I Thought I Was Signing On To A Job So I Could Get Insurance, Get Through My Transition Surgeries, And

I thought I was signing on to a job so I could get insurance, get through my transition surgeries, and keep on pursuing my dreams.

Found out last night that I am now expected to give my life to this job, to commit mind body and soul to it's pursuits because it is giving me so much.

My friends told me I need to give up on going to the school I want, for the degree I want. Focus on business and work on moving up in the company.

What I want is wrong. The phone I want. The car I want. The goals I have. The dreams I hold. How I hope to be a mother is selfish. How I want my name is stupid. Everything in my life is foolish, and they are just telling me out of love.

Suddenly, the people who made me feel the safest are sounding like all the people in my life who hurt me. "we are doing this for your own good" "can't you just understand we are trying to help you"

And what's more, I have no actual sense of my own reality. I can't ever tell which way is up. In which direction is my paranoia pushing me? All I know, is I haven't been this close to the edge in a long time.

I am circling the void.

Dancing dangerously along the precipice.

Delusions drive me on

But they make more sense than "reality".

The real world doesn't seem real.

It seems as though the bigger lie.

Dreaming of flying

Jumping

And tasting the air

Little godling

Lost in time

Working in capitalism so I can transition while my soul steadily withers

This lil lady is 9 months on HRT :)))))

I have been made to feel like a possession again.

As if the room for me to exist in has been fixed.

A need to shape me to fit others lives

At the cost of my own soul.

And why shouldn't they?

I am a danger to myself.

Left to my own devices I slip out of control

And lose myself entirely.

Why am I falling so?

What has caused me to completely lose all the progress I have made?

Why am I so angry and hurt?

Why do I feel so broken?

I am afraid I am never going to be stable.

That I get periods of relative stability

Only to see it all crash again.

I am terrified this is going to repeat itself forever and ever

And that there isn't anything I can actually do.

I don't know how to live this way.

Life seems increasingly hostile to my existence.

My neurordivergence finds no bounds

And I do not believe any amount of medication

Is going to save me from this collapse.