If You Or Someone You Know Is Struggling With Thoughts Of Hurting Yourself There Are Numbers You Can

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Old Letters - Rafael Barba Imagine (Law & Order: SVU)

Title: Old Letters

Pairing: Rafael Barba X Reader

Word Count: 1,352 words

Warning(s): mentions of violent threats (non-descriptive)

Summary: A threat from (Y/n)'s past starts causing problems again and no one is allowing them to take it on alone.

Author's Note: I've watched a lot of this show over the last few days.

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I hadn't noticed that I was acting differently. Not at first, at least.

I had snapped at the team a few times. I knew that much. But I assumed it was my mind focusing on the case. I was taking it seriously. That was a good thing. That was always a good thing, wasn't it?

I thought so until I made it to Rafael's office with Liv to discuss what we had found.

"It's conclusive evidence," I said.

"To us, to a jury...," Rafael trailed off.

"Always assuming the worse," I muttered.

"It's my job," he replied, standing from his chair. "I have to be able to see where potential landmines are."

"No, you just like operating on the idea that the jury is going to be full of assholes," I snapped. "Because then, when you get a good verdict, it inflates your ego because look at you, you made the assholes show empathy for a victim-"

"(Y/n)."

I looked at Liv when she spoke. Her eyes were wide. I had never acted like this before, especially not with Rafael. The two of us were always close, even before we had started our relationship.

"We'll go," she said simply. "We'll call with any updates."

I took a deep breath before going to follow her out. She made it out the door before Rafael spoke up.

"(Y/n), wait-"

"Rafael, I have work," I said, trying to wave him off.

"And your work has never resulted in you snapping at me or anyone on your team," he replied. "Especially, not like that. Something is different about this case."

"Nothing is different. I am perfectly fine. I have to go."

He grabbed my hand to get me to stop. "Please, talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about," I pulled his hand up to press a kiss to his knuckles. "I'm okay."

"You very clearly aren't."

I dropped his hand. "You don't get to decide that."

I walked out before he could question me any further. I only stopped in the doorway.

I tried to go about the rest of the case like nothing was affecting me. It seemed to work for the most part. If anyone noticed something, then they didn't say it.

I held onto everything until the court case was over.

After that, it was like any wall I had broke down. No more distractions. I had to confront what was happening.

I had managed to change into some more comfortable clothes and get to my window before it all came crashing down.

I almost felt stupid as I placed my hand over my mouth and started crying. It was all just fear. That was the only real explanation that I had for sobbing like this.

"(Y/n)?"

I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes when I heard Rafael walk in. The only person that I trusted with a key. He told me that he was coming over tonight.

"Hey," he said softly. I heard him setting some stuff down before walking closer. I turned around to face him. "What's wrong?"

"You were right," I admitted, blinking away a fresh wave of tears. "I... I'm not okay."

I folded in on myself a bit as I sobbed.

"Hey..."

He walked over and pulled me into a hug, letting me cry into his shoulder. I tried to focus on stopping the tears. I didn't want to sit here and feel sorry for myself. Rafael was too nice to me. He didn't complain, didn't ask questions, didn't shush me. He just held me and waited. Too patient.

I eventually leaned back, avoiding any eye contact as I leaned on the window. I only looked over at him when he leaned on the window next to me. He offered me a small grin as he grabbed my hand.

Again, too nice.

"This guy," I tried to explain. "It was the first guy I caught with S.V.U. He got off easy considering what had done. A few years, maybe. Should've been longer. Now... he's being released. This case... the timing... made everything spark back up again. Those feelings that come from your first case."

"Okay," Rafael nodded. "There's more."

"He wrote me a letter when he first got sentenced," I continued. "He had a plan ready for when he got out. Pretty... detailed. I'm the one that cuffed him, I'm the one he's after."

"Does anyone else know about that letter?"

"I was stupid and embarrassed and scared. The guy had my address."

"(Y/n)-"

"I thought it was weak," I cut him off. "I... I figured I had enough time that he would give up."

"And then?"

"Another letter was placed under my windshield."

"(Y/n)-"

"Stop scolding me, we were in the middle of a case."

"You're staying with me," he shrugged.

"No," I scoffed. "I'm fine. I can handle this."

"This wasn't a question," he said as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. "I'm calling Benson. You need the team to back you."

"I don't-"

"Please."

I paused when I saw the look on his face. He was typically calm, calculated even. This was not that. This was fear. Pure fear. I nodded and went to pack a bag.

Benson was waiting when we got to Rafael's apartment.

"Liv," I groaned.

"You needed to talk to me."

"I had it handled-"

"No, you didn't."

I looked down. I deserved the bluntness of her response.

"We need the letters."

I sighed. "My desk at my place. Top drawer. I hid them in some old conference pamphlet."

"Thank you."

"Come on," Rafael placed his hand on my back, leading me inside. My bag was thrown over his shoulder.

We didn't talk for a little while. I put my bag down next to his bed and sat on the edge of it. I looked around the room, trying to become more accustomed to it. He walked into the room a little while later.

"I've never stayed here overnight," I said, trying to lighten the mood. "I just figured you liked my place better."

He chuckled. It made me grin.

"I'm sorry for how I treated you earlier," I mumbled as he stood next to his dresser, probably finding empty drawers for me to use. "I don't actually think that you're obsessed with your ego. I should never have said. I shouldn't have snapped at you at all. You have been nothing but good to me. I am so, so sorry."

He turned back to look at me. There was still a gentle grin on his face. I wish he would just be mad at me once. Not always so understanding. I never thought that I deserved it.

"I forgive you," he said. A bit of weight rolled off my shoulders. Thank God.

"And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. About the threats."

"I'm not upset with you over that," he shook his head, sitting next to me. "I wish you had told me, yes, but it's not your fault."

I reached over and grabbed his hand. "Thank you."

He kissed the side of my head. "Need anything? I could order something."

"Sleep," I chuckled. "I need sleep. I've been running off caffeine and very little sleep through this whole case."

"Make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back."

I nodded at him as he stood up.

I was curled up under the covers by the time Rafael joined me He chuckled at the sight of me almost hiding under the blanket.

"You tricked me," I muttered as I wrapped my arms around his torso. "This bed is much nicer than mine. You should've told me."

"My apologies," he replied, pulling me closer to him.

I chuckled and relaxed. He leaned over and kissed my forehead.

"It's going to be alright," he mumbled against my skin. "We're gonna keep you safe. The team is gonna keep you safe."

"I know," I said. "I trust you. And them, but mainly you."

"I love you."

"I love you too," I grinned at him.

I fell asleep soon after that, actually feeling safe for the first time in days.

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