Repulsion And Longing.

Repulsion and longing.

Purging old paperwork as part of my ‘self care’ routine. Lots of documents to remind me of when I used to be a functioning adult with a mortgage and electric bills and such.

So much of it with both of our names on it.

He unblocks me to send me snide comments and then blocks me before I can respond. He doesn’t realize that I don’t respond at all anymore.  And shortly I will be blocking him - when I gather up the nerve.

Careful.

When I was young, I romanticised suffering. I hoped that some day I would have terrible things happen to me. It would make me glamorous and interesting and everyone would be dying to talk to the girl who'd experienced real darkness.

Um.

What they don't tell you about the grief stages is that they aren't a linear progression. They kind of splatter all over the place.

Today I saw a bit of rage - I got in a screaming "Fuck You" match with someone over a parking space. I think if she had come near me I would have stabbed her with the pen in my pocket.

I am certain this goes without saying, but it wasn't about the parking spot. * Insert cringing emoji here *

He never understood why I'd cry after he said sorry.

It’s completely normal. You are finally safe and can start processing and healing.

Confession

A few days ago while at the mall, I stopped in at the store that sells his cologne. I pretended to browse for a gift, but really I just needed a fix.