Feeling Normal - Tumblr Posts
Mirrah Foulkes and Leigh Whannell as Nina and Matt in Dying Breed (2008)
he watches as she contemplates it: happiness, now a foreign word to her, displayed in the way her features twist at even the thought. he knows exactly what she's thinking of, the spring court, her high lord ... how she threw herself into death, willingly, & in return was only deemed as a prisoner. it twists at his insides, rage bubbling up in what he tells himself is merely just rage at what they'd done to their champion & not jealousy. he hasn't fooled himself into thinking he could be the one to provide happiness for her, knows enough to know that would be a long shot — but he had hope that maybe this place, his court, would be enough for her be able to vision it at least. the confirmation seers more than he imagined it would. " you'll find it again. " rhysand mutters with confidence, he knows it's true, even if it's not here.
an inhale, his gaze dropping feyre's as she walks towards him, her scent disappointingly intoxicating. he doesn't allow himself to enjoy it, can't help the way his face falls with her words. for so long, he was trapped under that damned mountain ... does he have a place in this world? would anyone forgive him after what he's had to do? what he will do, to ensure they win this? " i'm not sure that i do anymore. " he's lost all of his armor, his protective mask, & rips himself open for her to tear apart if she wanted to. but instead she's holding onto his hand, saying exactly the right things, & he can't help the longing that's burning into his gaze, at their hands. " i was hopeful to get out, determined to save velaris, my family — but even after all of that, at best i'm known as a monster. worse, i'm just known as her whore. " as much as his brain is screaming at him to so much as intertwine their fingers, he hesitates. terrified of scaring her away, afraid of the rejection. " now we have this war, which i will do everything in my power to win. but after that, if i survive ... what else is there? " there's no answer that would be enough, he knows, if it's not her.
" happy? " i breathe, as if it were a foreign word on my tongue. i had never been granted the luxury of prevailing contentment, nor had i ever been foolish enough to expect it. there had only been a handful of fleeting, blissful moments, all of them brutally ripped away. some days, i wondered if they had ever been real to begin with. the safety and comfort of the spring court had seemed so exceptional and delicate -- i had even been willing to die for it. to kill for it. and what exactly did i have to show for it now? a broken heart trapped in an immortal body -- navigating a world that still didn't make sense to me. perhaps, that was all it had ever been meant to be. mere glimpses into possibilities i had never before dared to desire. i stared down at my hands, the eye on my palm boring into my soul. " i'm not sure i know what that means for me anymore. " finally, i looked up, gaze drifting off into the distance, an image of refined acceptance. " i thought i did. but now it's not so. . . clear. "
as i glanced back towards rhysand, it occurred to me that those frivolous and cursory moments of merriment were hardly as significant as the genuine sincerity and support he shared with me now. to peer into one's soul and not run away. to stare into one's eyes, and behold your own reflection gazing back. in his own ways, rhys had seen me through my worst, always giving me the grace to be myself. how wrong i had been to judge him so quickly, when he had offered so much of himself to me -- to his people. sacrifices made without ever once expecting any recognition. i had begun to wonder if there was any part of himself he wasn't willing to give up. " why do you speak of the world as if you don't have a place in it? " i took a few, small and purposeful steps towards him. as if each one represented an inconceivable choice -- with each move forward, i knew i was leaving something behind. but for once, i had the faintest feeling that it was possible that i was headed towards something greater. " i know the hope you have. the determination. i saw it under the mountain. i feel it now. and yet you count yourself out. " now just inches between us, i slowly took his hand, my thumb grazing his knuckle, eyes wide and serious as they bore into his. " well, don't. don't do that. i don't think you're ' too far gone ', rhysand. and you wouldn't dare make me for a fool. "
To have her here in bed with me, breathing on me, her hair in my mouth—I count that something of a miracle.
Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer
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