Tw: Ed

Tw: ed

I think it's kind of funny that the chain in disordered eating behaviors is prominent in my family.

Like, my mother learned from her mother and I did from her. We pass our fears and regrets on to the next generation.

If I survive and decide to raise children, I'll try to break that chain.

It will be hard, generations of making food the enemy is not easy, but I will do it.

Tw: mention of sh relapse

Fuckkkkkk

I relapsed. Ahhhhh, why??? Why the fuck am I so weak? Fuck this. I hate this. Why can't I change???

What the actual fuck?

And I still want more. More. Moremoremoremore.

Please?

Tw: sh and suicide

My cuts from my last relapse are getting infected and there is pus and the skin is all red and inflamed and it hurts and I am so tired and just want to end it all...

It would be so easy to just take something and get it all over with...

Why am I crying again? Ahhhhhh! All I would need right now is a hug and and a shoulder to cry on.

Why? What the fuck?

collection of useful things tumblr has taught me:

even if you can't fall asleep, laying down with your eyes closed will still rest your body

you don't have to brush your teeth standing up

you don't have to do any chore standing up, from dishes to showering

you don't have to shower with the lights on

if you can't brush your teeth, flossing and a tongue scraper gets rid of plaque and bad breath

if you can't do that, mouthwash kills a lot of bacteria

eating "unhealthy" food is better than eating no food

you can make the same meal everyday for however long you still want it

some pills come in syrups or chewables if you can't swallow them

kids nutritional shakes can be a quick way to get fuel if you can't eat/don't have time

if walking hurts/exhausts you on a regular basis, canes and rollers are for you, no matter how young you are

we have free will—if doing something "out of the ordinary" makes life easier for you, do it

Tw: mention of sh

I relapsed... again. Again.

Why the fuck can't I stop?

I try so hard and I still come back to it?

There is so much blood and it feels so good and I feel so free and high.

I know I shouldn't, but it seems like I can't escape. I just have to cut.