Yoichi Shigaraki - Tumblr Posts - Page 2

An Exercise in Futility (Part 3)

(I'm wondering if I should just bite the bullet and post this on AO3 when finish it because it's already at like 4k words and I don't think Tumblr can handle that 😅)

Part One, Part Two

The sky was a deep, gloomy gray, bathing the world in a thin layer of rain and ice. The resulting cold hit him like a block of ice to the throat, drawing several prominent coughs from deep in his lungs. 

Thankfully, he didn’t have to tolerate it for long. Hisashi’s black sedan sat just under the awning, shielding him from the downpour that had started not long before his pretend appointment. Wrapping his arms around himself, and sped over to the car and hopped in the back seat, hacking quietly into the back of his hand. The leather of his seat was already pleasantly warm when he got in, it was almost like climbing into a preheated oven. It waved away the cold, shoving it out as Yoichi yanked the door shut behind him.

As he reached up to grab his seatbelt, he found himself fumbling with the strap. Despite only being in the elements for a total of ten seconds, he was still trembling, cold eating away at him as he drew his oversized coat a little tighter around him.

His hand was still plastered over his mouth, flecks of discolored phlegm coating it. He resisted the urge to groan at the sight of it. Reaching into his pocket, his heart froze as he was met with just fabric. After a few seconds of patting frantically, it dawned on him that he’d left the one piece of medical equipment he’d continued to use on his bathroom counter that morning. He didn’t have time to panic, however, as an inhaler was pressed into his shaking hand. He jumped, eyes widening as he looked up to see Hisashi staring at him with that special kind of intensity he gained when he wasn’t sure whether or not Yoichi was in danger.

“H-hey–” Yoichi managed, his weak attempt at a smile devolving into a fit as he doubled over, spitting up a particularly thick piece of mucus out into his hand. 

Hisashi shook off his loose grip on the inhaler and instead brought it to Yoichi’s mouth himself and using his free hand to brace the back of his brother’s neck. He paused his wheezing just long enough for his brother to administer the inhaler, holding his breath for several consecutive seconds to let the medication do its job before he exhaled again. Hisashi, however, wasn’t satisfied until he’d taken two or three more inhales and was no longer actively choking on his own oxygen.

Yoichi took a shuddering breath as his brother leaned over and secured his seat belt while he recovered. He frowned down at his hand, sticky with phlegm, and started rooting around in his bag for a kleenex or some form of tissue. He was already off to a bad start, he didn’t need Hisashi seeing the faint speckles of what was probably blood on his hand.

But, for better or for worse, his brother was already on top of it, handing him one of the fancy handkerchiefs he kept tucked into the pockets of all his suit coats. Yoichi cringed as he dirtied the soft, silky piece of fabric, but he did feel a lot better after cleaning the sick off himself. Strategically folding it, he shoved it into the pocket of his coat before turning to face his brother with an actual smile.

“Hi!” He croaked. “I didn’t know you were coming to get me today.” 

Hisashi looked him over slowly before answering. “I realized you neglected to bring your inhaler after you left and figured it would be better if I brought it myself. I also wanted to be sure you got the notes from the doctor this time, since you always seem to forget, little brother.”

Yoichi’s heart started beating a little faster as he smiled, sheepishly replying. “Yeah…I guess I do that a lot, but can you blame me? They always tell me the same thing every time, it’s not like I can’t remember it long enough to tell you.” He straightened up, adjusting imaginary spectacles on his nose and began reciting. “BP–118 over 79, 80 BPM, FEV1–62%–”

“Only 62%?” Hisashi interrupted as he turned up his nose. “That’s rather low, even for you.”

“Shit.” Yoichi thought. He must’ve mixed up the numbers from before he had his last hospitalization. Thankfully, a lie sprung into action before he’d even finished panicking. “Yeah, the doctor said that’s normal since it got cold all of a sudden, nothing to write home about, but obviously he’ll check on it again next time.”

Hisashi hummed, and Yoichi tried not to fidget under his brother’s gaze. After a few uncomfortable seconds, his older brother let out a quiet sigh and gestured for the driver to take them home. Yoichi resisted the urge to sigh as well, instead blowing a few strands of white hair out of his face as he tucked his legs under himself. A quiet ding from Hisashi’s phone drew his brother’s attention, but with his free hand he took a travel mug out of the cupholder and handed it to Yoichi. 

The sleeve was still hot, warming the tips of his fingers as he cradled it to his chest. He gave it a little sniff, catching a faint whiff of mint. Taking a cautious sip, he found the liquid to be pleasantly warm, as always. He would’ve liked it to be a little hotter, but alas, he had taken a while to get settled, so it was his own fault really. Leaning back against the seat, he tucked both his legs up to curl into a ball on the seat. Hisashi glanced over at him, eyebrows pinched. Yoichi smiled, waving as he took another sip. 

“Thank you, brother.” He hummed. “It’s perfect.”

Hisashi nodded, looking back at his phone as he held out a hand. Yoichi stared at it for one second, then two, but his brother didn’t say anything, just crooked his fingers. After a few more seconds of nothing, Hisashi leaned over the middle seat without breaking his attention from his phone and reached into Yoichi’s coat pocket, rummaging around. Coming up empty handed, he leaned even further to dig into the other pocket, pulling out the reminder card. Yoichi let out a quiet “ohhh” before taking another sip of his drink, watching his brother right himself and bring the piece of cardstock back.

 Hisashi’s eyes jumped from his phone to the card, back to his phone again. The corners of his lips turned down ever so slightly, and he held the card a little closer to his face, squinting at it. Yoichi froze, drink halfway to his lips. He frantically tried to recall whether or not he’d missed anything. Helga was always incredibly thorough, but could she have forgotten a detail? No, there really weren’t any details to miss, so what could’ve set his brother off?

“Breathe, Yoichi.” Hisashi said absentmindedly before setting the card down and picking up his inhaler. 

Yoichi sucked in a sharp breath, sitting up straight. “Sorry.” He waved away the offered inhaler, “s’ fine, I don’t need it.”

Hisashi held it out anyway, gesturing for him to grab it.

Yoichi couldn’t hold back his sigh, but resisted the urge to roll his eyes, “really, big brother, I’m fine, it’s just a little cough–”

“Yoichi.” Hisashi narrowed his eyes, cutting him a look as he pushed it a little further. 

The message was clear: “Do it, or I do it for you.”

Yoichi swallowed, shrinking away as he cradled his drink to his chest. The two brother stared at each other, but the younger knew he’d already lost. Face twisting into a frown, he thrust out his hand with palm up. Hisashi let out an airy chuckled, setting the device in Yoichi’s hand and gently closing his fingers around, giving them a little pat. Yanking his hand back, he shoved the inhaler between his lips and took in a dose. Holding his breath, he slowly counted as the medication sat in his lungs.

Hisashi watched on, waiting until he was sure Yoichi had actually administered it before he spoke. “I’m coming with to your next appointment, I have some concerns that I want to address with your practitioner–”

“I can do it!” Yoichi jumped, practically spitting the drug back out as he clambered to sit up straight. “I…what are you concerned about?”

“That was only five seconds, little brother.” He scolded. “You’re supposed to hold it for ten. Try again–”

“–But–”

 “Now.”

Something about his tone made Yoichi want to stamp his foot, but he settled for a half grunt and the eyeroll he’d suppressed earlier. He was well aware he was being a little pendulant, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. However, another stern glare from his brother had him obediently taking another shot of his inhaler, folding his arms over his chest as he gestured for his brother to speak while the medicine went to work.

Hisashi drew his answer out another few seconds before he replied. “I don’t like how tired you’ve become lately. I can barely get you out of bed in the morning and half the time you’re back in it before the sun sets. It can’t be a normal side effect, and if it is, then it’s time to change medications. Not to mention, your coughing is getting worse, don’t think I haven’t seen the blood–Yoichi Shigaraki do not open your mouth prematurely again, let me finish–or heard you tossing at turning at night. It's excessive, and I’m no longer confident in this specialist’s ability to treat you. But, I want to see their incompetence with my own eyes first before I move you elsewhere…”

Yoichi’s heart sank. He thought he’d been doing well at keeping the harsher side effects of his illness hidden, but he understood he should’ve known better than to expect Hisashi to be oblivious to his declining state much longer. Honestly, it was a full-blown miracle he’d been able to carry on with the deception as long as he had. And, to think, it wasn’t even the staff who gave it away, it was Yoichi’s own negligence in continuing his treatments.

“There’s a new doctor here in Japan I’d like to get you into actually. I began vetting him during your last…visit, and I think he may be just what you need to see some improvement–”

“What’s the point.” The phase slipped out before Yoichi even realized he’d been thinking it. 

In fact, he didn’t know he had said it out loud as he let his attention drift out the window, eyes tracing the raindrops as they trickled down the glass. They were approaching the manor, having just passed through the oversized gates that guarded the estate. Honestly, they were less of guards and more decorations. Hisashi had said so himself, apparently the official who had lived there before them had a wife that adored the delicate white columns and glassy beading, however impractical it was. Still, despite proclaiming its uselessness, his brother kept them for some reason. Yoichi couldn't fathom why, his brother was always so practical, and they were just big, pretty, ornately designed pieces of metal that would probably tip right over if you pushed them hard enough.

Just like Yoichi.

“…what did you say?”

An Exercise In Futility - Part Four

(My college chemistry class decided to kick my ass these past few weeks, so I haven't had much time to write, which sucks, but whatcha gonna do? Finally got to sit down and go to town with this one, so I hope a few people enjoy!)

Part One, Part Two, Part Three

TW: Suicidal Ideations and Terminal Illness

-

“…what did you say?”

And there it was, the reminder that Yoichi had, in fact, actually uttered the very thing he’d sworn to keep a secret to the only person he’d never wanted to tell. The car rolled to a halt in front of the house, but Yoichi couldn’t even wait until it had fully come to a stop before he was unlatching the door and jumping out. Hisashi’s panicked squawks were drowned by the pounding of his own heart. He made for the front door, leaving behind nothing more than a muttered, “nothing, sorry,” to placate Hisashi’s demands for an explanation.

Throwing the door open, he barely made time to kick off his shoes before speeding down the hall to duck into his room and yank the door shut behind him. For a moment, he considered dragging a chair in front of it, but he knew there was little that would stop his big brother should he decide that he was coming in, least of all a tiny chair.

Looking around his room, a wave of exhaustion hit him and he let himself wilt like the sad little flower he was. The room smelled stale, even though he’d just been there that morning. The curtains were half drawn, letting in patches of gloomy light to catch on the dusty floor. Yoichi couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt up to vacuuming…or really anything other than a simple tidy…and it showed. 

His jacket slid right off his boney shoulders and landed in a heap on the floor. Shuffling over to his bed, he faceplanted, wriggling forward to bury himself under one of the many blankets piled on his bed. He knew Hisashi would be along momentarily, he never was one to let things go, but for a moment he just wanted to pretend everything was fine. 

Because it was. It was fine. Eventually, he wouldn’t have to do this anymore.

“Yoichi.”

He jumped, just slightly. He hadn’t even heard the door open, but Hisashi probably hadn’t even bothered to open it. Grabbing the edges of his comforter, he dragged it further over his face until the only thing he could see was darkness. Maybe, just maybe, if he stayed completely still and silent Hisashi would think he fell asleep and leave him alone. 

No dice. A quiet sigh echoed through the room, footsteps padded closer before the bed dipped next to him and a hand settling on his back. Yoichi curled further in on himself, pressing the blanket over his face to muffle his sniffling and dab at the tears with the corners of his eyes.

He wasn’t even sad, per say, just offput that he’d blurted his biggest secret like it was nothing. He was pretty sure his eyes were just leaking because they didn’t know what else to do. He wasn’t upset, but his back hurt and his lungs ached and the room was altogether too loud and too quiet, and Hisashi was mad, he could tell, he didn’t need to see him, and, and…

Two hands slid under him, pulling him from his stupor to realize that he’d started to full on sob, tears rolling down his face. Hisashi hefted him up, blanket and all, cradling him close like he’d done when Yoichi’d had one of his many emergencies. He used to do it when they were kids too, long, long ago when they were forced to wander the streets, constantly on the lookout for their next hot meal. Yoichi was never able to move fast enough to satisfy his brother. He always tried, but was left gasping and panting within minutes. Even at a young age, Hisashi had always indulged him briefly before doubling back to heft his younger brother into his arms with a wry smile on his face. If Yoichi didn’t know any better, he’d think that his brother enjoyed being forced to carry him, like he sped up just to tire him out quicker.

But Hisashi wouldn’t do that. Hisashi wanted him to get better, not worse.

“Yoichi.” 

More minutes had trickled by, lost forever in Yoichi’s mind, and he really had to come back down to Earth now. Hisashi’s grip on him was borderline uncomfortable, and he had taken to lightly shaking his brother while feeling his forehead. Yoichi squirmed, nose scrunching into a frown. Hisashi let out another sigh, relaxing his fingers just slightly as Yoichi opening his eyes. Hisashi eased him up and Yoichi tried to scoot to sit beside his brother, but he still wouldn’t relinquish his hold.

“Yoichi. Talk to me.”

Yoichi shook his head, mumbling. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“There most definitely is something to talk about. You seem to be under the impression that there is ‘no point’ in pursing your good health, and that is an egregious falsehood I intend to correct right now.”

Yoichi folded his arms over his chest, determined to bore a hole in the carpet with his gaze. “Will you put me down if I agree to tell you?”

He could his Hisashi frown out of the corner of his eye, but set the cocooned Yoichi delicately next to him on the bed. “…Was it that doctor? Is that why you’ve been so sullen lately? Did he tell you something? Yoichi, if he told you something about your health I need to know.”

“He didn’t.”

“Yoichi–”

“–that is my name and you are wearing it out–”

“–what did he say to you? Or was it that nurse that always signs your cards? I never liked her, the way she spoke to you was so incredibly unprofessional, I’ll speak to her superiors–”

“Helga didn’t say anything. The doctor didn’t tell me anything, Hisashi.” Yoichi snapped, throwing the blanket off himself. “He hasn’t told me anything for months. No one has.”

“What? Why not?”

“Because I haven’t been going.” Yoichi shrieked, jumping to his feet, the blanket falling from his shoulder. “Because I haven’t gone for months.”

“Why–?”

“Because it’s stupid and pointless, I’m stupid and pointless, and before you ask no one had to tell me that! I’m not an idiot Hisashi, every single professional whose ever took so much as one look at me has told me the same exact goddamn thing, that I’m not going to live past my twenties. Hell, maybe not even my teens! I could keel over literally any day now–God knows I can’t keep up with the army of pills they want to shove down my throat at every turn–and no matter how hard you try to ignore it, that’s just the truth. Not even you can change it, big brother, I'm dying. Slowly, but I am.”

Yoichi paused to take a breath, furiously wiping tears from his eyes.

“And I’m fine with that, okay? I’m fine with dying, I really am. This isn’t even really living anymore–and don’t try to tell me it is, there are some things you just don’t get–so what’s the point? All I do now is slow you down, I slow everyone down, and I’m tired. I’m tired of being sick, of the hospital visits, the doctor’s appointments, of the pills and the masks and the inhalers…”

Yoichi finally looked up to meet his brother’s gaze.

“…I’m tired of being alive, Hisashi, I can’t do it anymore.”

An Exercise in Futility - Part 5 and Beyond

In honor of Season 7 ending, I finally sat down and got this piece finished and posted to AO3! Feels really weird after years of just lurking and reading on there, to finally have a fic to my name, but that's beside the point. Those who have read parts 1-4, you can scroll down to “…I’m tired of being alive, Hisashi, I can’t do it anymore" and of from there!

Like I said over there, I have a few ideas for how to continue this AU, but I don't know if I'll do anything with them yet. So, for now, enjoy this!

An Exercise in Futility (6299 words) by LizzyScribbles Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia (Anime & Manga) Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Sensei | All For One & Yoichi | First One For All User Characters: Yoichi | First One For All User (My Hero Academia), Sensei | All For One Additional Tags: Yandere Sensei | All For One, Platonic Yandere, Chronic Illness, Terminal Illnesses, Suicidal Thoughts, Just general AFO being a creep, shocker I know Summary: Futility was a funny word, one Yoichi was well acquainted with, even at the ripe old age of sixteen.