Jack Napier - Tumblr Posts

Heath Ledger as the Joker

dogarefamily.tumblr.com

Ahem, introducing, long haired teen J ✨

I headcanon he had longer hair as a teen until he had to cut it when he joined the army. Then as an adult he grew his hair back slightly longer because hair past his shoulders annoyed him and interfered in combat. He secretly wants it back tho 🤭 For the vibe 🤘

Crack A Smile and Cut Your Mouth

Ledger!Joker Origin Story

Chapter One - Jack

Warnings: Child abuse, domestic violence, alcoholism

Chapter Summary: Jack is introduced and we get a glimpse into his childhood and teen years.

Author’s Note: I finally finished the first chapter and came up with a title! (Title may change because it’s kinda dumb. I was scraping my brain for ideas okay) Anyway the first chapter came out shorter than I expected but the next chapters should be a lot longer 🤞 I’m super excited about this story! I’ve been planning this for a while. I hope you enjoy <3

Next >

The cool night air blew in Jack’s face as he whizzed down the pavement on his skateboard. He was on the main road but he didn’t care. Nobody was out during this time of night. 

The small town was quiet. Businesses were closed and porch lights were on. The only sounds to be heard were crickets chirping and the flickering gas station lights at the end of the road. 

Jack came out here often to get away and clear his head. He loved to skateboard and he was good at it too. He didn’t like skating with the other kids in town so he stayed clear of the rink. The streets were his safe haven.

He glanced down at his watch and decided it was time to head home. His mom would be worried. He shifted his weight to his back foot on the tail of the board, braked, and turned around.

He dreaded the thought of going back. His father would be home. No doubt yelling at his mother for something she did “wrong.” There was no telling what kind of mess he would walk into once he got home.

He left the main road and turned onto his street. It wasn’t long before he reached his house. The house was one story tall and painted white with a front deck built by his father. The deck had withered and rotted with time. Some of the boards were missing. His father had yet to fix it. Their home was plain but got the job done for a family of three people. 

Jack went around back where his bedroom window was. He pushed the window open and tossed his skateboard onto his bed. Then he hoisted himself up and climbed inside. He closed the window, listening intently to his parents in the kitchen.

Just as he predicted his father was shouting at his mother again. From the sound of his voice Jack could tell he was drunk. What else was new? 

“Why is the food cold?!” His father yelled.

“You told me you would be home at 6. You got here at 9:30.” His mother told him calmly.

Jack heard a loud smack and his mother scream. That was his que. He cracked his door open and stuck his head out to see what was going on. His mother was on the floor and his father stood over her, beating and berating her. Jack saw enough and sprung into action.

“Leave her alone!” He shouted and shoved his father away.

The drunk then turned his anger towards Jack and shoved him to the ground. He kicked him in the stomach repeatedly. Jack grunted in pain. He assumed his usual position and curled into a ball to protect himself. 

“Scott, no! Stop! Leave him out of this!” His mother cried but was ignored. 

“Shut up, you stupid bitch!” Scott shouted and didn’t hold back beating his son.

Eventually he became bored and stopped. He turned to his wife and snarled, “I’m goin’ out. Next time you better do as I tell you.”

With that he stormed out, slamming the door behind him. Once Jack was sure he was gone, he uncurled himself and rolled onto his back. He closed his eyes and sighed. His mother, Jacqueline, sat upright and gazed at her son sadly.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

Jack smiled softly. “I wanted to.”

“Are you okay? Did he hurt you?”

“Eh, I’ll probably have bruises later but I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me.”

“I have every reason to worry about you. Come here.” 

Jack crawled over to his mom and she pulled him into a hug. She kissed his cheek. 

“I love you so much. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. It isn’t your fault.”

“It’s not yours either, mama. He’s just an asshole.” 

Jacqueline eyed him for cursing but agreed nonetheless. Jack rested his head on her shoulder. She stroked his long brown hair and laughed to herself.

“What?” Jack asked, raising an eyebrow.

“You need a haircut.” Jacqueline told him and pointed to his curly strands cascading past his shoulder blades.

“Nope. I’m keeping it this way for as long as I can.” 

“Uh huh. What are you gonna do when you enlist?”

“Cut it off since I have to. But once I get out I’m growing it back.” 

Jacqueline shook her head. She glanced up at the time.

“You better get to sleep. It’s getting late.”

Jack nodded and helped his mother stand up. She kissed his cheek one more time and then they retreated to their bedrooms for the night. 

Jack stripped down to just his t-shirt and boxers. After moving his skateboard from his bed to the floor, he climbed into bed and curled up underneath the covers. It felt good to finally lay down. He was exhausted. 

It hurt a little to lay on his side because of the bruises that were now forming but he was used to it. There was rarely a night where Jack slept without any discomfort. His father had been beating him for as long as he could remember.

The booze wasn’t entirely to blame. Scott Napier was extremely short tempered and quick to violence. The alcohol only heightened it. How his mother ended up with him Jack never knew. Most likely it was one of those situations where someone doesn’t realize they’re in an abusive relationship until it’s too late.

Jack closed his eyes and tried to forget about his father so he could fall asleep. He often tried to block out the abuse but each time Scott beat him, it brought back the memories all over again. Sometimes in the form of nightmares and other times through random flashbacks throughout the day.

He was 17 now and becoming a young man but that didn’t stop him from wanting to curl up underneath his covers and cry himself to sleep like he did when he was younger.

He rolled onto his back and gazed at the ceiling, lost in thought.

“My leg hurts, Mommy.” Jack whimpered into his mother’s chest. 

“I know, baby. Mommy’s doing the best she can.” Jacqueline said as she bandaged the cut on Jack’s small leg caused by another one of Scott’s violent outbursts.

She finished the wrap and kissed it. “There, all better.”

…

“Come here you little shit!” Scott shouted and grabbed Jack by his shirt. 

He pulled him close and struck his face. Then he hurled him into the wall. Jack got his breath back and crawled underneath his bed. He gasped when Scott grabbed his ankle and dragged him back out. Scott kicked him in the side repeatedly and then resorted to using his fists. Jack cried and begged for him to stop.

“There you go with that crying again! You’re just like your fucking mother!” Scott bellowed and kicked him hard, knocking him over.

Jack curled in on himself and sobbed.

“Stay in here and cry then!” 

The door slammed and Jack was alone.

Jack sat straight up and brought himself back to the present. He breathed in shakily and slicked his hair back. The memories always kept him awake when he should be sleeping. After taking a few minutes to calm himself, he was finally able to clear his head and lay back down. Before he knew it, the comforting embrace of sleep took over and Jack was out like a light.

Crack A Smile and Cut Your Mouth

Ledger!Joker Origin Story

Chapter Two - Feels Better In My Head

Warnings: Child abuse, domestic violence, alcoholism

Chapter Summary: Jack hates school and his father. Life sucks and nowhere feels truly safe. He desperately wants a way out...

Author’s Note: I finally got this done! It took me forever. I kept getting stuck towards the middle part. Also, I felt like the last chapter was way too short so this one is a little longer. Anyway I hope you enjoy! <3

Do you guys want a taglist for this series? I'd be happy to add you.

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Jack woke up the next morning to the smell of bacon frying. His mother always got up early to cook breakfast. That was his alarm clock.

He yawned and crawled out of bed to get dressed. He kept on the same black t-shirt and pulled on a pair of khaki green cargo pants. He glanced over at his backpack tossed carelessly on the floor next to his nightstand and groaned. He knew he should probably go to school today. He’d already missed so much this year and his mother would pester him about it if he didn’t.

Jack picked up the backpack and stuffed its contents that fell out back in. He grabbed his sketchbook and his Polaroid camera from his dresser and packed them as well. There was no telling when inspiration would strike. He zipped the bag shut and slung it over his shoulder.

Cautiously, Jack walked from his room into the kitchen just in case Scott was still home. Jacqueline noticed him out of the corner of her eye. 

“It’s okay. He’s at work.”

Jack relaxed and sat down at the table. It was a sad fact that he felt the most at ease when his father wasn’t home. Jacqueline finished off the bacon and brought it over. Jack snagged a few pieces as she turned to the refrigerator to get something to drink. She returned to the table with a carton of orange juice and sat down next to her son.

“Please go to school today, Jack.” Jacqueline said as she poured him some orange juice.

“I will. But I have to leave early because Mike needs me in the shop today.” Jack told her as he gulped down the juice. 

Jacqueline sighed and swept her frizzy blonde curls out of her face. “Okay. At least you’re getting some education today. I just wish you would apply yourself more.”

“I don’t need school, mama. It’s dumb. I’m never gonna use any of it in the real world.”

“It never hurt anybody to be educated,” she kissed his forehead, “Now get going or you’re gonna be late. I love you.”

“Love you too.” Jack replied through a mouthful of bacon as he grabbed his stuff and went out the door.

He climbed into his black pickup truck parked under the carport and started off to school. He mentally prepared himself as he drove. It had been three days since he last went. He was really enjoying the small break but his mom wanted him to go and he didn’t want to disappoint her.

Jack made it to the school and walked in, keeping his head down and avoiding people. He didn’t have any friends. There were a few acquaintances sure, but no one he really hung around or talked to regularly. He was a loner. On days he did attend the whole day, he spent the lunch period by himself and his breaks drawing in his sketchbook.

As depressing as it seemed, it didn’t bother him. He liked being alone.

Jack entered his homeroom and sat down at his desk in the back. He took out a pencil and the notebook he needed and sat them in front of him. This was his first period class, boring as usual. He had no interest in algebra. Too many formulas and confusing rules. So he did what he normally did and doodled in his math notebook instead of taking notes.

His next class, chemistry, was just as hard for him but slightly piqued his interest. Learning about different chemicals and how things worked fascinated him. Especially when they got to talk about radiation and explosions. But today was just bookwork and Jack was bored out of his mind. 

Two more hours and I can get out of here…

The last class before lunch was English. Jack hated this subject. It was the most boring out of all his classes, his teacher was awful, and he wasn’t good at reading. 

To pass the time, he actually did his work but it was half-assed. He really could care less about schoolwork. Some things he genuinely didn’t understand but he still could’ve put in a little more effort. 

Finally, the lunch bell rang and Jack didn’t hesitate darting from the classroom to the parking lot. He made it back to his truck and left the school grounds in the dust, eager to get to work.

He loved his job. Mike was an awesome guy to work for. It didn’t pay much but it was a good first job. Jack helped out in Mike’s repair shop by sweeping, moving equipment, handing him parts, etc.

Jack arrived at the shop and parked out front. He walked around back to the garage where Mike usually was. Mike was a middle aged guy in his late 40s. He was bald, stout, and a little on the shorter side with a graying, bushy brown beard. He had become somewhat of a mentor to Jack over the years. 

Today Mike was underneath a small red car fixing something. He noticed Jack and slid out, chuckling. “Aren’t you supposed to be in school?” 

“I was but Mom said I could leave early for work.” 

“Now why do I feel like that’s a half truth? Eh, it doesn't matter to me. It’s not my education you're screwing with.”

“Pfft. I don’t care about school. It’s so dumb. I probably learn more here than I do there.” 

Mike shrugged. “I got some stuff for you to do. There’s a few boxes out front with the new tools in them. Move them back here and put them where they go. Then I need you to sweep around the garage. It’s getting filthy.”

Jack nodded and got right to work. He went back to the front and found the boxes sitting at the door. They were unopened and quite heavy but nothing Jack couldn’t lift. He brought them back to the garage and set them down next to the metal cabinets. After opening them, he put all the tools where they belonged and threw away the boxes. Then he grabbed a broom and started sweeping. Dust, dirt, debris, trash, leaves, etc. littered the concrete floors. 

Man, I can’t even remember the last time I swept. This is disgusting. Jack thought as he tossed the dustpan on the floor and swept the pile of filth he created into the pan. 

Mike’s radio played in the background and Jack nodded quietly along with the music. For over an hour he swept and swept until the floor was finally clean. He dumped the last pile into the trash and propped the broom against the wall, admiring his work. He knew having the shop clean and organized would help out Mike a lot.

Mike looked up from his work and laughed. “Done already? Well, I guess I could teach you how to put in a new transmission. Come here and I’ll show you.”

After an interesting lesson from Mike and a few more hours of odd jobs around the shop, it was time for Jack to go home. He glanced at his watch as he walked back to his truck. He was about to open the door when a glimmer of light caught his eye. 

A brown glass bottle was laying in the ditch near the road. He paused for a moment, lost in thought. Suddenly a childhood memory hit him at full speed and there was no stopping it.

Crash! 

Glass was sent everywhere as Jack tumbled to the floor. He clutched the back of his head, blood pooling into his hands. He burst into tears as any eight year old would in this terrifying situation. His mother, hearing the commotion, came running into the kitchen. She ignored her seething husband for once and knelt next to her son, peeling away his hands and accessing the wound. 

Jaqueline whipped around to face the man responsible, unusually fearless. “Did you do this to him?!” 

“Pshhh. So what if I did? The little brat deserved it.” The drunk slurred. 

“He needs a hospital, Scott!” 

“You ain’t taking him nowhere! He’ll live.” Scott bellowed.

Jacqueline huffed, picked up Jack, and whisked him away to the bathroom where she could treat the wound to the best of her ability. She took a washcloth and ran it under some warm water. Then she fanned out his curls surrounding the gash and cleaned it up with the washcloth. She wiped his bloody hands clean and picked what glass she could out of his hair and the wound. Jack whimpered in pain.

“Shhh. It’s okay, sunshine. It’s okay. Mama’s got this taken care of.” Jacqueline reassured him gently.

Once she got the wound clean, she bandaged it and carried Jack to his room. She put him to bed and kissed him goodnight. Jack’s memory of that night faded from there.  

Jack blinked and brought himself back. He sighed and got in the driver’s seat. Before he went home, he wanted to ride around for a bit. He went straight through town and then took a few backroads. He ended up on the main road again out in the countryside. Nothing was out there except the forest and occasional billboards. His hometown truly was in the middle of nowhere.

A nice photo opportunity came up so Jack pulled over in a field nearby. There was a beautiful view of the sunset with the trees underneath. He fished his Polaroid out his backpack and hopped out of the truck. He lowered the tailgate and sat down, positioning his camera into the perfect place. When he got the shot he wanted, he set the camera down and laid back, gazing at the sky. 

He wished he could stay here forever lost in his head instead of going home. He dreaded school and he dreaded his house. The only true safe place was going out alone. The streets were once again his safe haven. 

Jack finally got a hold of himself and realized how much had passed. As much as he hated to, he really needed to get home. He put the tailgate up and climbed back in. The drive back home was the same as every other day yet he cringed at each familiar landmark he passed and every curve he rounded. Today he was feeling particularly uneasy about going home.

He turned down his street and pulled into his driveway, parking under the carport. His father wasn’t home yet. 

Thank God. 

As he walked up to the front porch, Jack noticed a pair of glowing yellow eyes underneath the deck. He smiled, knowing exactly who they belonged to. 

“Luna, come on out girl. It’s okay.” He coaxed the creature. 

A gray cat shimmied out from under the porch and stretched. She meowed and rubbed up against Jack's legs, purring contently. 

The neighborhood Jack lived in had a lot of stray cats. He loved animals and they loved him. He enjoyed all the cats he came across but he had a special bond with Luna. She wasn’t technically his cat since she moved throughout the neighborhood but she always found her way back to his house at some point.

Jack reached into his backpack and produced a plastic bag filled with cat treats. He always kept some on him in case he ran into a stray. He grabbed two treats out and sat them down in front of Luna. She nibbled at them gratefully and meowed her thanks. 

Jack pet her a few more times before walking up the stairs and entering the house. Jacqueline was in the kitchen washing dishes. Jack could smell dinner cooking. His mother turned around and her face lit up when she saw him. 

“Hi sweetie! How was your day?”

“Eh, it was alright. School was pretty boring.” 

“Ha. I figured you’d say that. Here, wash up and help me with the dishes.”

…

After Jack helped with washing the dishes and set up the table, the food was ready. Jacqueline took it out of the oven and placed it on the table. As soon as they sat down, Scott came stumbling through the door. The atmosphere in the house suddenly became tense and Jack could feel the temperature drop a few degrees.

“H-hi honey. Dinner’s ready.” Jacqueline said meekly.

Scott smirked. “Heh, you did something right for a change.” 

He sat down across from his wife and fixed his plate. Once again Jack was stuck in the middle. He felt his blood boil at his father's haughty attitude. His mom worked so hard for her no good husband only to be treated like dirt. 

“How was your day, son?” 

“Fine.” Jack replied shortly. He was repulsed by that horrible man calling him son.

Scott nodded half heartedly and turned to Jacqueline. “I’m glad we didn’t have a repeat of last night, dear.”

Jacqueline just looked down timidly. How could he be so cruel? Jack couldn’t keep his mouth shut any longer.

“Last night would never have happened if you came home on time instead of going out drinking.” 

Jacqueline's eyes widened in fear. She glanced at Jack, silently pleading with him to be quiet. It was too late. Scott stood up, knocking his chair over, and loomed over Jack. 

“What was that, boy?”

Jack just stared back at him unafraid. Scott slapped him hard across the face and sent him to the floor. It all happened so fast, Jack could barely think. Before he knew it, Scott was kicking him in the side until his surge of rage subsided. Jack gasped as the wind was knocked out of him.

Finally Scott stopped and glared down at him angrily. “Don’t you ever question what I do with my time again! It’s none of your business.” 

With that he sat down again and went back to eating, completely ignoring his beaten son lying on the floor. All Jack could do was lay there and cry silently. He couldn’t wait until he could finally get away from this hellhole. It would come at a cost but to him it was worth it.

Crack A Smile and Cut Your Mouth

Ledger!Joker Origin Story

Chapter Three - Leaving Home

Warnings: None

Chapter Summary: Jack, now 18, leaves home and joins the army.

Author's Notes: I know there are a lot of time skips in this chapter but I really don’t know enough about the military to give a quality depiction and plus I’m lazy :P There will be more length in the coming chapters I swear 😭 I literally had no motivation for this one. I kept telling myself to just make it to at least 1k words. It's gonna get good guys I promise. Just trust the process 😅

Taglist: @alittlesmartcookie

If anyone else would like to be added please let me know! <333

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1 Year Later 

Long brown curls fell to the bathroom tiles as Jack cut his hair. With each snip it pained him to watch them go but it had to be done. Rules were rules.

A year ago Jack’s last summer at home was spent enjoying himself while he could. He filled up his sketchbook to the brim with his drawings and the photos he took. When the book was finished, he stored it in the top drawer of his nightstand. He thought maybe it could be something to look back on when he came back home. 

He also did some odd jobs around the house that needed to be done years ago. He repainted the small tool shed in the backyard and redecked the front porch. His father was actually appreciative of Jack’s work. Lazy bum.

After that school started back again. Jack made an effort to do better his senior year so he could at least graduate. He succeeded and completed school with grades that weren’t exactly the greatest but he still managed to earn a high school diploma. His mother was so proud.

Skateboarding became his nightly routine. He wore the tires out trying to get as much out of the board as he possibly could. He knew it was probably going to be a while before he would skate again.

Currently he was preparing to leave. In a few weeks, he would be sent off to Fort Leonard Wood for basic training. He had to get everything in order before he left. It wasn’t stressful but it was still a lot for him to take in since he was still so young. He’d only been a legal adult for a few months and already he was beginning to see why older people always said to enjoy being a kid while you can.

Jack put the scissors down and grabbed a razor from the cabinet. He turned it on and cleaned up the sloppy mess of hair the scissors left behind, ending up with a decent crew cut.

He examined himself in the mirror. It was like a stranger was staring back at him. He had always kept his hair longer than most boys, letting the messy curls flow freely. Having hair this short felt so foreign but he would have to get used to it for a while.

“Ugh. I hate this.” He grumbled.

A feminine laugh startled him and he turned to see his mother standing in the doorway. 

“I think it’s very handsome. It makes you look so grown up.” Jacqueline complimented him as she dusted his hair off the back of his shirt.

Jack just shrugged and grabbed a broom to sweep up the mess on the floor.

…

The day was finally here. It was time for Jack to head out for boot camp. As his mother drove, he sat in the passenger seat of his truck with mixed emotions. On one hand he was excited to leave his old life back home and experience new things in the army, but on the other hand the next 10 weeks were going to be rough. It would be a true test of his endurance. 

The more he thought about it, he wasn’t that worried since it couldn’t be any worse than what he dealt with at home. His father yelled and screamed at him his whole life. He was used to it. The drill sergeants would be no different, minus the brutal beatings of course. He could do this. 

Soon they reached the place Jack was supposed to meet at for transportation. Jacqueline parked the truck and turned to her son warmly.

“Jack, you’re the bravest guy I know. You’re gonna be fine.”

“Thanks Mama.” Jack mumbled with a small smile.

Jacqueline pulled him into a hug and kissed his cheek. “Be safe. I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

He grabbed his duffel and out the door he went. Jacqueline watched him approach the bus station and couldn’t help but sigh. Her little boy was all grown up.

…

Saying basic training was rough was an understatement. 

It was the most grueling 10 weeks of his life. Jack didn’t really consider himself to be athletic but he was at least in good shape. Even then he still struggled to keep up with the amount of work exerted on his body. It was utterly exhausting.

Jack was wrong about the yelling being like what he was used to. At least at home he could find ways to get away from it. There was no escape at basic. It was constant. And instead of one person getting in his face it was three or four. His shyness didn’t do him any favors. Joining the army really forced him out of his comfort zone. 

At the start Jack regretted his decision to enlist in the first place and cursed himself for not thinking it through. But now that basic was over, he felt a sense of accomplishment and actually started to like this new chapter of his life.

…

Months later

Jack leaned against the wall, taking a long drag from his cigarette. He exhaled and stared intently at his watch wishing the time would go by faster. He took up smoking after basic when he was stationed at Fort Benning. It gave him extra energy and kept him awake on hard days. 

Today was definitely one of those days. He’d been up since about 0300 and wouldn’t be returning to the barracks until 2300. PT was more strenuous than usual and then it was nonstop work all day. Things were finally beginning to slow down but there was still an hour left until the day was over. It felt like time was slowly creeping by.

To pass the time, Jack glanced up at the TV in the middle of the lobby. Like always the news was on, this time showing unrest in the Middle East. 

Jack shook his head. The possibility of approaching conflict loomed in the air, creating unease among both the inexperienced and experienced soldiers. Jack didn't mind entertaining the thought of going to war. He would do what he had to do. But there was still a trace of fear that lingered with him.

Almost like his gut knew.

Jack my beloved <3

I put this here because the sketch was better than the outcome lol

Crack A Smile and Cut Your Mouth

Ledger!Joker Origin Story

Chapter Four - Desert Sands

Warnings: Depiction of 9/11

Chapter Summary: The US goes to war with Afghanistan and Jack gets called for his first deployment.

Author’s Note: This one was again shorter than I wanted it to be 😔 I didn’t outline this part of the story (chapters 3-5) well enough so I’m kinda winging it here. I really really want to write the upcoming chapters but I have to actually get there in the story first lol. Also I realized that haven’t updated this fic since May so I’m gonna work extra hard to get more chapters done this month. It will be easy since I have the future chapters outlined pretty well. Anyway, as always enjoy! <3

Taglist: @alittlesmartcookie

If you would like to be added to the taglist please let me know! <3

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2 Years Later 

Coming back from his usual morning PT, Jack entered the main building, sweaty and almost out of breath. He was just about to turn and go back to his quarters when soldiers gathered by the TV in the front lobby grabbed his attention. They looked concerned about something.

What’s wrong with them?

 Raising an eyebrow, he walked towards the commotion curiously. As he looked up, the images he saw on the television shocked him.

“Breaking news. A plane has crashed into the North tower of the World Trade Center. As of right now, 8:52 am, we have very little information on this incident. We still don’t know the cause of the crash, how many are injured, the people on the ground, etc. Updates will be made as they come.”

There were many gasps and confused murmurs among the soldiers. Soon a commanding officer came out into the lobby to restore order. He instructed everyone to get back to their respective areas, causing the soldiers to snap out of their daze and scurry out of the room at his orders.

As the morning went by, more reports came in. Another plane hit the South tower. That was when it became clear that this was no accident. The next one struck the Pentagon and lastly a plane intended to strike the capital was reclaimed by the passengers and crashed into a field in Pennsylvania.

Jack didn’t know what to think. The US was moved to defcon 3, which meant a state of readiness was put in place for all the military bases throughout the nation. Fort Benning was no different. 

Everyone on base was shaken. Even the more experienced soldiers who’d seen the worst of combat many many times were shook. Nothing like this had ever happened before and so close to home.

Uncertainty was in the air before, but now it was brewing ten times stronger. As the days passed, war was most definitely imminent.

…

One Month Later

Running his fingers through his hair, Jack let out a frustrated groan. He dialed his home phone number and waited anxiously for an answer. Finally his mother picked up the phone. 

“Hello?” Her meek voice answered.

“Mom?”

“Jack? Hi honey! How is everything?” 

“Uh, good right now. But I have some news.” 

He paused and took a breath. “I’m getting deployed in two weeks.” 

“Oh… Where?”

Jack bit his lip. “Afghanistan.”

“Oh God.” Jacqueline barely managed to choke out. 

She went quiet for a while and Jack could tell she was probably crying.

“For how long?” She finally asked.

“I don’t know. Nobody knows anything right now, Mom. It shouldn’t be more than a year though.” 

“Alright. Call me before you deploy. Be strong. I love you.” 

“I love you too, Mama.” 

They said their goodbyes and Jack hung up. He sighed, wanting to punch a wall. 

His duty called but that didn’t stop him from wanting nothing to do with this deployment. After a moment, he took a deep breath and composed himself.

This was his first deployment so he had no idea what to expect. He only had what people told him to go by. His mind was still processing the news that he was going since he was just informed this morning.

Man up, Jack. You signed up for this. It’s gonna be fine. Mom will be fine. 

One of the soldiers on Jack’s squad poked his head in the room. 

“Hey Napier, sergeant needs to see you.” He informed him.

“Okay. What for?” Jack asked as he walked towards the doorway.

The soldier shrugged. “I dunno. Probably more deployment stuff.” 

Jack nodded and the other guy departed. He sighed and started down the hall to go see what his sergeant wanted. 

…

Two Weeks Later

The hum of the aircraft’s engine buzzed in Jack’s ears as he gazed out the small window. The ocean below glimmered as the afternoon sun shone down. Jack had never flown before and even though the circumstances were bleak, he couldn’t help but admire the beauty beneath him.

Their destination was still several hours away so Jack was content to just sit and stare at the vast sea. Other soldiers were either sleeping or staring out the windows same as him. It was quiet inside the aircraft save for a few whispers here and there and the engines whirring. 

Jack couldn’t help but worry about his mother. A few days ago she visited Fort Benning to see him before he deployed. She looked so distraught, like any mother knowing their son was going into combat would. She gave him so many hugs and kisses that day. 

Jack thought it was a little much but he understood why she would be upset so he didn’t complain. He hugged her right back and assured her that he would be fine. After she left, his concern became more focused on her, not himself. 

Ever since he left home he worried about her. But this time not only was he away from home, he was out of the country. He couldn’t be there if something happened to her or if Scott did anything. That thought gave him more anxiety than his current situation.

Several long hours later, the sun was beginning to set and the base was in sight. The aircraft landed with a jolt and everyone began piling out, awaiting instruction.

Jack stretched, relieved from sitting for so long, and took in his surroundings. The landscape was nothing but sand for miles in every direction. He looked up and not a single cloud was in the sky. The air was cooler than he expected but then he remembered deserts were cold at night. In contrast the sand felt hot against his boots. It hadn’t yet lost its heat from the sun. 

The barracks in the base weren’t that bad. Certainly better than a rock in the middle of the desert. Jack knew it wouldn’t always be like this. The coming days when he would eventually be called into battle would definitely be worse. 

But he couldn’t think like that. He just had to suck it up and deal with it. Worry causes things to go wrong and that’s what gets you killed. He refused to die here. No way. 

Jack diverted his attention to making his bed. That would keep his mind off the coming days. Sure repressing emotions wasn’t healthy but it sure was convenient. 

Once everyone settled in for the night, Jack laid on his bunk and stared at the gray ceiling. He tried to get to sleep but he just couldn’t. The worry was consuming him. He had a lot to think about. His mother, himself, what was gonna happen…

He forced himself to take a breath and slow his thoughts. 

It’s going to be fine. You will be fine. You’re making it worse by worrying. Nothing good ever comes from that. Just calm down. 

His mental pep talk seemed to appease his mind for a while. At last letting his anxieties drift away, he began to fall asleep. He had no idea what was ahead but at this moment it didn’t matter anymore. He wanted rest so he was getting it. And he would need it for the hellish days to come.

Crack A Smile and Cut Your Mouth

Ledger!Joker Origin Story

Chapter Five - Hell On Earth

Warnings: Violence, war, blood, (light?) gore

Chapter Summary: Jack waits outside the promotion board and as he prepares, he thinks on his deployments so far.

Author’s Note: Okay it's currently 1:40 am. I stayed up late writing this and after I post I'm going to bed 🫠 This chapter is everything the title suggests. Trigger warning I guess? If war and all that it entails triggers you then I would suggest skipping ahead. Just know that the war messed up poor Jack pretty badly and you can imagine why. But the worst is yet to come... I just love foreshadowing ;)

Taglist: @alittlesmartcookie @furisodespirit

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Picking at his nails nervously, Jack sat outside the promotion board room waiting to be called in. Today was a big day. If things went well, and they probably would, he was getting promoted to Sergeant. In the scheme of things this wasn’t such a big deal. But it was to Jack. This would be the first time he was put in a true leadership position.

Jack had been in the army for almost 5 years now and completed two tours in Afghanistan, returning from his latest one several weeks ago. The war made him a different man. He was rougher, tougher, and more resourceful. His eyes became keen and his hearing became sharp. He had no choice but to adapt. It was either that or be killed. 

Afghanistan was the closest thing to hell on earth Jack thought he could get. One of the worst parts was when nothing would happen for days but they had to be ready because the enemy could strike at any time. They’d start to let their guard down and then, seemingly out of nowhere, the chaos would ensue. 

The gunfire, the explosions, the bodies… Men that were here one minute and then gone the next. And the screaming…so much screaming. All things that Jack would never forget no matter how hard he tried.

Resting his head on the rock behind him, Jack blinked as the bright sun shone in his eyes and a bead of sweat trickled down his forehead. His squad had been sitting here for hours, watching and waiting, endlessly waiting, for something to happen. 

He sighed quietly to himself and gazed up at the cloudless sky as a hawk soared overhead. He felt a small pang of envy at watching the bird fly so freely. A weird sense of longing washed over him as he imagined what it would be like to be the bird. No war, no responsibilities, the rush of the wind against him, and a break from the fucking hot sun. 

Jack stopped himself in disbelief. Was he really so miserable he was jealous of a stupid bird? He was losing it already. He chalked it up to the intense heat. It had a way of making everyone question their sanity. 

Time dragged on and still nothing. Slumped against the rock, he counted the limbs on a nearby dead tree, bored out of his mind and sweating in places he didn’t know he could. 

Then he heard it. A slight whoosh went past their heads and then boom. A grenade went off several feet in front of them. Many of them, including Jack, were smart enough to move away in time and get behind the rocks. Unfortunately some of them were too slow and got caught up in the blast. 

“Fall back!” The squad’s sergeant shouted.

As he ran, Jack didn’t dare look down out of fear of seeing the bits and pieces of the barely recognizable corpses strewn across the sand. He turned his head just before he climbed in the humvee and saw a truckload of their attackers speed by, jeering in another language. He was too shocked and disturbed to care. 

Jack sighed as he simmered on the memory. The grenade incident was something he always thought back on since it was the first time he truly experienced the horrors of war. The images of the fallen soldiers and the bloody mess they left behind would be forever imprinted in his brain. He was 20 years old at the time. If only his younger naive self knew that the horrors would only get worse from then on.

To Jack one of the most tragic aspects of the war was the innocents. The most prominent example he could think of was during his second tour when his platoon had to travel through a village to get to their destination. That day would never leave him either.

As the humvee ran over another rock, Jack banged his head on the ceiling for the umpteenth time that day. Thank God he was wearing his helmet. That didn’t stop him from being annoyed though. He rolled his eyes discreetly out of his superior’s line of sight and glanced out the window at their surroundings. 

The village they were passing through wasn’t as active as others they’d encountered before. A woman or two could be seen walking past them and a few kids here and there were playing in the streets. They paused their games and stared up at the military vehicles with interest as they drove by. The lack of activity seemed odd to Jack but he paid it no mind as the line of humvees continued down the road.

The eerie stillness of the village ended abruptly as the humvee in the front burst into flames. The other vehicles slammed on their brakes to avoid colliding with the explosion, tossing the soldiers aboard out of their seats. 

“Jesus! What the hell just happened?” A dazed private sitting behind Jack exclaimed.

His answer came when a series of cries rang out in the streets and shots were fired. They were being ambushed. No wonder the village was so lifeless. The residents knew what was coming. 

Jack heard someone in authority shout. “Get down!”

He couldn’t decipher who it was but they didn’t have to tell him twice. He crouched down between the seats and took cover. Something busted through the window above his head and sent glass shards everywhere. He realized they were rocks as more flew through the window.

The attack was only getting worse and more deadly by the minute so eventually the platoon had to leave the safety of their vehicles and fight back. 

Jack slung his rifle off his shoulder and fired a few rounds, effectively hitting his targets the majority of the time. He blamed his poor shots on the adrenaline coursing through his veins. He hid behind one of the humvee’s back tires as bullets started to move in his direction.

This was utter hell. He was sure he was gonna die at any moment. But somehow he made it out alive. The battle dragged on and on until finally the platoon began to gain some ground and overtake their attackers. What was remaining of the enemy was killed while a select few managed to retreat and get away.

Once it was safe, Jack stood up and slung his rifle back over his shoulder. He exhaled in relief, glad the firefight was over. He walked over to what was left of his group and waited to be told what to do. 

The smell of smoke and burning flesh gave the air a pungent odor, making Jack’s eyes water. He scanned the area solemnly, noting all of the fallen soldiers and the structural damage caused to the village. Suddenly an ear splitting scream broke out behind him, causing him and a few others to jump.

The scream came from a grieving woman, hunched over what looked like her young son. Jack froze. Civilian deaths were always the worst and he’d witnessed many, but this was totally different. This was a child. The boy barely had a chance to live and his life was ended simply by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

A little girl ran to the mother’s side and knelt beside what appeared to be her brother. Tears streamed down her face. Blood was splattered on her clothes and her dark hair. She looked up in Jack’s direction with innocent eyes that shattered his soul.

The mother picked up her son’s body, turned, and carried him away, with the little girl following close behind. He knew he wasn’t responsible for the boy’s death but he couldn’t help but feel awful.

“Napier! Get over here!” Jack’s superior shouted, bringing him out of his daze.

He jumped a mile. Was he really standing there that long?

“Oh, sorry sir.” He said in a soft tone and followed the other soldiers back to the now damaged humvees.

The memory of the little girl stayed with Jack for a while after the attack in the village. It was hard to forget those eyes. Even to the present day he thought back on her sometimes. There were so many like her. Innocent children caught up in a conflict that wasn’t their fault. He recognized that sometimes civilian deaths were unavoidable and were even a necessary evil at times but it just felt so wrong. Especially when kids were involved.

He glanced at the clock on the wall and took a deep breath. Anytime now he could be called in for the promotion board. Thinking about bad memories was not helping his nerves at all. Of course his mind had other plans. 

It’s like he was intent on torturing himself. He couldn’t help it. The war was always fresh on his mind. He was getting promoted soon and in a few months he would be up for a third deployment. Combat never left his brain.

He had no clue how he was gonna adjust back into civilian life when the time came. He’d cross that bridge when he got there. But something told him it was going to be a lot easier said than done.

A First Sergeant appeared in the doorway and informed Jack that they were ready for him.

Okay, here goes… He thought as he stood up and followed the man inside the boardroom.

This is totally Jack 😭

Crack A Smile and Cut Your Mouth

Ledger!Joker Origin Story

Chapter Six - Injury

Warnings: Blood, gore

Chapter Summary: A surprise attack leaves Jack injured.

Author's Note: This is the chapter people! This is where things start to take a turn! We are finally getting to the part I actually want to write lol. I've managed to post 3 chapters this month. This is a huge win 🙌 But seriously, buckle in, this is a rough one. My poor Jack 😔

Taglist: @alittlesmartcookie @furisodespirit

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Jack gazed out the window at the vast desert sands with a mix of dread and disdain. As much as he hated this place, there was a familiarity to it and a feeling of…fondness? No, that wasn’t it. More like a fondness towards the few good memories that this desert held but a bitterness at all the bad. 

This was Jack’s third tour in Afghanistan. Now holding the rank of Sergeant, he and another sergeant would be assisting their staff sergeant in leading a squad. This would be the first time he ever had any leadership so it did make him a bit nervous.

The platoon had just arrived at the base yesterday. In a few minutes they would be meeting to discuss objectives and meet with their squads. Stepping away from the window and collecting himself, Jack headed towards the back of the base where everyone else was. He did not need to be late. He hated getting fussed at.

After the higher ups gave a brief rundown of everything going on at the base and elsewhere, the squads met up. Jack didn’t speak much. He of course addressed the staff sergeant over him because he had to but he wasn't compelled to talk to the others. He gave a nod of acknowledgement here and there but nothing more. It wasn’t that he was annoyed or didn’t like them. He just never was a people person.

The other sergeant in his squad that he would be working with approached Jack. He stuck his hand out for him to shake and introduced himself. 

“I’m Corey Davis.”

Jack shook his hand firmly. “Jack Napier. Nice to meet you.” 

Davis smiled and moved on to talk to the other members of their squad. Jack observed him warily from afar. Davis had dark hair, a mustache, and light eyes. He was shorter than Jack but was well built and wiry. His demeanor seemed very friendly and sociable.

Great. Jack thought. 

There was something about outgoing people that bothered him. Maybe because they made his quiet, reserved self uncomfortable. Whatever the reason, he wasn’t sure if he would get along with this Davis fellow.

Boy was he wrong. After a few days of getting to know each other, they found that they had a lot in common. It turned out Davis lived an hour away from where Jack did. They both grew up in a small town. They both skateboarded. They both had similar tastes in music. Needless to say, they quickly became close. It was like they had known each other their whole lives. They worked great together, allowing their squad to operate like a well oiled machine.

Even several months into the deployment the squad rarely ran into problems. So far this was turning out to be the best of Jack’s three tours. Sure there was the immense heat and the horror of war but that was given at this point. Now that he had someone to go through it with, it wasn’t as bad. 

But just like previous deployments, everything could change in the blink of an eye. 

…

Today they were traveling through dangerous enemy territory so they had to be cautious. Two squads went one route and another two went the other route. According to intel, aggressors wouldn’t be anywhere near them. As long as they moved quickly and stealthily, they would be fine. 

Jack sat on one side of the humvee and Davis sat on the other. The driver and the staff sergeant were up front. Three other men were in the very back. The second vehicle was trailing along beside them.

So far the intel seemed to be accurate. The area was completely desolate. 

“Smooth sailing, huh? Man, it’s been quiet today.” Davis chuckled.

“A little too quiet.” Jack muttered. 

“Come on, Napier. Intel says we’re good. Ain’t nobody gonna bother us. We haven’t seen anything all day.”

“We still don’t need to let our guards down. This is dangerous territory, Davis.” The staff sergeant scolded from the front.

“Pshh. Why? God, this is boring.” A guy in the back whispered to another.

Jack heard and cast him a sideways glance. Just as he turned back around to face the front, it happened. Something hit the front end of the humvee and after a loud boom, it went up in smoke. The blast killed the staff sergeant and the driver, causing the vehicle to veer out of control and then stop abruptly. 

The smoke billowed inside the humvee and the fire was starting to spread. The men in the back turned to Jack and Davis. The two sergeants were left in charge now. They were speechless for a brief moment, unsure what to do. Then out of the corner of his eye, Jack saw another explosive flying right towards them.

“Get out of here! Now!” He shouted. 

He’d never opened a vehicle's door so fast in his life. He, Davis, and another man managed to get out in time. The other two were trapped in the back. There was no time to go back for them.

Jack ran with all the speed he could muster. It wasn’t enough. The vehicle exploded behind him, spewing shrapnel everywhere. A sharp chunk flew straight into Jack’s left cheek and lodged itself there. He screamed in pain and fell face first into the sand. Some glass from the humvee’s windshield strewn across the ground sliced his bottom lip. 

He found the strength to sit up a little and for a few seconds, he just knelt there in shock, clutching his injured cheek as blood poured down his face. Panic started to seep in and it made him forget everything. Where he was, that they were under fire, and that he had to run. Now. His brain didn’t seem to register that.

His saving grace came when Davis ran to his side and helped him up. 

“Jack! Snap out of it. We gotta go. Come on. We’re gonna make it.” 

Jack jolted as he finally came to and followed Davis. They ran to the remaining vehicle as they made their way to safety. Once everyone left alive was in, the vehicle sped off, fleeing the scene like a bat out of hell. 

Davis ushered Jack towards the back of the vehicle where the medics were. Jack was wincing in pain. He felt dizzy and struggled to walk without leaning on Davis’ shoulder. The other soldiers stared at the gory sight in horror. There was literally a huge piece of metal sticking out of the young sergeant’s face. 

The two medics laid Jack on the floor and removed his gear, tossing it aside. Meanwhile, Jack felt like he was drowning in his own blood. He groaned and gripped the metal bars on the seats nearby tightly. His face burned with more intensity than the heat of the Afghan deserts. Out of all the pain his father put him through, nothing came close to what he was experiencing right now. 

The medics assessed the wound and decided what needed to be done. They tugged on the metal to see if they could get it to move. It wouldn’t budge. Jack yelped at the sudden sharp pain. 

“It looks like we can’t just pull it out, sarge. We’re gonna have to cut it out and stitch up the wound.” One medic explained as he took out his tools.

Jack grimaced but nodded faintly in understanding. Anything to get it out. 

The medic began cutting with a scalpel as the other held Jack’s head still. Jack fought the urge to scream and groaned loudly instead. Each cut felt like fire. It was agonizing. He breathed in and out sharply, sounding like he was hyperventilating.

Finally the medic managed to get the metal out. Blood was splattered everywhere at this point. It was dripping from Jack’s chin down his shirt. As he took in a breath, he choked on the blood in his mouth. He rose up a little as a coughing fit ensued, spitting out blood onto the floor. 

The medics eased him back down and wiped away the excess blood so they could suture the wound. Jack saw the needle and braced himself. This would definitely be the most painful part. Especially since his face was not numb in any way. 

The first stitch was put in, causing him to cry out. He wasn’t expecting it to hurt that bad. He closed his eyes and tried not to cry but it was no use. The medic continued stitching as Jack whimpered and grunted in pain, tears streaming down his cheeks. His tough exterior had completely left the building.

“Last one.” The medic said as he put in the remaining stitch.

He cut the remaining thread and put the supplies away while the other medic picked the glass out of Jack’s lower lip and then wiped his bloody face with a cloth. The first medic grabbed a bottle of pills and a canteen from his bag. He shook two pills out into his hand. 

“Take these. It’ll help with the pain.” He instructed Jack as he handed him the pills and the canteen.

Cringing at the metallic taste of blood lingering in his mouth, Jack took a swig of the water and swallowed the pills. The two medics left him alone and moved to the front of the vehicle to make sure no one else was injured. 

Jack rested his head on his gear and turned onto his side, curling up into a ball. The burning in his cheek slowly began to fade out as the medicine started to take effect. He was so dizzy and disoriented from the shock and blood loss, he could barely keep his eyes open. Before he knew it, he was falling asleep. 

He woke up some time later and groaned softly at the shooting pain returning to his face. He groggily sat up and looked around. It was dark inside and outside the vehicle. Davis was sitting nearby. He noticed Jack get up and turned to him with a concerned look in his eyes.

“Are you okay?” 

“I guess so…” Jack mumbled. 

“We’re still an hour or so away from base. You should go back to sleep.” 

“Can’t. I’m already up.” 

Davis shook his head and held up his canteen. “You want some water?” 

“I have some.”

“But you’re running low. You need to save it. Just take some of mine.” 

Jack sighed and took the canteen from him. He took a few sips and then handed it back, relieved to have something to rinse his mouth. He knew he’d be tasting blood for weeks.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Davis asked.

“Yeah. I’m fine. But it really hurts to talk.” 

“Oh. Sorry. I’ll shut up then.” 

Jack smirked and took another sip of water. He laid back down again and reluctantly ran his hand over the wound. It felt puffy, hot, and swollen. Pain shot up his cheek as his fingertips grazed it. He just knew this was going to leave a scar.

His mind raced with questions. What would it look like? Would it be noticeable? Would this affect his mouth or how he ate? Should he see the doctor on base?

He sighed and decided to take Davis’ advice. This was a lot. He really needed to rest. He could process this later. 

Jack turned on his side and resumed his sleeping position. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, listening to the steady hum of the humvee’s engine and the beating of his own heart. It helped lull him back to sleep. The pain and the worry slowly drifted away. 

Sleep was awesome when he could get it. Most nights were a challenge for Jack. Lots of things kept him awake. Memories, nightmares, adrenaline… Something told him that from now on he was going to have a lot more of those sleepless nights.

The incident…

Crack A Smile and Cut Your Mouth

Ledger!Joker Origin Story

Chapter Seven - Discharged

Warnings: Elements of ptsd and trauma

Chapter Summary: Jack's platoon is back at the desert base temporarily until things calm down and new orders are given. During this time, Jack's injury is improving gradually, but it turns out he may have more than just his face wounded.

Author’s Note: I don't really have much to say about this one. I looked for a good cover image forever and this was the best I could do idk 🤷‍♀ I love it when y'all comment btw 🥹 It means a lot <3

Taglist: @alittlesmartcookie @furisodespirit

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Tossing and turning in his bunk, Jack could hardly sleep at all. The intense pain in his cheek was keeping him up.

They arrived back at the base several hours ago. All of the other soldiers were fast asleep, exhausted from the past few days out in the field.

Jack and Davis were in their own separate quarters in a room down the hall. Jack was so glad to not be in the barracks. He honestly didn’t care where he slept but he appreciated privacy. 

Davis sat up above him and climbed down from the top bunk. As he reached for the doorknob, he saw that Jack was awake and rolled his eyes. 

“What are you doing up? You need to be resting.”

“Can’t. Hurts too much.” Jack mumbled as he rolled over and pressed his face into the pillow.

“I’m going to the bathroom. Do you want me to get some pain killers while I’m out?”

“Yeah. That’d be nice.”

“Alright.”

Davis slipped out the door and returned a while later with a bag full of small pills. 

“The medic said to take two every few hours.” He told Jack.

Jack took the bag and shook two of the pills out into his hand. He swallowed them with some water from the canteen and laid down. 

“You’re going to see a doctor tomorrow, right?” Davis asked, climbing back up to his bunk.

“Yeah.” Jack replied as he nestled back into bed, trying to get comfortable despite the searing pain.

“Heh, lucky you. You get to skip out tomorrow.” 

Jack chuckled. “Aw, I hate I’m missing the fun.”

…

With a tired yawn, Jack sat up and dragged himself out of bed. He pulled on his tan shirt and camouflage pants and slipped into his boots, lacing them up half heartedly. 

His face was feeling slightly better but the pain was still there, lingering like a sour taste in his mouth. The pain killers were doing their job decently. He’d managed to get a few hours of sleep because of them. He took two more pills for the morning and put the bag away. Then he left his room and started down the hall towards the base’s medical center. 

Jack hoped the doctor wouldn’t find anything wrong with his injury and maybe do something to prevent the scarring, if it could even be done. The wound was so deep he knew it probably would. He wouldn’t care if it did. Looks were never his main concern. But if there was a chance it could be helped he’d take it.

He neared the room he needed to go to, approached the door timidly, and knocked. A man well past Jack’s age answered. He looked tired and disinterested.

“You must be Sergeant Napier. Come in and have a seat. I’ll be back in a moment.” 

Jack walked inside and sat down on a chair in the corner. The doctor left the room briskly with a clipboard in hand. Jack took in his surroundings. Next to him was a sink and a metal cabinet. Across from him was an exam table with a stool beside it. The tan walls were bare. 

The doctor came back about ten minutes later. He set his clipboard down on the sink countertop, washed his hands, and sat down on the stool next to the table. 

“This happened during the attack yesterday after shrapnel got lodged in your cheek, right?” The doctor asked, gesturing to Jack’s face.

“Yes sir.”

“Alright. Come up here on the table and I’ll have a look.” 

Jack walked over to him and laid down on the exam table. He stared up at the bright light overhead, noticing the doctor hovering over him in his peripheral. He focused on his breathing, inhaling and exhaling slowly to keep himself calm, and kept his eyes on the ceiling. Doctor visits always freaked him out. Especially now with this sensitive injury.

“Open your mouth for me.” The doctor said, putting on a rubber glove. 

Jack did as he was told. He felt the doctor run his fingers along the inside of his cheek and lift it up slightly so he could see the wound. The doctor nodded to himself and took his hand away, removing the glove and tossing it in the trash. 

“So, the medics did a pretty good job with this. The stitches are put in well and it doesn’t look infected, just a little swollen but that's a given. It looks like there’s some scarring inside your mouth so be careful with that. That could get infected easily. Until it heals up, be careful when you eat or brush your teeth. Other than that just keep taking pain meds when you need them.”

Jack took in what the doctor said, his head spinning with information. Somehow he managed to remember his main question. “Okay. Um, will this leave a scar?” 

"It will definitely leave a scar. If you get home and you want surgery to fix it, it’s out there. Although I'm not sure there's much that it can do. I’m also not for certain if the VA pays for stuff like that. It would be considered cosmetic surgery. Either way, good luck. I hope this helped."

"Thank you, sir." Jack said as he hopped off the table and left.

…

The platoon stayed at the base the rest of the week, recovering from the latest attack and waiting on orders.

Jack's injury was ever so slightly getting better each day. By now it really only hurt when he ate or if he touched It. The swelling had gone down but it was still very red. It miraculously hadn't gotten infected yet and he hoped It would stay that way.

His physical wounds were healing but the same couldn't be said for his mental ones. He didn't even realize how much the war had affected him until the past few days. Every night he had some sort of nightmare involving the war.

As the days progressed the nightmares got worse and worse. Jack could hardly sleep. Since he'd been in combat he'd had a few bad dreams here and there but nothing like this. It was becoming unbearable.

The latest one had been extremely rough. He woke up from it sweating profusely and his heart racing. He also must've yelled in his sleep because when he got up to use the bathroom, Davis was awake and wondering if he was okay.

Jack was really hoping tonight would be different. Sleep deprivation was not helping him any. 

But of course the night he really wanted to rest he had the worst nightmare yet. It all felt so real to him. He practically jumped out of bed as he awoke, his heart about to leap through his chest. He took in ragged breaths and ran a shaky hand through his hair, which was dripping with sweat.

Jack felt something hit his chest like a ton of bricks, causing him to fall back. He struggled to breathe as his chest tightened and his heart raced. He was starting to think he was having a heart attack.

Without warning his vision blurred and an explosive streaked across the room. He let out a shout of surprise and jumped off his bunk, landing on the floor and covering his head with his hands. He stood up with wobbly legs and staggered out into the hall, his surroundings changing rapidly from tiled floors to desert sands.

Jack kept his hand on the wall as he slid down to the floor. His breathing was sharp and ragged. It was coming at him in all directions. An explosion, debris, bullets... Everywhere he looked there was a dead body next to him, bloodied and maimed. The fire was consuming him and seemed endless. His ears rang with shouts and gunfire that never ceased. 

Then he heard his name. Faintly and distantly at first. He heard it again and again but he still wasn’t brought out of the illusion. Eventually he felt someone shaking him by the shoulders. The warfare around him faded away and his normal vision returned. He blinked slowly as he came to.

Davis knelt beside him with his hand on Jack’s shoulder and a worried look on his face. Above them stood a Sergeant Major. That meant Jack’s attack was so bad that it could be heard down the hall and got his attention. 

Jack flushed with embarrassment. “I am so sorry, sir. I don’t know what came over me.”

“It’s alright, son. I’ve seen this many times before. Are you okay now?” The Sergeant Major asked.

“Uh, yes sir. I guess.”

“I think you should see someone. This looks like it’s severe. We had a psychiatrist come on base this week to evaluate someone else. I could have her schedule you in. Would you be willing to do that?”

Jack thought for a moment, very hesitant to answer. He glanced over at Davis. He was giving him a stern look and nodding his head which meant he probably should.

“That would be great, sir.” Jack replied. 

“Alright. I’ll inform Dr. Ellis tomorrow morning. Go get some sleep, soldier. You too, Sergeant Davis.” 

“Yes sir.” Jack and Davis said in unison as the Sergeant Major turned to leave. 

Davis offered Jack a hand and helped him to his feet. 

“Are you sure you’re good? You look pale.”

“Yeah. I’m fine now. Just a little shaken up. Let’s go back to bed. This whole thing has left me super drained.”

“I bet you are. That looked awful.”

They both walked back inside their quarters and closed the door. Jack took a sip of water from his canteen and wiped his brow. Davis reached for the light switch and flicked it off. Then they climbed back into their bunks.

“Davis?”

“Yeah?”

“What was happening during all that? What did I look like?” 

“When it first happened you screamed like really loud. So I went out to see what was wrong. I tried to snap you out of it but your expression was totally blank. You wouldn’t respond to anything. You were here but you weren’t if that makes sense. It took me forever to get a hold of you. What were you seeing anyway?” 

“Just…warfare. That’s the simplest way to put it. There were…bodies…and gunshots. I-I can’t put it into words.”

“This sounds serious to me. It’s probably a good thing you’re seeing a doctor.” 

“What if… What if they discharge me? I mean, they might see this as a liability. I had no idea this was coming and if it gets any worse I could cause something to go wrong out in the field.” 

“Eh, that could happen. I wouldn’t worry about it though. I thought you were thinking about leaving anyway. Your contract expires soon, right? This could be your out.”

“I don’t know yet. I thought about it. I’m still trying to decide. I really wanna go home and be done with this but at the same time it feels like quitting. I think I should at least try and do two more years to make it eight.” 

“Well, I think either way you’ve done enough. You’ve served for six years. That’s great. You’ve been on three deployments and every time it was in fucking Afghanistan. I’d say that’s time well spent. But in the end it’s up to you.”

“Yeah. I just don’t know...”

… 

Bouncing his leg and fidgeting with his watch, Jack waited patiently for the psychiatrist he was supposed to see. He was sitting in a chair across from a large wooden desk in a mostly empty room. There were two filing cabinets and a few boxes behind the desk and another chair shoved in the corner. 

There was a reflective mug on the desk in front of him. He noticed his reflection and stared at himself. His face was gaunt and worn out from the lack of sleep and his eyes were sunken in. He did not look 24 years old. 

Damn. I have got to get a handle on this.

The door flung open and a woman walked briskly into the room, interrupting his thoughts. She sat down at the desk in front of him and grabbed a pen and a notepad out of her bag. She had dark brown hair pulled back into a tight bun and wore Army issued glasses and uniform. She looked up at Jack and greeted him. 

“Sergeant Jack Napier? I’m Dr. Ellis. I was told about your incident last night. Can you describe it to me?”

“Um, well… It all happened so fast. I can only remember bits and pieces.” 

“That’s okay. Take all the time you need.” 

“I’ve been having these, uh, nightmares all week and last night I woke up from a really bad one. Then I don’t know, a few minutes later, everything went blurry and I started to see stuff.”

“Stuff like what?”

“I saw a grenade first. That’s why I ducked and crawled out into the hall. Then it got progressively worse. I saw explosions…bodies… All the gore that entails. It was like a complete warzone and that’s all I saw. The hallway disappeared. I could barely hear them calling my name. I just heard war sounds. They had to shake me around to bring me out of it.”

“Wow. Okay. You said you’ve been having nightmares all week. Were all of them about the war?”

Jack nodded.

“Have you ever had nightmares like this before?”

“A few every now and then. But not as frequent as this and not as bad.”

“I see. I’m just speculating here but, could it be that maybe these were brought on by the recent attack? Injuries are traumatic. War itself is traumatic. Maybe your mind has taken all it can handle and the injury you sustained was the last straw. How long have you been in the army?”

“Six years. Almost four of those were in combat.”

“Okay. What I think is happening is all the trauma you have experienced in about four years of combat has finally started to erupt after being repressed for so long. Do you think you’ve repressed anything at all?”

Jack thought for a moment. Looking back, she was right. All those times a bad memory resurfaced or he started to get anxious about something he would push it down and not think about it instead of dealing with it head on.

“Yeah… I guess I have.”

“And that’s okay. In this situation you felt like you had to. You’re in a war. Worry and panic leads to poor performance and that gets you killed. Does that sound familiar?”

“Yes.”

“Then you repressed your trauma as a means for survival. But that doesn’t mean it was healthy. Repressed trauma comes out eventually. In your case it came out through nightmares and now a traumatic episode. Have you ever experienced flashbacks at all?”

“Yeah. I used to get them a lot but for a while they quit happening as much. They came back recently.”

“Okay. This is all starting to add up here. I can’t really give an official diagnosis right now but I’m pretty sure I know what’s going on. I’d like to see you tomorrow. Is 0900 good?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Alright. This has been a good first session, Sergeant. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Thank you, doctor.”

…

The next day

“How are you today, Sergeant?”

Jack shrugged. “I’m okay I guess. Oh and you can just call me Jack. I don’t care.”

Dr. Ellis chuckled a bit. “Alright.”

She proceeded to ask similar questions to the day before and wrote some things down in her notebook. As the end of the session neared, she seemed to have a handle on what was going on. 

“Jack, it seems to me like you may be suffering from ptsd.”

“Ptsd? Oh… That makes sense.” 

“Yes. The flashbacks, nightmares, repression, and the traumatic episode you had are textbook symptoms. You meet the criteria for it.”

“So… What does that mean?”

“Well, I don’t really know. Since you’ve gotten this new diagnosis I have to inform the higher ups since it goes on your record. And because of this, especially since it’s becoming severe and you don’t know when episodes are coming, you may have to be discharged. They’ll make that decision soon. I can’t really say yes or no yet.” 

“Oh, okay. I was afraid of that.”

“I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you. But you understand why they would have to discharge you, right? With your ptsd, you could have a flare up while you're out on the battlefield. Then there's no telling what could happen. That is dangerous."

Jack nodded.

"So it's either be a paper pusher for the rest of your service or be honorably discharged. I think I know what you would rather do."

"I understand. Thank you for your time, doctor." Jack said as he stood up to leave.

"Of course. If you do get sent home I would highly recommend that you see somebody. I'm pretty sure the VA pays for counseling. There's resources out there. You just have to take them.”

“Thank you. I’ll look into it.”

As he walked out of the office, he sighed and rubbed his temples. 

Dammit. I knew this was gonna happen. 

…

Two days later

Jack wasn't sure how to feel about this decision. Hours ago he was just informed that he was getting honorably discharged and would be leaving the next day. Right before his platoon shipped out for another task miles away from the base.

On one hand he was a little disheartened. This felt too much like giving up. But he understood why they had to do this. It would be risky to have someone with frequent panic attacks (or whatever they were, Jack had no clue what to call them) out in the field.

On the other hand, Jack was glad to be getting out of the army. Like Davis said, he was thinking about leaving anyway. His contract was almost up unless he enlisted for a few more years. The war was also taking a huge toll on him. That was becoming more apparent by the day. Plus he missed his mother. 6 years was plenty for Jack. He felt that all this was justifiable for wanting to leave. Now that he was being discharged it made him feel better about it. 

…

Jack stood by his bunk, sorting through his things and packing his duffel bag. Some things were his and some things needed to be returned. He had no problem kissing this stuff goodbye. He was so done with military life.

Davis poked his head in the doorway.

“Hey, I heard you’re getting sent back home tomorrow.” He said, leaning on the doorframe. 

“Yeah, I was gonna come find you but I got busy.” Jack said as he finished folding a shirt and tucked it away into his duffel.

Davis sat down on the bed beside him. “Are you gonna be okay? I know this has been tough on you and it’s gonna be hard to adjust.” 

“I’ll be fine. I’ll find a way to manage.”

“Alright… Are you going to take her advice and actually see someone about this?” 

Jack shrugged. “Probably not. Maybe if it gets too bad.” 

Davis sighed. “Jack, I really think you should. They can help you. If you’re not careful this could spiral into something you don’t want it to.”

“I’ll be alright. Trust me. This is something I need to figure out for myself.”

“Okay, okay. I’m just worried about you, that's all. I’m really gonna miss you out here.” 

“I’m gonna miss you too. I’ve never really had any friends before. You’re a first.”

“Really? I’m glad we met then.”

There was an awkward silence between them for a few moments. Jack was not good at this sentimental stuff. 

Davis exhaled and stood up from the bunk. “Well, I should let you finish packing. Bye, Jack. It’s been fun.”

He stuck his hand out. Jack shook it firmly with a grim smile. 

“Bye. I’ve enjoyed this.”

Davis turned to leave but Jack spoke up again.

“Oh, uh, Corey?”

Davis paused and turned around. 

“Thank you.” 

Davis smiled softly and nodded.

…

Gazing out the window as the aircraft took off, Jack saw the desert below get smaller and smaller. It felt satisfying in a way. His military career was over and he could finally say goodbye to this hellhole for good.

He was ready to get home. Since he enlisted, he’d only visited home twice. And the last time he did was two years ago. The last time he talked to his mother was on the phone after he got promoted to Sergeant. He missed her so badly.

He could only imagine what she’d say about his new scar. It looked ghastly now that it was starting to heal up and the stitches were out. He knew she wouldn’t be disgusted or repulsed by it, more worried than anything, but he couldn’t help but wonder. 

He rested his head against the seat and decided to take a nap. Maybe he could finally get some much needed rest. And when he’d wake up, he’d be home and everything would be okay.

A little doodle of Jack’s mama <3

Crack A Smile and Cut Your Mouth

Ledger!Joker Origin Story

Chapter Eight - Life's Full of Surprises

Warnings: Character death, angst

Chapter Summary: Jack comes home and things are not at all how he imagined they'd be.

Author's Note: I'm gonna go ahead and apologize in advance 😅 I did not wanna have to kill off this person but it's character development for Jack. He's been through so much already I know, but you have to remember that it had to be a lot for him to eventually snap the way he does. You don't just randomly wake up one day and decide to become a mass murderer.

No I didn't use Heaven Beside You as the song inspiration because someone dies, it's deeper than that lol. I've also had this reoccurring scene in my head where Jack is driving down the road listening to the song at full blast. At this point he's broken from war and now this has happened. He's angry and hurting, mad at the world. This song just seemed fitting. Also I love Alice In Chains <3

Taglist: @alittlesmartcookie @furisodespirit

If you would like to be added to the taglist please let me know! <3

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Jack walked through the bustling crowd of people with his head down and his hands in his pockets. He’d just got off a flight from Fort Benning. After he left Afghanistan, he went back there to finalize some things and officially be discharged.

The airport was not far from his hometown, less than thirty minutes away. Jack’s plan was to call the house and have somebody come pick him up. He knew it would most likely be his mother. 

He went over to the wall of pay phones and fished out a quarter from his pocket to put in the slot. He dialed his home phone number and waited. There was no answer. He tried a second time but still nothing. 

Okay… Scott’s probably at work and Mom must be out somewhere. Weird… I won’t bother with them then. 

He was unsure how he was going to get home now unless he rented a car. Then he remembered Mike. According to his mom during their last phone call, Mike was still going strong. Surely he wouldn’t mind taking him home.

Jack pulled a small notebook filled with contacts and another quarter out of his pocket and searched for Mike’s number. He was so glad he carried this with him. He wouldn’t be able to remember the number from all those years ago if he didn’t. The phone rang for a few moments and then someone picked up. 

“Hello?” A gruff voice said on the other end.

“Mike? This is Jack.”

“Hey! How ya doing buddy? Haven’t heard from you in a while.” 

“I’m alright I guess. Listen, I’m at the airport right now. It’s the one near Fairfield. I can’t get a hold of anyone at home and I was wondering if you could come give me a ride. I’ll be out front near the parking lot.”

“Of course. Give me about 20 minutes and I’ll be there.”

“Okay. Thanks Mike.”

Relieved that he had a way home now, Jack grabbed his stuff and headed towards the front. He sat down on a bench outside the building and watched the parking lot, bouncing his leg anxiously. He didn’t know why but since the plane landed he felt super jittery. He wasn’t sure if it was all the crowds of people making him uneasy or the thought of being home again.

Some time later he saw Mike’s car pull into a space. The short and stocky man climbed out and scanned the area for Jack. He spotted him and walked towards the bench, smiling. When he got there, he pulled Jack into a bear hug.

“Jeez, you’ve really filled out. How tall are you now?” He exclaimed as they walked to the car.

Jack laughed. “Good to see you too, Mike.”

He laid his duffel in the floorboard and climbed inside as Mike started the car and put it in gear. 

“So how’s army life been?” Mike asked. 

Jack shrugged. “Eh, hot and bloody. But that’s the desert for you.”

“I, uh, couldn’t help but notice the scar on your face. What happened?”

“A surprise attack. The humvee I was in exploded. I managed to make it out but a piece of shrapnel hit me.” Jack explained, shifting uncomfortably. 

“Oh. That must’ve been really bad. So are you home for good or are you just visiting?”

“I’m back for good now. I got discharged.”

“Why?”

“They said trauma reasons. I had a weird episode while I was over there. I think I could’ve made it a little longer but I guess they didn’t want to chance me having something like that while we were out on a mission. It could cause problems. I didn’t complain. I wanted to go home anyway and this was an opportunity to leave.” 

“Oh okay. Wow. Are you okay now?” 

“I don’t really know to be honest. I haven’t had anything happen lately but it could always come back. That kind of stuff is unpredictable.”

Mike grunted in agreement and focused on the road. Jack gazed out the window as they entered town and memories came flooding back to him. He was home alright. The jitteriness increased by the second as they got closer and closer to his house.

“How is my Mom?” Jack asked.

Mike slowed down drastically and nearly stopped in the middle of the road. He looked at him with a confused expression and seemed to be contemplating what he was going to say next. Now Jack was confused. Did he miss something?

“Don’t you know what happened?” Mike gasped.

Jack’s heart sank. “What? Is something wrong? Is she okay?” 

Mike sighed. “I think it’s best if you go home and find out. It’s not my place to tell you.”

“Um, okay… Is it bad?” 

“You’ll find out soon enough. I’m…I’m sorry, Jack. I thought you knew.”

Jack’s head was spinning. Oh God. No…

His main worry while he was away had come true. Something happened to his mother and he wasn’t there to help her. He sincerely hoped she was okay.

Mike turned down Jack’s street and pulled up to the curb in front of his childhood home. Jack grabbed his bag and turned to Mike.

“Um, thanks for the ride. I should go.”

Mike nodded grimly. Jack opened the car door and stepped out on wobbly legs. He felt sick to his stomach as he approached the house. 

He reached the top of the steps and took a deep breath. There was no telling what he’d find inside. He turned to Mike and nodded. Mike gave a thumbs up and drove away.

Jack set the duffel bag down on the porch and knocked on the front door, steeling himself.

“What? Who’s showing up here at this time of the morning? Better not be a fuckin’ cop!” A familiar drunken voice slurred.

Jack inwardly groaned. Here we go…

His father opened the door and started to throw something but hesitated when he saw his son.

“Jack? That you?”

“Yes.” Jack said calmly.

Scott tilted his head and stared at Jack, particularly his injured cheek.

“What the hell happened to your face?”

Jack looked down. “Shrapnel.”

Scott chuckled darkly. “At least you didn’t die. I was expecting as much.”

Jack narrowed his eyes. Forcing himself to keep it together, he ignored the comment and changed the subject. 

“Where’s Mom?” 

“Oh that bitch? Didn’t ya hear? She’s dead.”

Jack stood there a moment, staring back at the drunk in shock. He was unsure if he heard him correctly. 

“What?” He demanded.

“One night several months back we got into a fight. Then she hopped in the car and sped off from here. I had no idea where she was goin’. It was raining and she must’ve been too upset to drive because she crashed into an embankment and it killed her.” 

Jack felt tears form in his eyes but he quickly blinked them away. He would not let his father see him cry.

“You sick fuck! You’re lying!” 

“I’m not lying, Jackie. That’s what happened. Go look at the cemetery. She’s there.”

Jack wanted to hit him so bad. Why was he being so casual about this? He shoved Scott out of the way and stepped inside. The house was a wreck and smelled strongly of booze and weed. Dishes were piled in the sink and trash littered the counter and the floor. Maybe his mother really was gone. He refused to believe it.

“That’s not what happened! Where is she?” 

“What part of ‘she’s dead’ don’t you understand? Did you hit your head too hard out there or something?” 

Jack grabbed Scott up by his shirt collar, slamming him against the wall.

“You did this to her! Don’t tell me it was just a fight. You probably beat her until she bled. She wouldn’t’ve had to drive off like that if you’d just left her alone. You fucking piece of shit!” Jack screamed.

“Oh, look atcha all riled up. You think you’re some tough soldier guy now? You’re still the same weak little boy you were when you left.” Scott taunted.

Jack lost control and punched him in the face. Scott staggered backwards and tried to counter but lost his balance and fell over. Jack shook his head. This was pathetic. He could’ve really hurt him if he wanted to but he decided against it. This asshole wasn’t worth it.

“You…get out of my goddamn house. Go! Pack the shit in your room and leave. Take that black pick-up with you. I’m getting tired of looking at it.” Scott shouted from the floor.

“Fine. I wasn’t planning on staying anyway.” Jack muttered as he walked towards his old bedroom. 

He slammed the door shut as he entered and sighed. The tears came back again and this time they were harder to keep down. The realization hit him like a brick wall. His mother was dead. He didn’t even get a proper goodbye.

Jack ran his fingers through his hair and forced himself to focus on the task at hand. He needed to pack his things and get out. Quickly. If he stayed longer than necessary Scott might go off again. He did not have the energy to deal with that a second time.

His room was the same way it was when he left, except the dust and the cobwebs on the ceiling. The posters of his favorite bands were still on the walls. His drawings and sketchbooks were still there. His pocket knife was still on his nightstand. His bed was still made up and his clothes were still in his dresser and hanging up in the closet.

Before he got to work, Jack looked for more comfortable clothes to change into. He settled on a dark brown t-shirt and jeans. He gained a lot of muscle mass and grew a few inches taller while he was gone so it was hard to find clothes that fit well. 

After he got dressed, he went through his closet and his dresser and put his clothes in some cardboard boxes he found. He left the clothes he didn’t want or knew for sure he couldn’t wear. He also packed his music, his sketchbooks, his journals, his pocket knife, his skateboard, a few photos he had, and other useful things like a flashlight. He had no clue where he would go from here and what he might need.

He moved the boxes of stuff out into the hall. Double checking himself, he went through everything again to make sure he didn’t leave anything behind. Seeing that he was good, he stacked the boxes and carried them out to the truck, putting them in the passenger seat.

After a few trips, Jack hauled the last of his stuff towards the door. As he started to leave, he glanced over at Scott one last time. He was downing a beer and eating potato chips like an absolute slob. He didn't even look up. He couldn’t be bothered to at least say goodbye to his son. 

So why should I? Fuck him. Jack thought angrily.

He scooped up his things and flung the door open. A rage that Jack didn’t fully know the reason behind swept over him. He darted out to the carport where his truck was, not even bothering to close the door. He tossed the box inside as he climbed in the driver’s seat and sped out of the driveway. 

He was getting the hell out of here but first he actually listened to his father for a change and went to the cemetery to find his mama. 

…

The cemetery was less than 10 minutes away from the house and near a small church, which Jacqueline attended often. Jack used to go with her a lot, especially when he was little. He never fully agreed with or understood the Christian faith. He guessed there was some kind of higher power out there but he wasn’t really sure what. He only went with his mom when he was a teenager because it made her happy. 

Jack parked at the church and walked to the graveyard. The rusty gate made a screeching noise as he opened it. He trekked solemnly through the grass and scanned the rows of headstones for his mother’s name. 

Eventually he found her by a willow tree in the back corner. Wildflowers grew in abundance at the base of the tree and along the fenceline that surrounded the cemetery. Jack picked a handful of the blue and purple ones, knelt down by Jacqueline’s grave, and laid them in front of the headstone. He read the engraving and sighed as his suspicion was confirmed. 

Jacqueline died a few months into his third deployment. He understood why he didn’t find out at first because he was away from any US bases in Afghanistan where communications were. But when he came back to base after they were attacked, why didn’t he find out then? Maybe things were so hectic it was the last thing on people’s mind but still. He should’ve found out a long time ago.

Tears welled up in his eyes again and finally he let them fall. His poor mama didn’t deserve to suffer like she did and die so horrifically. He could only hope she went quickly and painlessly but he would never know for sure.

“I’m so sorry, Mama. I should’ve been here.” Jack sobbed.

He rested his head against the gravestone and just let himself openly weep for a bit. It had been a while since he had a good cry. He was already dealing with a lot. Trauma from the war, the hideous scar on his face, and now this. It was starting to feel like his life was slowly falling apart. 

Jack kissed his hand and then touched the gravestone. “Bye Mama. I love you. Always.”

Composing himself, he wiped his eyes before he stood up and walked back to the truck. He pulled out of the parking lot and started back down the road with no absolutely no idea where he was going or what the plan was. 

One thing was clear. He had to get out of here. This town held too many bad memories. If he was going to move on and get better, he needed to start over completely. The highway seemed like the best option right now. He’d take it until he figured out what to do. It wasn’t a very strong plan but it worked for now.

Jack finally hit the main road, leaving the small town in the dust. He was going 10 miles over the speed limit but he could care less. He was mad. This was not fair.

“Stupid bastard! Can’t even spare the decency to take her death seriously. I mean, what did I expect, but still! And I didn’t find out until now?! Almost three months later? No one stopped to think hey maybe we should tell her son! Oh no, he’s overseas, we shouldn’t bother him with that. That’s kinda something I need to fucking know!” Jack vented to the air. 

He reached down and grabbed his CDs from the floor, picked one, and inserted it into the truck’s CD player. While in the army he couldn’t enjoy music as much as he used to. The opening guitar riff on his favorite album as loud as he could stand it was so refreshing. It helped him to calm down a bit. He’d crash if he kept raging like this. 

Jack was furious at Scott for treating him and his mother like shit for so many years and being indirectly responsible for her death. And then to top it off, being completely careless and unapologetic about the whole situation. 

He was also angry with himself for not checking up enough back home. But what could he do thousands of miles away? He just had to accept that there was nothing he could have done about it. That devastated him.

Jack rolled down the window slightly to let some fresh air in, the wind blowing in his face. He belted out the lyrics of the next track as it came on and got lost in the music to let out his rage. 

He didn’t understand why all of this was happening to him. He was only 24 and he already had more problems than most people twice his age. Maybe this fresh start would be good for him. Being away from everything that caused him so much pain would be the best way to heal.

A few miles down the road, a gas station popped up out of the monotony of fields and trees in the middle of nowhere. Jack glanced at his fuel gauge. It was halfway to empty. He decided it would be a good idea to stop. There probably wouldn’t be another place to fill up for miles. So he parked beside a pump and went inside the store. 

“I need 10 gallons on pump 2 and a pack of Marlboro reds.” He told the woman at the counter.

The cashier grabbed the pack of cigarettes from the shelf and handed it to him. She rang up the total and told him the amount. As he dug some money out of his pocket and paid the cashier, Jack saw a flyer on the wall promoting Gotham City. It sparked a flicker of interest.

“Pfft. Nothing there but city scum and rich assholes.” He mumbled to himself as he left the store, dismissing the idea. 

After he filled up his gas tank, he lit a cigarette and started the truck, continuing down the road. At this point he was about an hour away from home. Aside from the military, he had only traveled outside his hometown a few times and not very far. From here on he didn’t know what was ahead. He could only read the road signs and glance at his watch to see how much time had passed.

Jack groaned as he passed yet another billboard advertising Gotham. This had to be the fourth one since he left the gas station. It was like it was trying to tell him something. But he did not want Gotham to be his only option just because he didn’t know what else to do at the moment. 

He’d heard many things about the city growing up. Some (usually people trying to get students to apply for Gotham University) said it was full of exciting opportunities and new experiences. Jack knew that was probably only true if you were wealthy or smart. 

On the other hand he mainly heard it was crime ridden and dismal, full of corrupt cops and politicians, and just simply trashy. Jack didn’t know if he could handle city life, especially since he was still adjusting to being a civilian again.

He passed another sign and threw his hands up in frustration. He couldn’t give up this easily but he needed to figure this out pretty soon. Currently he had no place to go and he didn’t like the idea of being homeless for too long. 

He had to look at the pros here. Renting a small apartment would be much easier than paying for a whole house in an obscure town and then there was the question of finding a house to begin with. If he went to Gotham, he could have a quiet life in an apartment all to himself. To him that seemed to be the best atmosphere for him to deal with all the trauma and grief. 

“Where else am I gonna go? I’m not staying back home in that God forsaken place and I can’t just live in the middle of nowhere. Homeless… Ugh. Fine. If there’s nothing vacant and if it’s too expensive, then I’ll find somewhere else. This will give me a chance to start over.” Jack told himself as if to solidify his decision.

So after much debate with himself, Jack began the three hour drive to Gotham City with nothing to go by but signs and an old map he found in his glove compartment. It was getting late in the afternoon and with everything going on he was feeling exhausted and super drained. He had to smoke another cigarette and keep some music on just to stay awake and alert.

He also hadn’t eaten anything all day so hungry was an understatement. He stopped at another gas station along the way and bought a deli sandwich and some Goldfish to snack on. 

Finally after a long, tiring journey up the interstate, Jack saw Gotham City’s skyline poke out over the horizon. He breathed a sigh of relief. He was still incredibly nervous about this but at least the driving part was over. 

As he crossed the bridge into the city, he marveled at how big everything was. The largest city he’d ever been in was Atlanta when he was stationed at Fort Benning and that was just passing through. 

Despite his anxiety, he was really looking forward to this new chapter. He was ready to move on with his life. He left his abusive homelife and got out of the military. Now it was time to focus on actual adult life. Becoming an adult while in the army did him no favors. It actually detached him further from everyone else.

This was going to be a major adjustment. That was for sure.

Crack A Smile and Cut Your Mouth

Ledger!Joker Origin Story

Chapter Nine - Gotham

Warnings: None

Chapter Summary: Jack finds an apartment to rent and slowly gets accustomed to his new city life.

Author's Note: Not much to say about this chapter. It's a shorter one but we have officially moved into the second half of the story! Things will begin to change after this...

Taglist: @alittlesmartcookie @furisodespirit

If you would like to be added to the taglist please let me know! <3

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His first night in Gotham was unlike anything Jack had experienced before. Everything was so crowded and rushed. At first he drove around the city trying to figure out what to do. Finding his way around was so confusing and it was easy to get lost. Too many different avenues and street numbers. 

He decided that staying in a motel for the night was probably the best thing to do until he found an apartment. He came across a cheap motel on the quieter side of the city, in the Uptown area. Even though it was quiet it looked pretty sketchy but Jack honestly didn’t care. It was getting really late and he was desperate to find someplace to crash for the night.

After checking in and paying, Jack hid all his stuff underneath the seats in the floorboard, locked the truck, and prayed that he didn’t get robbed. Then he went to his room and immediately collapsed onto the bed. He was utterly exhausted. 

He took off his shoes and emptied his pockets but didn’t bother with the rest. He was much too tired to put in the effort. The bed was comforting and a welcome escape from his current reality. Tugging the blanket out of the corners, he pulled it over himself and nestled in. Within minutes he was sleeping soundly.

…

Holding an umbrella he found in the motel room over his head, Jack walked down the street from where he was staying to a small diner he discovered while driving yesterday. The rain was pouring down hard, drenching his boots. He closed the umbrella and grabbed a newspaper from the rack outside as he entered the diner and sat down in a booth towards the back. He ordered a cup of coffee and a biscuits and gravy platter. 

Sipping on the coffee, he scanned the newspaper for apartment ads. There were several openings Downtown and one in Midtown. Jack didn’t care about the locations since he didn’t know much about them. He was mainly looking at the price and the apartment itself. 

His food came as he was reading about the one in Midtown. He set the newspaper down for a moment and crumbled up the biscuit into the gravy. He took a bite and nearly dropped the fork in surprise at how good it was. He couldn’t remember the last time he had this. It tasted just like how his mama made it. The nostalgia sent a sharp pang of grief through his chest yet still made him smile. Even though she was gone, he would still have memories to hold on to.

Jack sighed to himself in content. The tasty food helped to settle his stomach. His nerves were practically shot. The unfamiliarity and new surroundings was putting him on edge. He hoped he would find an apartment soon so he could stop worrying and just relax for a change. 

Right now one of the openings Downtown looked like the best choice. It had lots of space and contained a bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, and a small living room. The great thing was it didn’t cost as much as Jack was expecting. 

Yeah, this one’s good.

He tore off a scrap piece of paper and wrote down the address from the ad. Pocketing the paper, he left some money on the table to pay for the meal and tip the waitress and left the diner. Once he was back at the hotel, he grabbed his things from the room and checked out. 

“Back on the road again.” Jack muttered as he climbed inside his truck and took off towards the Downtown area.

About 20 minutes later, he reached the street the apartment was supposed to be on and scanned the line of buildings for the correct address. From what he could tell this location wasn’t too bad. It was somewhere in the middle of run down and affluent. 

He spotted the address and pulled into a parking space by the building. As he walked in, he saw a sign above the empty front desk that said ‘office’ with an arrow pointing left so that’s where he went. He approached the door and knocked. 

“Come in!” A lady called out from the back.

Jack stepped inside timidly. A middle aged woman was standing on a chair and hanging up a picture frame. She wore a purple tank top and green shorts and had curly red hair held back by a rainbow bandana. Her eccentrically decorated office was covered in knick knacks and odd paintings. Jack bit back a smirk. He liked this lady already.

The woman got down from the chair and shook Jack’s hand.

“My name’s Lydia Vernon. I’m the landlady. Are you here for the opening in 307?”

“Yes ma’am.” Jack replied.

“Wonderful. Let’s go upstairs so you can have a look around.” 

She walked briskly out of her office and guided Jack towards the stairs.

“I’m sorry that we have to take the stairs. The elevator’s broken. The maintenance guys are supposed to come fix it later this week.”

“That’s alright. I don’t mind walking. This is a nice building you have.”

“Why thank you, mister um… Oh! Silly me. What’s your name dear? I totally forgot to ask.”

“Jack. Jack Napier.”

“Nice to meet ya, Jack. And…here we are. The 3rd floor.” 

Lydia led Jack down the hall and stopped near the middle. She unlocked the door labeled 307 and ushered Jack inside. Jack looked around the kitchen and then the bedroom, the two most important areas in his opinion. The apartment was mostly empty and had some furniture left. He took it all in and nodded to himself. This would totally do. As long as he had plenty of space, a bed, a table, and a couch, he was happy.

“Well, what do you think?” Lydia asked, looking at him expectantly.

“I’ll take it.” Jack answered with a small smile. 

“Oh that’s great. When can you move in?”

“I was hoping today.”

“That’s perfect. Let’s go back to my office so I can get your info.”

Jack nodded. They both trekked back down the stairs and sat down at the desk in Lydia’s office. She grabbed some papers out of a filing cabinet and a pen. 

“I’ll need you to fill these out while I ask you a few things.”

“Sure.” Jack said as he clicked the pen and began filling out the application.

Lydia sat down across from him and started filling out something on her side.

“Do you live anywhere else right now?” She asked.

“No. I just moved here.”

Lydia nodded and scribbled something down. “What is your occupation or source of income?”

“Um, well… I was recently honorably discharged from the Army. I’m getting disability from them.”

“Oh wow. Well thank you for your service. I don’t mean to be insensitive but, is that why you have, um…?” Lydia asked, motioning to Jack’s face.

“Yeah. I’m sorry if it caught you off guard.” Jack said quietly.

“Don’t apologize. It was rude of me to ask.”

There was an extremely awkward silence after that. Jack didn’t make eye contact and hurriedly finished the application so he could get out of the office. The awkwardness completely drained what was left of his social battery. He handed her back the application as waited as she read it over.

“This looks great. Oh, there’s a couple more things you should know. I collect rent on the third Thursday of every month. I do allow pets here just please clean up after them. And if you smoke please do it outside. Okay, I think that’s it. Here’s your key. Move in at any time. Let me know if you have any questions.” Lydia informed him. 

Jack took the key and moved towards the doorway. “Thank you. I should, um, go start unpacking before it gets too late in the day.” 

“Of course. I’ll be in touch.”

Jack shut the door and exhaled, wiping off the sweat from his forehead. 

Wow. She’s….something. He thought as he walked back out to the parking lot to retrieve the boxes from his truck.

…

A week passed and Jack was now fully settled into his new living space. He bought groceries to stock the fridge and toiletries he didn’t already have with him. This was the first time he ever lived on his own without anyone else around and he loved it. There was so much freedom that he didn’t have before. He could sleep whenever he wanted, cook whatever he wanted, watch whatever he wanted, or go out whenever he wanted.

There were of course a few things he had to do before officially re-entering civilian life. He changed his address to his new one so he could get mail, bills, and the checks he would be receiving from the military. Then he went down to the DMV and got his license renewed. It needed to be updated, especially since he didn’t look the same. He had the scar now and he was much older than in his last photo.

Jack still wasn’t fully adjusted to city life though. The city never slept. It was always noisy and always busy. People were impatient and traffic did not wait on you. He learned that the hard way and was nearly run over a few times. 

He opted to stay indoors the majority of the time. He didn’t need to work since what he got from the Army was plenty so he didn’t. Really the only times he left was to go run errands or occasionally go eat out when he didn’t feel like cooking.

Tonight was one of those nights. Jack returned to his apartment with some Chinese takeout and plopped down on the couch, settling into the cushions. He grabbed the remote and switched on the television. GCN, the city’s news channel, came on and right away he was taken aback. 

They were reporting on this month’s several sightings of some guy called “Batman." Apparently, he was a vigilante who dressed in a bat costume and armor and went around beating up criminals to aid the police. A few blurry pictures some people had managed to capture flashed across the screen. Then, a civilian was interviewed and he speculated that “Batman” might actually be a vampire.

Jack busted out laughing. The absurdity of it was hilarious to him. This was the first time in years he truly had a good laugh. 

“What the hell? Man this city is crazy…” He uttered in between giggles.

He rolled his eyes and bit into a crab rangoon. Gotham truly was one of a kind. Jack didn't know what possessed him to move here but he couldn’t find it in him to leave. The city was charming in its own strange way. Maybe one day he’d get used to it.

Crack A Smile and Cut Your Mouth

Ledger!Joker Origin Story

Chapter Ten - Nothing Is The Same

Warnings: Trauma responses, a bit of gore at the beginning

Chapter Summary: Still getting used to his new life, Jack wakes up from an awful nightmare and goes for a run.

Author’s Note: This took me forever sorry guys 😭 I wanted to get this posted days ago but oh well. I think it worked out better this way anyway. Side note! Jack's hair is back :D

Taglist: @alittlesmartcookie @furisodespirit

If you would like to be added to the taglist please let me know! <3

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The deafening sound of a Black Hawk circling overhead and explosions all around roared in Jack’s ears, making it impossible to think straight. He couldn’t aim his rifle. He couldn’t focus. It was like he lost control of his own body. 

All Jack could do was helplessly watch the destruction around him. He tried to look away but when he looked down there were bits and pieces of maimed soldiers scattered about. Someone who had just been shot in the chest bled out at his feet. Their deadened eyes bored into his.

Jack screamed as he attempted to get away. He couldn’t no matter how hard he tried. He was drawn to it by an unknown force. The scene played over and over again in a loop. The Black Hawk flying up above, the explosions, the corpses… 

The loop broke when a stray bullet hit him in the face and ripped open the flesh on his cheek, creating an oozing, gaping wound. Blood pooled in his mouth. He couldn’t breathe. The drowning sensation took over his body as he writhed on the ground. 

Jack gasped and jolted awake. He sat up in bed, panting. He ran his fingers through his sweaty hair as he tried to catch his breath. His biceps, also glistening with sweat, shone as the moonlight peeking in through the curtains reflected on them.

This had to be his strangest nightmare yet. He didn’t have them as frequently as he did that week he was discharged but they were much worse this time. He didn’t know what was better, a nightmare every night or a few a week that were horrible and would rattle him for days.

Jack glanced at the digital clock on his nightstand. It was almost 4 am. He decided that now would be a good time to go for his nightly run. He completely forgot about it and fell asleep earlier than usual because he was so tired from the lack of sleep.

After stretching his tense muscles, Jack swung his legs over the bed and grabbed his pants and black hoodie from the floor, throwing them on half heartedly. He stuffed his keys into his pants pocket and slid on his shoes before quietly slipping out of the apartment. Instead of taking the elevator, he took the stairs since they were less noisy.

Once he was down at the lobby, Jack pushed the double doors open and walked out into the street, a gust of cold air hitting his face. Pulling his hood over his head, he took off to the left and sprinted down the sidewalk. 

Ever since he moved to Gotham a few months ago, he ran almost every night. Normally he would stay out for at least 20 to 30 minutes. He found running therapeutic and a way to clear his head. The adrenaline was like a drug. A temporary fix to help him escape his problems. 

This time Jack took a different route than he usually did. He liked to switch things up every once in a while. The dim street lights provided just enough light for him to see and illuminated his profile as he moved under them, giving his jagged scar a grisly effect. To a passerby the brief glimpse probably looked horrifying. That was partly why he wore a hood over his head. 

In the end he made it all the way to Gotham River, which flowed north of Downtown. As soon as the water was in sight, he stopped and approached the nearby bridge, wiping the sweat from his brow. He dug out his lighter and a cigarette from his pocket. He lit it and inhaled the first drag, closing his eyes and reveling in the crisp scent. Leaning over the railing, he looked out over the shimmering water and exhaled the smoke, the vapor curling in different directions.

The water was oddly calming, and combined with the smoke helped to settle his nerves, which were still shot from the nightmare. A gust of wind ruffled his hair and made him shiver a little, his skin prickling at the cold. 

These days Jack didn’t know what to feel. Day and night the war stayed with him. He thought he would eventually get over this, but apparently it was still lingering around, looming in the back of his mind. He couldn’t settle back into society properly. He could barely sleep. He couldn’t go a single day without being reminded of the war in some way. His scar was no help with that. 

With a tired sigh, Jack finished his cigarette and headed back, tossing the butt into a trash can close by. As he got closer to his apartment building, he slowed his pace. He entered through the double doors just as quietly as he exited earlier. His eye was struck by a light that emitted from the office and streaked through the lobby.

Vernon is up pretty early. Jack thought as he started up the stairs.

He reached the 3rd floor and scanned the hallway for 307. Finding it, he fished out his keys from his pocket and unlocked the door. He stepped inside and shut the door, tossing his keys onto the countertop. He went to his bedroom and flopped down on his bed with a loud exhale. 

There was no point in trying to go back to sleep. It was already morning, although very early, and now that Jack was up, he would stay up. He checked the clock beside him. It was close to 5 am. He sat up with a grunt and got down on the floor to begin his usual morning workout. 

The first thing was sit ups. He could do 250 in ten minutes. Next was push ups. He could do about 150 of those. Then to finish it off he held a plank for as long as he could. His muscles were on fire by the time he was done but it didn’t bother him. It was ingrained in his head to stay in shape. He also found himself taking pleasure in the pain. It was difficult to explain.

Jack sat up and rested for a minute, catching his breath. The running and the exercises made him pretty sweaty. A shower was looking very appealing right then. So he trudged into his bathroom and slid off his clothes. Then he turned on the water and as he waited for it to heat up, gazed into the mirror at himself. 

It was a pitiful sight. His eyes were heavy and sunken in with dark circles that rimmed the bottom of them. His face was gaunt and weary. Trying to be positive, he noticed his hair was growing back. It went past his ears now. He wasn’t sure or not if he wanted to grow it all the way out like how he used to have it. He would probably settle halfway, somewhere at his shoulders.

The water had warmed up so Jack stepped in the tub and stood under the shower head. He wet his hair first and lathered it with soap. Tilting his head back, he ran his fingers through his brown locks and rinsed. He was kind of ashamed to say he hadn’t properly washed his hair in almost a week. But it wasn’t like he had to impress anyone. He rarely went out and he lived alone. He could care less.

After he was done washing himself, Jack just stood motionless under the water and took in the warmth. Resting his head on the wall, he breathed in and out rhythmically and listened to the water pitter patter into the tub. As the steam rose and wisped past his face, he felt a sense of clarity that brought him out of his sleepy haze. 

Jack shut off the water and pulled the shower curtain aside, stepping out of the tub and onto the fluffy blue mat on the floor. He grabbed a towel from the cabinet under the sink and dried off, wrapping the towel around his waist. 

Back in his room he threw on a loose navy colored tee and black sweatpants. He felt his stomach growl and plead with him for food as he walked out into the main area of the apartment. All the exercise must have worked up his appetite. He relented and went to his pantry to hunt for food. He didn’t feel like spending the time to cook anything so it needed to be something simple.

Jack settled on a pack of blueberry Pop-Tarts and slid them into the toaster slots. While he waited he poured himself a glass of orange juice and placed it on the table. Once the Pop-Tarts were ready, he put them on a napkin and sat down. He ate the pastries tentatively since they were still hot and sipped on the juice.

He made a guttural sound of annoyance and moved his tongue across the inside of his cheek where the scar was. Food, especially the sticky kind, had a tendency to get stuck there. He noticed a few days ago that he was developing a habit of messing with the inside of his mouth with his tongue and licking his bottom lip where it had a small forked crack in it. He didn’t know why. The best way he could describe it to someone else was having a sore in your mouth that you compulsively need to mess with. 

It was a gruesome, repulsive habit but Jack didn’t try to stop himself. He knew it would be hard to quit since he was going to have this scar for a long time. He just hoped nobody out in public would notice. Bearing the scar was bad enough. People already stared at him. He didn’t need to give them another reason to.

Jack sighed as he realized his life would never be the same as it once was. He had to come to terms with living with this trauma, the scar, this new environment, and the fact that he was alone. His mother was gone, his father didn’t give two shits about him, and he didn’t know a single soul in Gotham. Being a loner never bothered him before but back then he had a choice. It hurt worse when he was forced into it. 

He was already alienated from the rest of society by being in the army and having to adjust back to civilian life. The scar pushed him even farther out of the norm. He hated when he was at the store and his military ID (that he kept putting off to take out of his wallet) flashed when he was pulling out money and people, noticing the card and his scar, would always say the customary, “thank you for your service.” 

It infuriated him to no end. He could read their eyes. They pitied him. He didn’t want them to. They didn’t even mean what they said. Everyone said it because it was “respectful” or “polite.” He didn’t feel bad in the slightest for thinking like that. He took solace in knowing he wasn’t the only vet that felt this way.

Jack cleared out the negative emotions beginning to swirl within him and finished up his breakfast. He refused to have another bad day today. Yawning, he stood up from the table, gently tossed his glass into the kitchen sink, and threw his trash away. He plopped down on the couch in the living room and switched on the TV. Right now he really needed a laugh so he turned on some cartoons to pass the morning by.

Crack A Smile and Cut Your Mouth

Ledger!Joker Origin Story

Chapter Eleven - I'll Take A Quiet Life

Warnings: None

Chapter Summary: Jack's daily life as a shell shocked former soldier, struggling to function.

Author's Note: Thank you so much for reading guys! We're down to five chapters left ☺ Btw this is several months later. At this point Jack has been in Gotham for almost a year.

Taglist: @alittlesmartcookie @furisodespirit

If you would like to be added to the taglist please let me know! <3

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Nestled comfortably underneath his covers and clinging to his pillow, Jack slept peacefully. His curly hair was sprawled out on the sheets going in different directions. He wore a dark sweatshirt, his boxers, and purple socks. All that could be heard was the quiet hum of air passing through the vent on the ceiling above and his soft breathing. Such blissful sleep was a rare occurrence so he treasured every minute that he could get it. 

Sunlight peeked in through the curtains and streaked across his face, shining on the bridge of his nose and highlighting his freckles. The light hitting his eye brought him out of the comforting embrace of sleep and woke him up. He sat up groggily and rubbed his eyes, his messy hair falling over them. With a yawn, he climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth while he was there, proud of himself that he remembered to do it. 

Jack decided to skip his usual morning workout and instead walked into the kitchen to make breakfast. He opened the refrigerator and scanned the shelves for something to eat, eventually choosing sausage and two eggs. He cut out two patties from the sausage roll and put them on a frying pan on the stove, turning it on and adjusting the heat.

While he waited on that to cook, he cracked the two eggs into a bowl and whisked them with a fork. Once the sausage was done, he used the same pan to cook the eggs and scrambled them, adding in some black pepper.

He moved the food to the table once it was done and grabbed some juice from the fridge. He didn’t bother with a cup because he would obviously be the only one drinking it so he just drank straight out of the container. Yet another sign of his growing carelessness. 

As he ate, he glanced at the calendar hanging on the wall from across the table and noticed some writing on the current date.

Oh shit, rent’s due today.

Shaking his head, Jack finished up his breakfast and put the used dishes in the sink. He went back to his bedroom to change his clothes so he could go downstairs to pay the rent. He had to get a grip. Whatever this spell in his life was, it was causing him to forget the most basic of tasks and he normally wasn’t forgetful at all. Maybe it was the military man in him but he liked being timely and getting things accomplished.

After he threw on something halfway decent, he grabbed an envelope filled with cash out from his junk drawer and his keys. He left his apartment and locked the door behind him, taking the stairs so he could avoid people. Once he was downstairs, he approached the landlady’s office and knocked on the door.

“Mrs. Vernon?” Jack called out, shocked at his own voice which was slightly hoarse from disuse. 

“Come in, dear!” The eccentric redhead responded. 

Jack opened the door and stepped inside. He had to really hide his reaction when he saw what Lydia was preoccupied with. She had her black cat on the desk and was measuring it. There was a pile of purple and orange yarn beside the cat so Jack assumed it was to make clothes for it. 

The landlady smiled and sat the tape measure down. “Just finishing up Sylvester’s measurements. Whatcha need?”

“Uh, rent’s due so here you go.” Jack said and handed her the envelope from his pocket. 

“Oh that’s right. Thank you, Jack. If only all my tenants were this punctual. Sometimes I have to pry it out of a few of them.” Lydia chuckled.

Jack nodded.

“Are you doing alright, Jack? I haven’t seen you out that much.”

“Yeah. I’m okay.” 

Ha. Lies. 

“If you say so. I’m here if you ever need anything. Just give me a call. Oh and you have mail by the way.”

Jack took a few steps towards the door and turned to leave. “Thanks, Mrs. Vernon.” He said over his shoulder.

He breathed a sigh of relief that the interaction was over. Another task completed. He walked to the other side of the lobby where rows of mail slots lined the wall. He found his and unlocked it. Inside it there was a check from the army he had been expecting for this month and a few envelopes of useless junk mail. He shoved them into his pocket and shut the slot back. 

He trudged back up the stairs to his apartment and got off at the third floor. Someone else that lived on the floor saw him in passing. 

“Good morning, neighbor.” She said cheerily.

“Morning.” Jack replied quietly and reached for his doorknob. 

He didn’t have any type of relationship with his neighbors and he didn’t want to, but being polite was the least he could do. Even if he didn’t feel like being sociable.

As he came in the doorway, he put the mail on the counter and the check in his wallet to cash later. Then he sat down at the kitchen table with a tired sigh. He wasn’t sure what he was gonna do today. When you didn’t work and lived alone it was easy to get bored. It made him restless. He liked the solitude but he needed something to do or he would go stir crazy. He had to keep his hands busy anyway because it distracted him from resurfacing memories and whatnot. 

One of the main things he did to keep himself occupied was keeping a journal/sketchbook. It was a brown hardback that he found while running errands one day. He would write entries about the day's events or his thoughts. Other entries would be drawings or doodles that came to mind. Sometimes he would glue things in or make a collage. Whatever came to mind, he put to paper. 

It seemed to work well enough. It kept his mind off things for a while. That was as good as it was gonna get. Screw therapy. It probably would have worked the exact same way, only more expensive and outside his space. Talking out his feelings to a stranger would cause him even more stress. So he stuck to the journal, deciding it would be a whole lot better in the long run.

Today he glued in some random pieces of the junk mail to make a collage, rearranging some of the words to make funny sentences. He liked to do that with newspapers too. Gotham’s papers were the best for that kind of thing with all their crazy headlines and bizarre stories. 

On the back of the collage he doodled Mrs. Vernon with her cat, Slyvester. He couldn’t get that mental image out of his head of her measuring her cat so she could make tiny cat clothes. It made him chuckle a bit. 

He closed his journal and put it and the art supplies away, after spending almost two hours in it. When he said the journal kept him busy, he meant it. He left the table and went into the living room. He plopped down on the couch to take a much needed nap. 

…

That night he made grilled cheese for dinner. Something simple so he didn’t have to put in much effort but still passable as a meal. After he ate, he laid down on the couch again to unwind for the evening. On the coffee table beside him, the radio was playing some old 70s rock tunes. He closed his eyes and just listened, drowning everything else out. 

The soft tunes emitted from the radio reminded him of his younger years. His mother would play records from Led Zeppelin or The Doors while they both cleaned the house. He smiled as he thought back on those days. The fond memories and soft music helped him to relax as he settled comfortably into the couch cushions. If he were allowed to smoke inside, he’d totally be having a cigarette right about now.

A combination of the relaxed feeling he had and his full stomach slowly lulled him to sleep. He sensed he was getting ready to drift off so he reached over and turned off the radio as his last conscious act before he succumbed to sleep. Within minutes he was out cold.

…

Several hours later Jack woke up startled from yet another nightmare. His heart pounded in his ears and he struggled to catch his breath. It was still dark outside which let him know it was still very early in the morning and not the right time to be getting up. Wiping the sweat from his brow, he sat up and scanned the room for reassurance.

You’re okay. You’re home. You’re safe.

He mentally chanted those words over and over to ground himself. Once he finally calmed down, he closed his eyes and tried his hardest to go back to sleep but he just couldn’t. After half an hour of trying, he gave up and turned on the TV to pass the time. 

At first a news channel popped up, which was discussing stocks for Gotham’s business world. Jack rolled his eyes and surfed through the channels until something decent came up. He settled on a kids channel that was playing Tom and Jerry. Nothing like childhood nostalgia to distract him from the terrible evil of the world that constantly racked his brain. 

More time passed and soon the sun crept in through the curtains, signaling to Jack that it was time to get up and go make himself something to eat. As he scoured the kitchen for food, he realized he needed to restock on groceries since he was running low on a lot of things. He outwardly groaned and facepalmed. The last thing he wanted was social interaction, especially after the rough start to the day.

He forced himself to suck it up, knowing that if he didn’t he wouldn’t have food. The best way to have a better day was to face it head on. He would be a productive member of society today. No if ands or buts about it. 

After he finished breakfast, Jack took a quick shower and got dressed. He made sure to fix his hair a little and brush his teeth. ‘Civilized’ people frowned upon the disheveled. He stuffed his keys and his wallet into his pocket and went on his way, locking up the apartment behind him.

When he was outside the building, he took a right towards the shopping center that was a few blocks down. He walked there since it would save gas. There was really no point in driving to somewhere so close. Mentally preparing himself as he approached, he entered the grocery store through the automatic door and grabbed a basket from the front, keeping his head down as he went. 

He walked through the aisles, grabbing the things that he needed and avoiding people when he could. Lately he found that the slightest things people did annoyed him. If someone got too close to him or if a group of people were in the same aisle he needed to be at, it bothered him. 

Then there were the times people actually did something to validly upset him. People had no mercy when it came to staring at him. It was bad enough that he was taller than most people and had this intimidating aura about him that tended to put others on edge. The scar was the salt in the wound. He saw their eyes. It was unmistakable what they were looking at. They would quickly look away and pretend like they didn’t see him, as if the very sight of his gnarled face would give them a disease of some kind. 

Pssh. Civilians were so easily startled. 

Jack grabbed the last thing he needed and dropped it inside the basket, relieved that the shopping part was over. Now came the hard part. He walked back towards the front where the registers were and got in line.

While he waited, he looked over each of the items in his basket and internally read over their labels to keep himself from getting too overwhelmed. That was one of the biggest reasons he hated shopping. Sure other people were annoying but it was extremely stressful for him to be out in public. 

It was now his turn in line so he stepped up and began unloading the basket onto the conveyor belt. As always he only spoke what was necessary to the cashier but maintained a certain amount of politeness. 

The cashier finished bagging the groceries and told him the total. Jack produced his wallet from his pocket and he took out some money, handing it to the cashier. She gave him a receipt and his change, wishing him a good rest of his day. Jack just nodded in response and grabbed the bags from the counter. He nearly made a beeline for the exit, glad to be away from that sensory overload.

While he was out he figured it would be a good idea to go ahead and cash that check he got in the mail. The bank was a few more blocks away but he didn’t mind walking. He reached the stone building a few minutes later and went inside.

He stopped at an electronic booth so he didn’t have to talk to a person. He took out some money to have as cash on hand and deposited the rest into his account.

Task two of the day completed. Now he could finally go back home.

When he got back, he unloaded the groceries and put them away. He noticed how messy his space was getting and decided to take action. Once he was done putting up groceries, he washed the dishes left in the sink and cleaned off the countertops. Then he tidied up around the living room and the table and swept the floors. The bathroom needed a touch up so he got to work on that. He also put the clothes lying on his bedroom floor in a laundry basket to be washed. By the time he was done cleaning nearly three hours had passed.

At this point it was almost dinner time and Jack was trying to figure out what to make. He pulled a box of pasta from a shelf in his pantry and decided to just wing it with some sort of pasta dish. He got the noodles started by leaving them in a pot on the stove to boil. While he waited on that he made a small salad to go with it, topping it with lots of cheese and an interesting looking dressing he found at the store. 

When the pasta finished cooking, he mixed it in with a tomato sauce he let heat up in a pan. Once that was done, he topped it with a little garlic and plenty of cheese. He moved to the table with the food and fixed himself a plate. The first bite was heavenly, a small reward for being productive today. He ate in complete silence as usual and relished in the peace and quiet. 

Jack started to get full after a while so he saved what was left over for later and cleaned up the mess in the kitchen. He put away the supplies he used and tossed the dirty dishes in the sink. Just as he picked up a dish to wash, the pan on top of it fell with a loud crash, making him jump back and drop the dish he was holding. 

Instantly he was brought back to the battlefield. The loud noise rang in his ears, imitating the explosions. He covered his ears with his hands and got down on his knees, curling in on himself and whimpering in pain.

No matter how hard he tried to snap out of it, the illusion wouldn’t budge. All he could do was stay there on the floor and ride it out until his brain decided to leave him alone. 

After what felt like forever, the noise and the visions eventually subsided, leaving him shook up and struggling to breath. He felt a lump form in his throat and choked over the sob he tried to keep back but couldn’t. This attack came out of absolutely nowhere and scared him to death. Loud noises never bothered him that much before and he never thought of them as triggering. This was completely unexpected.

Jack hit his head against his hands and scolded himself. Stop crying, you whimp! It’s over now. Jeez, get a fucking grip.  He rocked back and forth, trying to calm himself and ride out the last remaining effects of the attack. 

Something had to give. This was getting ridiculous.

Crack A Smile and Cut Your Mouth

Ledger!Joker Origin Story

Chapter Twelve - Calloused Heart

Warnings: Self harm

Chapter Summary: Things keep getting worse and worse for Jack. He does something horribly unexpected one night and leaves the apartment to get some air. He discovers that outside things aren't much better than they are for him.

Author's Note: This took way too long. And I don't think it's even that good for the amount of time I spent on it. Oh well. Staying at home this week due to the storm has certainly helped me get things done. Anyway, we are getting closer and closer to Jack's complete transformation. Just 4 more chapters. I can't wait for the ending! 😈

Taglist: @alittlesmartcookie @furisodespirit

If you would like to be added to the taglist please let me know! <3

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Another year passed and still things did not improve. They had in fact gotten much worse.

Every day it was the same old same old. Yet Jack was starting to feel like everything was getting increasingly out of control by the day.

Tonight, he sat at his kitchen table, his mind wandering and his eyes distant. He held an apple and a knife in his hands. He was supposed to slice it and have a snack before he went on his nightly run but something had distracted him from the task, causing him to sit in silence, lost in thought.

He finally snapped out of his daze and placed the apple on the table for him to cut. He sliced it into halves and went from there. When he was done, he looked down at the sharp knife in his hands and the shimmer on the blade. Mesmerized, he twisted the knife around his fingers and played around with it. 

Back when he was deployed and everyone was sitting around bored with nothing better to do, some of the other soldiers would do that knife trick from Aliens to some poor private that didn’t know any better. Jack would always watch from afar and laugh to himself.

He continued fidgeting with the knife, reminiscing about the past and mulling over his current situation. Sometimes he just liked to sit and think.

Then impulsive thoughts took over all at once. 

Jack didn’t know what came over him. What happened next was all a blur afterwards. All he could think about was how he wanted to feel something again. What would just a little pressure on his arm feel like? Maybe a little more?

Before he knew it, there were two angry slashes and red trickles of blood across his forearm. He gasped faintly as he realized what he was doing and threw the knife down, rushing to the bathroom. He found bandages in the cabinet and began frantically cleaning up the wounds, dousing them with peroxide. 

Jack was starting to feel the pain now that the initial high of the adrenaline had worn off. It burned and spread across his arm like wildfire. Tears pricked his eyes. What the hell was he thinking?

Thankfully the cuts weren’t too deep. He dressed them with bandages and not long after went back into the kitchen. He stared down in disbelief at the bloody knife discarded on the table. This was a new low. 

“I’m so fucking tired…” He said to no one in particular, rubbing his weary eyes. 

He decided that in order to clear his head and ward off those harmful thoughts, he needed to go get some fresh air. After all he still had that run to do. 

Throwing on a brown flannel over the black long sleeve shirt and worn out gray slacks he was wearing, Jack grabbed his keys and out the door he went. The January night air was crisp and sharp. It burned through his lungs as he took off running.

He slowed to a light jog as he moved into a busy area. The streets were alive with activity. Groups of people walked briskly from place to place. Being a Friday night, which Jack had totally forgotten, businesses in Gotham were booming.

Jack kept his head down as he went, avoiding eye contact with anyone. He chose to take a side street and get out of that mess. Weekends were never a good time to go for a night run.

Leaving the busy side of town, he entered a quiet street with little traffic or nightlife. The few people that were out were usually homeless or like Jack and just wanted to go outside for a bit. 

As he passed an alleyway, an older man jumped out in front of him. Jack flinched, a little startled. The man wore a blue beanie, a tattered heavy jacket, and jeans nearly torn to shreds. He pawed at Jack’s arm desperately.

“Can you spare me a few bucks, son?” The man asked.

Jack felt horrible. If had any money with him, he would have given him some. 

“Sorry man, I don’t have any cash on me.” 

“Oh. That’s alright. Sorry I bothered ya.”

The man turned away and walked back to his spot in the alleyway. Jack saw his ‘homeless veteran’ sign laying next to the pile of blankets he was sitting on and felt even worse. Maybe he would see him again when he had some money.

The further through the city Jack went, the worse things got. The streets were trashed and dimly lit. He passed another alleyway and caught a glimpse of a man shoved against the wall being mugged. The man looked utterly terrified. Jack quickened his pace and chose not to get involved. The mugger looked like he might have a gun. 

Jack finally stopped at an intersection and looked out at the rest of the dismal city. He figured out pretty fast that this run was not going to benefit his already fragile state. 

It isn’t any better out here than it is inside. He thought with a sigh.

He made a mental note to never go this way on his runs again. Instead of turning around, he took another route home and ran with a quicker pace so he could get home faster. He slowed down as he got closer to his building and paused to catch his breath.

Jack trudged up the stairs back to his apartment, defeated. He didn’t know what to do. Nothing was helping him feel any better. He tossed his keys carelessly on the counter as he entered, flipping on the dim kitchen light.

He grabbed his journal off the shelf and sat down at the table, opening to a new page. He sketched the homeless old man he encountered and the mugging he witnessed in pen to make it look more rugged. Above the drawings he wrote down his stirred up thoughts about the whole situation. After the brain dump, he sat back and read over his work, shaking his head at himself. 

Here he thought all of these problems he was having would somehow disappear. It seemed utterly hopeless now that he saw the state of the rest of the world. Wars, increased violence, poverty…

He would have to tough it out just a little longer and hope things miraculously got better. It wasn’t looking likely. How could he ever expect to recover from the horrors in a world that was so dark and cruel?

Jack closed his journal and stood up with a grunt, placing it back on the shelf. He moved into the living room, took off his flannel, and kicked off his shoes, throwing them on the floor. He sat down on the couch and turned on the TV to yet again pass the time, skipping through the channels. 

The evening news popped up. They were talking about the fighting in the Middle East. Jack wanted to turn it off so bad but something made him keep it on. The images on the screen nearly jumped out at him. He was there in the hot sandy desert reliving it all over again. Witnessing death and destruction. 

The media made the soldiers seem like such heroes and patriots. Jack didn’t feel like that at all. He thought back to that little girl in the village where they had the firefight. He may not have done anything directly but he was there. He contributed. 

New outlets and political campaigns glorified war. If they had actually experienced it themselves right in the thick of it, they wouldn’t be doing that. 

Jack felt his blood boil, a deep hatred and rage brewing inside him. He threw the remote across the room as hard as he could. It struck the wall and cracked the plastic, breaking it into several pieces. The anger melted away. Destroying that remote was weirdly satisfying to watch. 

But then the satisfaction faded and he came to his senses. Why did he just do that? Did that help anything? No. 

He sighed, disappointed in himself, and got up to shut the TV off. He turned back to the batteries and scattered bits of plastic on the floor, embarrassed at how immature he just acted. Hastily he swept up the mess and threw it away so he didn’t have to look at it anymore.

There was nothing left to do now but go to bed and get some rest. Jack knew that was nearly impossible these days. Still, he had to at least try. 

So Jack walked into his bedroom and stripped off into just his boxers. He crawled into bed, nestled under the covers, and turned off the lamp on the nightstand beside him, closing his eyes and beginning to drift off.

Heh. I’m gonna need a new remote.

nice kid, too bad about the accident.

Crack A Smile and Cut Your Mouth

Ledger!Joker Origin Story

Chapter Thirteen - There Ought To Be Clowns

Warnings: None - This one is actually kinda wholesome lol

Chapter Summary: Jack finds out that the circus has come to Gotham and decides to go as a way to pick himself up after the rough night he had.

Author's Note: I got this done fast and it's longer than the last two chapters! Yay! I was nearly in tears while writing this. Jack is so adorable my heart- 😭

Taglist: @alittlesmartcookie @furisodespirit

If you would like to be added to the taglist please let me know! <3

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Jack was up way too early. He’d gotten up earlier to use the bathroom, but now he couldn’t go back to sleep. All he could do was stare at the ceiling blankly, wishing he could have a normal sleep schedule. Fed up, he roused himself from his bed and threw on some clothes, stumbling into the kitchen.

It was unusually cold this morning which meant the heating units in the building were broken again. Mrs. Vernon was probably going crazy trying to get that fixed. Jack picked up his flannel from the floor and put it on to stay warm. He placed his coffee pot on the stove and brewed a batch. Once it was ready, he grabbed a mug from the shelf and poured himself a cup. 

He sat down at the table and sipped on the warm drink. Caffeine always gave him an energy boost that made him feel better after a night of little sleep. That and cigarettes.

Jack finished the coffee and stood up from the table with a yawn. He tossed the mug into the sink and grabbed his keys from the counter. He wasn’t completely woken up yet and was bored. So to change things up he decided today he would go for a morning run instead of doing it at night. 

After he put on shoes and locked up, he took the stairs down and waved to Mrs. Vernon as he passed through the lobby. Once he was outside, he took off and started with a light jog, gradually increasing his speed to wake himself up.

Keeping in mind his discoveries from last night, Jack went a different route, running towards the harbor this time. The morning air was chilly and as time went on it got slightly lighter outside as the sun started to rise. Traffic was still present but very slim compared to the night before. Jack loved quiet mornings like this.

When he finally reached the harbor, he stopped at the railing and gripped it tightly, trying to catch his breath. He looked out over the water, admiring the pinkish orange hue shimmering across it. He had to admit Gotham’s sunrises were beautiful. They were a brief moment of peace before the daily hustle and bustle of the city set in and Gotham became depressing as usual.

He took one last look at the harbor before he turned and headed back. As he ran, he noticed red flyers attached to the light poles and taped up on street corners. Curious, he stopped to see what they were about.

The flyers read: Haly’s Circus comes to Gotham City Fri. Jan. 12th and Sat. Jan. 13th. Come one come all! A silhouette of a striped circus tent was in the background. At the bottom it listed the place where the show would be held and the times.

Huh. That seems nice. Maybe I should go. I have nothing better to do. Jack thought and pocketed the flyer. 

It would be good to go out and do something instead of sitting around the apartment like he usually did. After the rough night he had, he needed something to pick him back up. Maybe even boost his mood some. He loved the circus and fairs growing up. He always went to the carnival that came to his small town every year. There was a certain allure and magic that came with it. 

One of his fondest memories was when his mother saved enough money to take him to the circus in a neighboring town when he was eight. He loved it. He remembered thanking his mom nonstop after that. The circus was all he talked about for days.

Jacqueline was just as happy. Taking delight in seeing the pure joy on her son’s face but also because Scott finally let her do something out on her own without his control.

She had little excitement in her life. She only went out to run errands and was barely allowed to go to church on Sunday. She cherished the few times she was allowed to leave the mundane. 

…

Little eight year old Jack sat in his mother’s lap, his eyes sparkling as he watched the show unfold in front of him. 

“Do you like the circus, Jack?” Jacqueline asked, smiling softly.

Jack nodded, his attention focused solely on the ring. The animals came out a few moments later. An elephant stood up on its hind legs and lifted its trunk, trumpeting loudly. 

Jack giggled at the sight. “Mama what is that thing?”

“That’s an elephant, dear.” 

“Woah…” 

Jacqueline chuckled at the awe struck look on her son’s face. His fascination only grew as the show continued, especially when the clowns came out. The colors and sights and sounds made the young boy’s head spin. 

Jack held his mother’s hand as they walked out of the tent once the show was over, bouncing with excitement. Before they got in the car, he hugged her tightly, burying his face into her chest.

“Thank you for taking me, Mama.”

Jacqueline smiled and patted his head. “You’re welcome, baby.”

…

On the way to the circus, Jack grabbed a quick bite to eat at a nearby pizza stand since had a little time to kill before he went and got a ticket. He bought two slices from the stand and brought it back to his truck. He let the pizza cool off as he drove to the red striped tent set up in the distance. 

He parked in the gravel area near the tent and left the truck running so the heat would stay. As he ate, he observed the area outside the tent. There was already a line forming and people walking around outside. He glanced at his watch. He had a little under 30 minutes before the show started.

Jack finished eating and grabbed his jacket from the passenger seat, throwing it on as he got out of the truck. He shut the door and walked towards the line, pocketing his wallet and keys. As he waited in line, he surveyed his surroundings. 

The air smelled of popcorn and fried sweets. Everything was bustling with activity. Outside the tent different food vendors and carnival games were set up. Couples walked by holding hands and children ran around playing and laughing. The vendors were busy making food and taking orders. The people running the games were calling out to the crowds, trying to get their attention.

Overall the noise wasn’t too bad. Jack hoped it would stay that way when he got inside the tent.

Soon it was his turn in line and he approached the booth timidly. It probably looked really weird to everyone else that a grown man would be here by himself. But the girl behind the counter was really friendly and didn’t seem phased which put Jack more at ease. He took the ticket from the girl and headed towards the entrance.

Once he was inside, he scanned the area for a good seat. He found one towards the top where very few people were sitting. The show would start in 10 minutes. That meant that the seats around him most likely wouldn’t fill up, much to his relief.

As he waited, he started to grow antsy. Maybe this was a bad idea. He hadn’t been in a crowd this big in a long time and he was sure the noise would bother him. Why did he decide to do this again? He was setting himself up by walking into a direct sensory overload. If he wanted a pick-me-up why didn’t he just go get ice cream or something? You gotta start out small before you move to bigger things.

Soon the lights started to dim and the show began. It was too late to turn back now so Jack took a deep breath and focused on what was in front of him. The ringmaster opened with a few words and then a trio of jugglers were introduced.

They started out with safe objects like bean bags and eggs and then it got much harder. The number of objects increased and the safe objects were replaced with knives or flaming torches.

The jugglers finished their act and then the animals came out next. Two lions, a tiger, two elephants, and a bear were all paraded through the ring. The elephant, decorated in colorful beads and a cloth draped across its back, balanced on a small ball in the center of the ring. The lions and the tiger leapt through various sized hoops the trainers held up and performed various tricks. The bear, dressed in a pink tutu and bow, was somehow riding a unicycle.

As cool as it was to see these exotic animals up close, it seemed cruel to Jack to have them in this environment. It wasn’t natural for them to live this way. He hoped that the conditions they were kept in were at least humane, unlike most circuses. Hopefully maybe this one was different.

After the animals left and the stage was cleared off, the lights shifted to a purple hue and a young woman wearing a glittery blue leotard walked out into the ring. A hoop was lowered close to the floor and the woman gracefully swung her legs through it, sitting on the hoop as it moved up higher. 

Empowering instrumental music played in the background as the woman elegantly contorted her body around the hoop. The crowd cheered as she increased the difficulty. At times she was only hanging from the hoop by her feet.

Jack found this type of sport fascinating. It was mind blowing how she was holding herself up while barely touching the hoop so high in the air. He figured it took an incredible amount of strength and agility to be able to do that.

The woman finished with a bow and walked off stage. The room went dark after that. Suddenly the lights flashed colorfully in all directions. A group of dancers entered and began their routine. Jack closed his eyes for a few moments until the flashing subsided. It would give him a severe headache if he kept looking and he didn’t want the lights to trigger anything.

He finally opened his eyes when he could tell the lights returned to normal and watched the dancers wave around colorful silks as they danced and tumbled. He was paying attention but he had to keep his eyes focused on one thing at a time. It kept him anchored through the noise and the flashing movements, all things that could easily trigger him.

The dancing act concluded and Jack breathed a sigh of relief. The spotlight shifted to a trapeze set up towards the back. At the very top stood a family of acrobats, dressed in red and green and waving to the audience. They swung from the bars back and forth across the ring, doing flips in mid air and catching each other.

Among the acrobats was a young boy that had to be no older than seven or eight. The boy was grinning ear to ear as he flew through the air, flawlessly keeping up with the others. Jack was impressed. He couldn’t fathom being able to do that at such a young age.

After the acrobats and a few more bizarre acts were done, at last Jack's favorite act came towards the end. The clowns. Several of them came out at once with painted exaggerated faces and colorful costumes.

They fumbled over themselves due to their baggy pants and big shoes. The children in the audience laughed. Jack couldn’t help but smile a little. Seeing the clowns uncovered his childhood memory of the circus once more, giving him a warm fuzzy feeling.

He admired the clowns and the artistry put into their makeup and costumes despite their silliness. Each one had different faces, different colors, different wigs, and different patterns. They were all unique in their own way and Jack found that so cool. 

Clowns could even have a symbolic meaning behind them. The makeup was like a mask. It hid their true emotions. The paint made them look like they were smiling or some other exaggerated expression but in reality behind the paint was a different emotion entirely. 

Jack could somewhat see himself in that. Appearing fine on the outside but really on the inside he was struggling. Over time, more specifically the last few years, his mask began to fall. Now just by looking at him in his sleep deprived and disheveled state, you could tell he was going through a lot.

Finally, the show ended with the entire cast and crew standing in the ring, wishing everyone a good night. Jack hopped up from his seat and quickly made it to the exit before the crowds started rushing out. This allowed him to get to the parking lot faster and pull out before the traffic picked up.

As he drove back to his apartment, Jack was actually feeling really good. He even noticed a small smile tugging at his lips. That meant his idea worked. He couldn't believe it. 

The circus was really enjoyable and Jack loved it just as much as he did when he was eight years old. But even though he liked it, he probably wouldn’t go to one again because everything in the show could’ve easily triggered him. The lights, the noise, the music, the crowd, etc. He was very surprised that he stayed calm the entire time. 

He wouldn’t put himself in a stressful situation like that again, but at least now he knew that if it was absolutely necessary he could stop himself from being affected by things that could trigger him. He felt so proud of himself. Maybe this thing was beatable after all.