Survival.

Survival.

when lizzo said “self love is survival” and when hannah gadsby said “do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? it’s not humility. it’s humiliation” and when mitski said “i used to rebel by destroying myself, but realized that’s awfully convenient to the world. for some of us our best revolt is self preservation”

I auditioned for a show I REALLY wanted and was not cast. I feel this is the end of my youth.

[while choking back a sob, tears visible] i’m good dude i’m so good. i’m way fucking. good. man. i’m GOOD

I made these and I'm quite pleased with how they turned out. I'm always a little surprised when I can do things, since he said I can't do anything right.

Turns out, he's wrong.

Here is to another year of pumpkin carving and another year of healing. Happy Halloween friends.

Still

Fifteen years later.  I don’t really remember who I was before I met him.  

Green eyes?

A friend of mine has a baby. And i really want to feel connected to him.

But I don't.

It could be distance; they live halfway across the country and I know him primarily through pictures. He and I have met, and he is very cute and funny.

But I'm a little worried that I've put up an invisible wall that will prevent me from having a meaningful relationship.

I was the first of my close friends to get pregnant. They all had their children. I didn't have mine, and I worried that I'm jealous.

There is no regret in my decision; it was undoubtedly the right one. But many times I wish things had been different.

It could also just be a trauma response, and that would be completely reasonable.

But I can't help feeling guilty when my other friends gush over pictures and videos of him and I've already lost interest.

I feel like a monster.

Sufficient time has passed and I feel calm enough to write about my last days on my job. 

My resignation letter detailed my last shift as October 22, as well as days I would be taking for my liues.  I also gave him a schedule for my last 4 weeks.  He came up to me on the Thursday (21) and said “You’re done on the 7th, right?”  To which I replied that no, Friday was to be my last day.

He proceeded to tell me that the lieu days would not be paid out, that he needed two more days from me - one the one week, and one the following.  That I had no choice.  He was frantic - clearly he needed to get things from me and was too foolish to set aside time for it. Taken aback, I said I would look into it.

The following day he sends me an email where he wrote ON MY RESIGNATION LETTER that I had agreed to stay longer.  This was the last straw. No.  So I sent a response to him and his boss, stating that I had not agreed to stay and that I was to be paid out as I had requested.

He flies up to my office 15 minutes later stating I had it wrong and he was offering me those two days as an option. So I could be paid out for a full two weeks.  It was for my benefit that he so graciously offered me that option.  He then told me that he  “didn’t know what goes through [my] head sometimes” and then walked out of my office.

I remember what gaslighting feels like.  If there was any doubt in my decision prior to this, it was gone completely from that moment on.