There Is Something Beautiful About Actually Feeling Loved.

There is something beautiful about actually feeling loved.

After talking, after having an actual talk, he told me he loves me, and I could belive it.

It was hard, but I could belive it. And I love him too. More than I want to. More than he knows.

I won't get addicted to him. I won't make him my whole world because I shouldn't. Because it is bad. Because it is sick and because it hurts both of us. Not just me, and I want to keep him safe. Even if it is from me.

I'm also learning to understand him. I am learning to understand the way he acts. Why he does or doesn't do things.

It's beautiful, this slowly building connection.

Tw: drugs, sh, suicide

I made my mum cry 2 times today. And I feel guilty for it, but at the same time I just feel numb.

It's funny how hearing my perception of the world and her actions can make her cry when she always tells me that I have nothing to be sad about.

I think that she loves me, I just also want to feel it.

Feeling this numb is always a risky time, right now it would be so easy to just take a few more of my sleeping pills and leave.

I don't mind the pain I cause other people when I can't feel it. It's freeing to not care and cater to everyone's needs, but I also loose everything that makes me me.

I have to get out of this state or it could get dangerous. Maybe I'll make myself bleed again, relapse after more than two weeks again. Or I could drink, wake up tomorrow not remembering anything and with a headache that will kill me. Or maybe I should just smoke some weed. Relaxing and unwinding, caring even less but in a nice way. Getting lost in the smoke and my own mind.

I don't know. I probably shouldn't do any of it. I know I shouldn't. But keeping me alive takes killing me slowly.

I miss my boyfriend. We wanted to meet today but we didn't and now he asked if I wanted to come over and sleep at his place but I am at home, and since I live in a little village there isn't any public transportation that would go at this time.

I really wanted to see him before I leave for a week...

I'm feeling terrible because we couldn't meet because of how bad I planned it all and I misunderstood stuff and didn't communicate enough.

But it's done now, I can't change it anymore...

I fucking love my boyfriend.

I asked him some questions and he answered "sure" to everything, which is nice but also stresses me because of the one word answer.

I was about to ask if he was mad at me and he was like "my pookie".

Bam. So easy, crisis averted. Now I am reassured and happy again and that without having to ask for it.

Fucking love him :)

Scared.

Panic.

Fucking terrified.

I'm at the meeting point for a camp and there are so many people that are all older than me and I an overall not good with people and I have the strong urge to just run.

Hi, I'm finn, I'm 18 years old, I am a queer trans boy (pre t) and trying to get better.

If you are racist, queerphobic, abalist or overall a bigot, DNI, I will block you if I have to

This blog is my vent blog, this means I will complain, rant and vent, or maybe just ramble sometimes.

Triggering topics that might come up sometimes:

• self harming behavior

• disordered eating

• suicidal ideation

• sexual assult

• rape

• abuse (mostly emotional)

• drug abuse

Like I said, I am trying to heal and get better, I do not want to encourage any of the behaviors that I used or still.use to cope.

If you are feeling bad, get help, you are a wonderful human being and deserve help and support.