Just Me Ranting Like A Moron - Tumblr Posts

The power of Portal and Half-Life is like no other. They are such wonderfully timeless games. Even if Half-Life 1 and its expansions look crunchy and low poly, they are still so well made. I dropped this universe of games for 7 years after my first initial play throughs, and suddenly I got sucked back into it out of nowhere and somehow love them even more than I did the first time.

Because the Portal cast of characters is so small, I think it's easy for me to multi-ship. I prefer Chelldos to Chelley but I'll still enjoy/reblog Chelley content. Platonic Caveline is my biggest brainworm right now but I still dig romantic/toxic Caveline. Same goes for Half Life. All ships are good. Let all the characters hang out and hold hands. Explore all the dynamics.

Caroline has quickly become "the fandom bicycle" for me in the Valve-verse. In my favorite fanfics / mental fanfics, I'll ship her with Chell, Dr. Colette Green, Dr. Judith Mossman, Doug Rattmann, Cave Johnson, Mel. Girl gets a lot of attention despite doing absolutely nothing in-game lol.

I'd better not get into Left 4 Dead or else I'll start shipping her with Rochelle.

Thinking about how fans of Portal writing stories that are Caroline-centric and making art depicting a woman who only has one canon image is like the ultimate form of reclaiming female narrative.

Canon: Oh this was Caroline, whoever she was is lost to history...

Fanon: Hold my neurotoxin, we're giving this woman a voice.

So I've been listening to the song Rät by Penelope Scott on repeat and while it's clearly a diss song written about Elon Musk, I can't help but associate it with Caveline.

I think it's because Cave is just the embodiment of the cultural narrative of charming businessmen who promise the world to people despite being tremendously flawed himself, and Caroline's departure captures the disillusionment that we have with our "heroes." It taps into some cultural thing a lot of us in the post-Industrial era where we have all this technological advancement yet we can't get rid of lies and corruption.

need sleep

I want to draw a picture of Doug Rattmann pre-GLaDOS' final activation, but it feels so wrong having him without the beard.

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Does anyone else think Cave Johnson would've seen Rattmann's sick beard and grow out his own facial hair as a challenge?

Growth is playing Portal 2 for the first time in seven years, not remembering any of the test chamber solutions, and yet not needing to look up any walkthroughs on YouTube like you did the first time.

It interests me that in all the Caroline-centric Portal fanfics I've binged this past year (and the ones I binged from 2017-2018) I don't think any of them ever gave her a last name. Maybe because by prescribing her a last name it would be intruding too much on the character's identity?

Narratively speaking in Portal 2, it makes sense for her just to be "Caroline" because:

It reflects the greater mystery surrounding her character. She has no family name and no indicator that can connect her to another character in Portal 2.

It suggests more familiarity with Cave Johnson that he only refers to her only by her first name (and even a power dynamic as she's always "Caroline" and he's always "Mr. Johnson.").

But in all of fanfic writers' attempts to give her development, I'm surprised I've never read a fanfic that casually went -

"My name is Caroline Gianfiglio, I am the current CEO of Aperture Science..."

or

"Ah, Miss Caroline Calhoun? Right this way..."

She's always just Caroline to us, and I think that's interesting.

I spent the day listening to my Doug Rattmann centric playlist today and I kept thinking of how much I never appreciated his character until I got older. The first time I read Lab Rat 7 years ago I was disappointed to find out that the person leaving you notes in the chamber was literally just a guy.

But that’s the thing - he WAS just a guy. A regular guy who was afraid of what his company was creating. Still, he sacrificed his life for the good of someone else. An evil AI was taking over his facility and he was powerless to stop it but he didn’t give up (more relevant now than ever). He literally embodies hope in a hopeless situation. He’s a hero.

Someone remind me to try drawing him again

Caroline Portal 2 was probably really witty and full of snarky comments but as the assistant to the CEO of Aperture Science she had to hold a lot of it back for the sake of appearing professional.

Meanwhile GLaDOS had all the snark and none of the need to maintain appearances. It’s her damn facility, after all, she can say whatever she wants.

Instead of a Portal 3 or another puzzle-based Portal game, I want a Portal walking simulator. I want to play as Chell (or some other test subject) exploring all the levels of the facility and unearthing clues as to who the scientists who ran the place were, before it all went wrong. No tests, no danger, just ambiance and intricate details behind each door. Crawling through the vast entirety of Aperture, a decaying mausoleum to science and the ego of Cave Johnson. Basically the beginning of “Portal Stories: Mel” except longer.

It’s such a silly issue to have but I want to write a stand-alone fic in which Caroline has to deal with Cave Johnson’s wife and young children after his death, with the implication that Cave was a serially remarried playboy (which might align with some people’s headcanons). But it’s been a struggle to write because in my favorite headcanons Cave is 100% asexual/aromatic with no interest in any sort of relationship and is just living life for the science and the hijinks.

I don’t know what else to do with my need to write “Caroline as tired and aging woman visiting her boss/best friend’s widow who had confusing feelings (mostly anger) for now-dead Cave” vibes. But they are there.

A lot of people like to compare "Aperture Science vs. Black Mesa" but honestly I think they're more similar than different.

Both Aperture Science and Black Mesa messed around with science and new technologies, but for what reason? Honestly I don't think there is or was a reason. Cave Johnson famously said, "Science isn't about why, it's about why not." Wallace Breen abused his power as Earth's Administrator to satiate his own curiosities about what exists beyond human knowledge, and used that to try and coerce Eli Vance to his side.

I think the scientists of Aperture Science and their Black Mesa counterparts literally just did science for the hell of it. They were just secretly simple-minded people needing some sort of stimulus, but the pursuit of that stimulus is disguised as genius and invention.

Meanwhile, as protagonists, Chell and Gordon have to deal with the horrible consequences of the actions of those bored individuals with extreme power.

And isn't that really all of us?

Stupid Portal got me acting like a fool googling the history & location of mines in Upper Michigan Peninsula Got me taking notes like I’m back in history class

I’m happy to say that I think my writing has improved because rereading fanfics from two years ago is so much easier than rereading my pandemic lockdown-era fanfics of four years ago.

So yeah the best writing advice anyone can give is literally to never stop writing. It might take you years to find your voice but it’s worth it to keep going and preserve your old work. It’s like you can watch yourself grow over time.

Greetings friends, Aperture-Hag here! So when I saw that my writing music playlist was almost exactly 8 hours long it got me thinking - “if someone can be expected to work 8 hours as a “standard work day,” what would happen if someone spent that time doing nothing but writing?” So that’s what I’m testing on myself today. Starting at 12pm Mountain Standard Time I will be spending an entire “work day” just writing (yes, probably all fanfic). I’ll do check in posts on my mental state every hour with one hour long “lunch” break.

No matter what you’re up to today, let’s all make it a good one!

So in 2020 I started writing and publishing fanfic on Ao3 after being a long time lurker. In those almost five years I think I’ve grown tremendously as a writer.

Right now I’m working on a long fic crossover between Portal and Half Life, and it feels like a culmination of everything I’ve learned. Once that’s done, I think that will be the end for me writing fanfics. The journey will be complete.

My target is to have chapter 1 out by next month, specifically November 19th (aka the anniversary of the release of the original Half Life). Then I’m aiming for monthly chapter updates.

Mostly just making this post to myself to reaffirm that I’m proud of my progress and that I’ll be even prouder if I can meet my own deadlines.

Oh shoot I got busy and missed the anniversary of Portal 1!

Uhhh... quick here's some cubes and a keyboard smash about how much I love this game.

I played Portal for the first time in high school because I had just bought steam and someone said it was a good game. I came into the game (almost) blind, with the only thing I knew being the "Cake is a Lie" meme since that was an inescapable part of internet culture from the 2000s - 2010s.

I can't really speak to how incredible it was playing the game for the first time and really understanding HOW it's such a phenomenal game, because odds are you've probably experienced that same thing. That thrill of actually learning what kind of "puzzle game" Portal is.

And the ATMOSPHERE. The haunting minimalist music, the slight layer of filth on the walls, the isolation, the slow peeling back of the layers that things aren't all as they seem...Aperture Science is just one big liminal space and it hugs you with all the creeping comfort.

Portal was long since popular so after playing the first game I went deep into the fandom, wishing I somehow was there for the hype, but I wasn't because I just wasn't in the right age group when Portal first came out. But I lurked and got to read a lot of great fanfic, squeal over a lot of fanart, and so many other fan-made pieces of content.

I hyperfixated on Portal and Half Life for a solid two years before taking a break hanging out in other fandoms. I literally told myself not to replay Portal 1 or 2 until several years had passed, because I didn't want to get so used to the puzzles that the game lost its impact.

So I staved off on the games for seven years until the start of this year and got sucked back in. Coming back to it years later has somehow made me love it more, I think? It's been a really fun ride especially now that I'm an adult who can use their free time to write and try and learn to draw.

Glad to see that Portal people are still out there. Happy Birthday to an IP that has been and always will be perfection to me. Hurray for everyone out there who still recognize everything amazing about the Portal-verse and give it life with their fic and art.