I Really Miss Sharing Body Heat.

I really miss sharing body heat.

I've just impulsively installed Tinder. Someone talk me out of this.

Two years ago I was pregnant. I screamed at my dash and punched my steering wheel and melted down hard after taking the second one. I was stoic and unfeeling most of the time, but this... This was too much.

I don't know why I can't bring myself to throw these things out.

“But you seem so put together.”

I’m not going to lie.  When I tell people that mentally I am a pile of disaster, there are plenty who are shocked.

It makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.  You all get to see that I am actually a human puddle, and not at all put together - so I laugh.

But it also puts more pressure on me to keep up the facade, because apparently it’s working.  And that is just exhausting.

Humiliation in parts - Part Two

TW - named body parts, and, again, way too much information about me.  Lots of things not tagged again.

He told me that my vulva had a very strong odour, and he made reference to it frequently.  He told me he could smell me sometimes when I was fully clothed.  I was shocked as no one had ever said it to me before.  He guessed they (my previous lovers) didn’t tell me because they still wanted a piece, but they probably told their friends about it and laughed.

This was so humiliating and I became obsessive.  I’ll spare you some of the silly things I did, but I spent hundreds on products.

Eventually I consulted my doctor while I was getting a pap.  I apologized and asked if I could do anything about it.  He looked puzzled for half a second and said “Your ‘odour’ isn’t strong at all.  It’s pretty mild actually.  So, no, I wouldn’t do anything about it.”

I don’t entirely trust my doctor, so while at another clinic some time later I told the doctor there that my partner said I was “pungent.”  “Do they have a really sensitive sense of smell?  You fall on the milder end of the spectrum...”

I decided that the day he made me ask my doctors to smell my vulva was the day to start taking his criticisms with a grain of salt.   

Humiliation in parts - Part One

TW - reference to a sexual act under the cut.  Also, just... way too much information about me.  There is a lot of things I won’t be tagging here.

In the thirteen years he and I were together I think I can count on one hand, maybe two, the number of times he performed oral.  Yeah.  And when he did it wasn’t exactly ‘enthusiastic.’  He tinkered just enough to make us both uncomfortable, and give him the gall to say say “but what about that Tuesday last month?” when he was making some unrealistic demand.

I never pressured him to do it, hell, I didn’t even ask for it. I wouldn’t want him to do something he had an aversion to (though I’m sure we could speculate why he didn’t want to do it).  However he ensured that it was never something I actually wanted or asked for.