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nothing, everywhere and nowhere all at once
I've never really felt anything that deeply, but I thought it was because I was lacking stuff in my life. I thought maybe if I just go to real school, if I get clothes I actually like wearing, and if I socialise that hole in my heart would be filled. At the time I couldn't do these things I would distract myself with video games, video calling my online friends and watch TV shows.
When I finally managed to get those first things I thought that hole would be full. But it wasn't. Those little distractions were slowly not helping as much and now I'm stuck.
While watching season 2 episode 1 of Bojack Horseman (Brand New Couch) Bojack Horseman (the main character)'s mother keeps trying to call him, but he keeps declining the calls. At the end he finally picks up. His mother apologises for the fact he can never feel happy, she begins to say "You were born broken, that's your birth-right, and now you can fill your life with projects, your books, and your movies, and your little girlfriends, but that won't make you whole, you're Bojack Horseman, there's no cure for that". And that just stuck with me, will I ever be able to feel whole? I've got a great mother, great friends, great life, but I will never feel whole. That sort of makes me sound like I take my blessings for granted, but it's true. I will never feel whole, I will always feel things surface level. I will always feel like a robot mimicking what people feel. All because I'm Elleni.
It's my 6 year anniversary on Tumblr π₯³
Oh!
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