, but I don’t always, know it.

I believe a lot of the shitty things that have happened to me are the result of decisions I have made even though the links ... well... there aren’t any. This is my brain making connections that don’t actually exist - like I have a conspiracy theorist living inside my head.  And that conspiracy theorist is a jackass.

Because not only do I blame myself for, well, everything, I’ve learned to negotiate with my inner conspiracy theorist jackass that if I suffer enough,  perhaps I can forgive myself for past mistakes and prevent future horrors. 

I think i have always had these issues, but honestly, I have a hard time remembering the details of my mental state prior to him.  What I can say for certain was that he made these thing worse.

On top of also blaming me for everything, he especially reinforced the you-must-be-punished-for-your-crimes-real-or-imaginary mentality.  

He did lots of the punishing himself, but he had me do it too.  I learned how to self harm without any of the tell-tale signs.  

Before you pass judgment on one who is self destructing….❤️