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Discovery

This is another entry for the 2024 Jinnobi Challenge!

It contains the ships "Quiobi" and "Anidala" and it is an AU in which both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan survived the duel of the fates. There are no warnings needed. Enjoy!

Qui-Gon paced the dimly lit room that he had been sharing with Anakin for seven years now and almost a decade with Obi-Wan before him. The soft drumming of the raindrops was the only company he had had in hours now. The chronometer next to his bed ticked over to 0400, but his young and reckless padawan still hadn't returned. Qui-Gon knew exactly where the youngster was, but the lateness of the hour still deepened his concerns.

At last, the hiss of the door announced Anakin's arrival, no matter how hard he tried to be quiet himself. When their eyes met, the young man froze. Had he really believed that his absence would not be discovered? Even though the master-padawan bond between them was so strong it even overshadowed the one he had had with Obi-Wan? The memory cut deep into his Qui-Gon’s heart, so he quickly shielded his emotions. Obviously not quick enough for Anakin to pick up at least some of them, though. His padawan obviously misinterpreted them because he bit his lip in a guilty fashion and averted his eyes. Qui-Gon, on the other hand, begged him to look at him, his expression a mix of sternness and compassion.

"You're late, Anakin."

The youngster's gaze flickered with shame. "I'm sorry, Master. I did not wish to worry you or make you stay up so late. I know how busy you are with all those terribly boring hearings and the connected paperwork that’s even worse. Rest assured that I was not in danger once! I was simply staying over with friends and forgot about the time. That’s all that is to it."

Qui-Gon sighed and felt shame wash over him the same moment. He should have been able to keep physical reactions like this in check. But with Anakin he had always behaved differently as he should have, had always shown too much compassion or acted out of line. It hadn’t helped that the young man had come into his apprenticeship at a time when he had been too old to find happiness in serenity in a natural way, but too young to live without a father figure at all. It had taken its toll on him, no matter how much he had actively fought against it. Sometimes he indeed felt like a father and that was dangerous for himself as well as the young human in his care. Attachments led to passion and passion led so easily to the Dark Side. He had always kept his feelings in check, no matter how deep. Why did he fail Anakin so much?

"We both know that your words aren't true." Qui-Gon shoved his feelings of inadequacy aside and took a step closer, his voice softening. "I know you were with Padmé once again."

Anakin's eyes widened in shock. "I... I can explain..."

"There is no need," Qui-Gon interrupted gently. "I can feel it, my dear padawan. You may shield your feelings perfectly from others, including me, but I see the way you look at her, I see the little smiles that not even you are aware of. The love you feel for her is unmistakable to anybody who knows you." Which, if he thought about it, was him only. He wondered if the young politician had but a clue who Anakin really was and what potential still awaited to be freed. “And I know how much she means to you.”

Anakin's face flushed with a mix of embarrassment and defiance. "We’re not doing anything wrong! I’d give my life for her, and she for me! How can something that is so selfless and sweet be wrong?"

Qui-Gon shook his head slowly. "Don’t you remember? Attachment without boundaries leads to the Dark Side. This path you are treading could be your destruction. Even if it did not, it surely would stop your rise to be the greatest Jedi of us all."

Anakin's temper flared, his eyes were shining with anger, but his chin was trembling like a babe’s about to cry. His feelings of utter betrayal clouded the room. All his shields were gone.

"That's easy for you to say, Master!” he finally spit out. “You’ve never loved anyone! How dare you lecture me on this? You don't have a bloody clue how hard it is to let go or to even to hold back your feelings when all you want to do it scream your happiness out into the world!"

Qui-Gon remained silent, his gaze turned distant. The room seemed to close in around them, the silence thick and heavy between them. Anakin's breathing grew louder in his own ears, and he wondered if Qui-Gon could hear the rapid beating of his heart. Why didn’t he say anything? Wasn’t he supposed to fight back? Where was his flawless logic or profound knowledge of any Jedi unfortunate enough to fall in love since the dawn of the first republic? What was he waiting for? Surly he had something wise to lecture him with?

At last, Qui-Gon spoke with a tone that Anakin had never heard in his voice before. "You are wrong, my dear padawan. I do understand that pain all too well."

Anakin's anger cooled like a bucket of cold water was poured over his head. It was replaced by a spark of regret and then overpowering curiosity. "Who did you love, Master?” He felt into the force and was shocked by the amount of mourning that washed over him as Qui-Gon lowered the shields to his soul. “Oh, Master! Never would I have guessed! Did she... did she die?"

Qui-Gon looked at Anakin, his sadness deepening for just one moment longer, before he built his walls around his emotions again. "No, he did not die. We cannot be together, that is all there is to it. We were both Jedi. There is no way to consume this love, no matter how deep it is.”

He.

Anakin didn’t care. He was surprised how little he cared about that fact. This person before him was the closest he had ever had to a father and he alone had the power to dim even his most violent rage. He’d crushed any man or woman who meant harm to him. Qui-Gon was wrong when he spoke about attachments being the way to the Dark Side, because he could not ever have an attachment more profound than the one he had been sharing with Qui-Gon Jinn since the moment they had bonded as master and padawan so many years ago.

“Another Jedi,” Anakin whispered and suddenly it all clicked into place. He wondered how he could have been so blind. The anger of betrayal when a young padawan had accused his master of throwing him away for another, quickly exchanged smiles in situations bare any entertainment, and looks that lingered far too long… “It’s Master Obi-Wan!”

Now a sad smile was shown for him or maybe it was meant for Obi-Wan, even though the serious Jedi master was not here to witness it.

“It is he. I have loved him for almost as long as you are alive and I still do. More so with every day. But I can never tell him. I could not… must not let my feelings interfere with his destiny back then and I must not do so now. Like you, he is meant to be one of the greatest Jedi, and I will not hinder him or stand in his way. "

Anakin stared in stunned silence, his mind racing. It all made so much sense! Actions that had seemed out of place, lines that had not made much sense, silence that had felt suffocating… "Master Obi-Wan… he loves you, too. But the rules of the code, they keep him from demanding what’s his to have. This is the reason for all his sardonic smiles and his irony.” He could not believe this. Qui-Gon was the kindest man he knew. He loved him like a father, had even been jealous when other padawans had been allowed to be taught by him. Suddenly he wasn’t even sure if he’d ever known this man. “And you allow this? Even though it keeps you both from being happy? Even though it literally causes Mater Obi-Wan pain?"

Qui-Gon nodded with a hurt expression of his own. "It is the burden we bear as Jedi. It is a noble sacrifice for the greater good. You, too, Anakin, are bound by your destiny. You are the Chosen One. Your potential is infinite… limitless. But attachments will hold you back."

Tears welled in Anakin's eyes, his voice trembling. "No! These are only words! How do you know the future? This is wrong! You at least should tell Master Obi-Wan that you love him so much! Even if you don't want to be with him, he deserves to know! Doesn’t he have the right to make a decision of his own?"

Qui-Gon placed a hand on Anakin's shoulder, his grip firm, yet loving. It was infuriating. "I cannot do that, dear Padawan of mine. One day, Obi-Wan would hate me for interfering with his greatness. He would despise the very love he is craving now. Some things are best left unsaid, undone. And now, go to bed."

Anakin was stubborn, had always been. He bit his tongue to not blurt out some accusations that surly he would regret in the morning. Instead, he nodded slowly and made his way to his room, his mind turning into a tumult of emotions. As he lay on his bunk, staring at the ceiling, he pondered Qui-Gon's words. There was some wiseness in them for sure, but he could not grasp it. Love was good! It had given him the strength to protect Padmé when they were in danger. For her love he knew he could achieve anything, like he had achieved so much just for the sake of Qui-Gon being proud of him and by doing so proving to the council that his master had been right to choose him. Both were forms of love. Both had made him the man he was now. Wasn’t he the most powerful Jedi already? He couldn’t say for sure but he could feel power radiating within him that the teachings of the order had not yet touched. Maybe they didn’t even know about it. They couldn’t possibly know everything.

Anakin bit his lip and frowned. No, they did NOT know everything. If they did, they would know that his master was not stronger in his solitude but instead was ignoring a potential that he would unfold only in Obi-Wan’s presence, like he had for Padmé two years ago when he singlehandedly had taken out nineteen kill-droids.

He couldn't give up Padmé and he wouldn’t give up Padmé. She would not give up on him either. She never learnt how to shield her emotions and her love for him filled any room she entered like the sun rising in the sky. He could not even imagine not bathing in that unconditional love, not revelling in its warmth or getting drunk on the power her existence alone gave him.

Obi-Wan had been mean to him when he had been a child desperate for acceptance and a family. But now he understood and wondered how he had managed to embrace Anakin after all, even more so, started to care for him.

The thing was… He cared for Obi-Wan as well. Calming sleep eluded him as he wrestled with the decision he ultimately would have to make. Should he tell Obi-Wan about Qui-Gon's lingering feelings? Would it change anything anymore? The weight of the order's expectations pressed down on them all, but where did Obi-Wan’s ultimate loyalty lie? With the Jedi Order or his found family? He would see if… when he told Master Obi-Wan the truth he just uncovered. With this topic settled, only one thought remained clear and burnt itself into his very soul.

He couldn't let go Padmé. Not now, not ever.