Basic Human Evolution

basic human evolution

early humans: hey guys! we have Life Water!! come live here!! modern humans: we have the Big Fish Water. give us money so you may behold its beauty.

in Germany!! they have!! gummies!!! instead of old mints!! at fancy restaurants!!!

if life went by disney channel logic all these politics and international crises could be solved with a dance battle. like I wanna see world leaders doin an uncoordinated cotton eye joe while putin pops n locks stiffly in a random greasy theater while the opposing sides in conveniently matching t-shirts enthusiastically fling unoriginal insults and words of encouragement from the crowd

you: tell me you like cheese without telling me you like ch— me: *summons cows and goats, who gather in a circle around you* *fondue rains from the sky as I lift my hands to the heavens* *cheese is up to your waist as everything around you slowly turns yellow* *you smell a familiar aroma, cheese raining down in torrents and rising up to your neck* *you scream, begging for mercy as your eyes fill with a murky yellow haze* *you hear faint moos and bleats above, and the last thing you see is me, untouched, floating, surrounded by cows and goats with a halo of cheese around my head*

i know a bit of spanish and i’ll speak it when necessary, but sometimes the lil workers in my phone will misunderstand and send me an ad in spanish. and then its just like. aww. thanks cuties i’m flattered you think i’m competent enough to understand this

the goal: chaos

the goalie: garlic bread