I Still Think About Him Basically Every Time I Get A Quiet Moment: In A Fitting Room, At A Red Light,

I still think about him basically every time I get a quiet moment: in a fitting room, at a red light, in my office, in the shower.

Recovery is a bitch.

I Got A New Phone

I'm playing around with the ring tones, attributing specific ones to my regular people.

The tone I used for texts from him was in the list of possibilities. When I heard it my stomach dropped and I broke out into a sweat.

Does this shit ever stop?

I curse him out aloud sometimes. From a memory or a feeling or just general unhappiness.

It's confusing for everyone.

How do I eliminate all thoughts of him?

I still think about him basically every time I get a quiet moment: in a fitting room, at a red light, in my office, in the shower.

Recovery is a bitch.

“What would make someone want to stay in a relationship like that?”

It’s been two years tonight, as of this very moment. Two years since the first time I hated him for a minute. 

It took the worst thing that ever happened to me to get me to even consider leaving.  And it still took me a year.  

Happy New Year

Last year as I entered 2018 broken and scared, I made the decision that, whatever happened, 2018 was not going to look like the Hell that was 2017.

My 2018 in Summary:

1. I cut him off and stuck to it without caving.

2. I took my fitness seriously again and (despite some self inflicted set backs) became stronger than I have ever been.

3. I went back to theatre after a forced 3 year hiatus.

4. I started digging in therapy and made it about me again.

5. I came out.

6. I started dating.

I don't give myself credit often, but I think I kept my promise to myself in a big way.

The romanticized, yet ellusive, idea of happiness isn't real to me, but 2019 feels like it's ripe with potential and possibilities.

It has been a long, long time since I have felt that way.

ready for female bodies to stop being treated as inherently pornographic right about now