Tw: Sa And Rape

Tw: sa and rape

No, because why does a fucking language trigger me just because he speaks it. Why?

Why does long blond hair trigger me? Why does the mention of a whole country just because he lives there??

Fuck this. Why does a staircase trigger me? My aunts house? Seeing my little cousins grow up? Cold blue eyes?

Everything that reminds me of him. The way he forced himself onto me. I just want to forget it

I don't want to get flashbacks and nightmares and all that ahit just because of this one man that couldn't keep his hands of a 6 year old.

I named the fly in my room Larry, he landed on my hand and I think that is the closest that I have felt to another living thing in days.

Tw: suicide

One of the friends I made while I was in the mental ward killed himself.

He was also a trans dude pre official name change or hrt. He was a few years older than me.

He loved art. He was really good at it. I got to draw into his sketchbook.

I didn't know him well but I did look up to him. I thought that maybe at his age I could also start doing better.

Now he is gone. He is dead. He will never get to have his own art gallery or feel right in his body.

I'll try for him now. And for all the other people that couldn't continue.

I'm glad I got to know him...

Thinking about this one guy on summer camp which made me feel right.

He would sing to me. He would hold me when I was to drunk to walk. He would stargaze with me. He would go on midnight swims with me. He would build little gobling houses out of stickes and stones and moss with me. He would hold and cuddle me for hours.

He was everything.

He made me feel like I didn't have to pretend.

He showed me unconditional kindness. I asked him how and why and he hugged me and explained that I deserved it.

I miss him. I'd really like to be in his arms and have him sing to me right now.

Tw: sh

I want to swallow the glass splinters that I am using for art right now. I want to to feel it cut open my throat and fill it with blood.

It just looks so crunchy. So tasty. Just made to be eaten. Just a tiny piece won't hurt, right?

Tw: scars

I'm feeling bad about my scars...

They are so ugly and just gross.

Not.scars overall, just mine. Just because they are on my body.

I want someone to tell me that it's okay, that my scars are a part of me and beautiful. That they don't change anything.

I want my scars to be kissed with gentle lips to be handled with care but also to not be acknowledged at all?

I want kisses all over my scars. To show love and tenderness? To make me feel whole.