DNR. - Tumblr Posts

26 March 2021-Life Updates

Sooo...it’s been over a month since I last made a personal post on here. So, here are some life updates:

1. I have been very (extremely) inconsistent with both working out and maintaining a healthier diet. This year has really been kicking my ass. There is so much I have to do in preparation for the end of this semester. I know that is not an excuse, but I really don’t have any other reason to explain me slacking. I’m just so tired all the time. No matter when I go to bed and how much sleep I get, I still feel exhausted. I’m so stressed and burnt out at this point, but I can’t stop yet. I still have like 5 more weeks. But, those 5 weeks seem so far away.

2.  I’ve been actively planning my future. Anything to keep me going and to give me something to look forward to. I’ve been applying to jobs. I, recently, started budgeting and keeping better track of how much I spend each month. I made a list of places I would love to visit one day. I made another list consisting of things I want to try (pole dancing sounds especially fun). I even made a list of books I want to read within these next few months.   

3. I’ve been working on putting myself first. I’ve been, slowly, setting better boundaries with people and being more mindful about my own time and needs. I definitely worry so much (too much) about other people and what they think of me. I’m constantly worried about losing people. I’m always afraid that the people I love are going to get sick of me one day and realize they don’t want to be in my life anymore and no longer want me in theirs. It’s happened before, not even once or twice...I work so hard to make sure I don’t do anything that upsets people. I have realized that I, often, go out of my way to make others happy at the expense of my own happiness. I give so much grace to to people who would, no doubt, drop me the moment I make 1 mistake. And...I’m not saying you shouldn’t drop people. If that’s what brings you peace, definitely set those boundaries with those who are draining you and are toxic for you. What I mean is that I find myself letting people get away with talking to me and treating me in ways that they, themselves, would not tolerate. So...why on earth am I tolerating it, you know? Why can’t I set boundaries with people too? Why do I always have to feel guilty for putting myself first for once? I shouldn’t feel guilty for putting myself first and neither should any of you.

Anyway, this is just me rambling. Today, I cleaned out my fridge and went through my cupboards. I’m going to go grocery shopping tomorrow. I plan on buying actual food. Not just quick snacks I can take with me on the go. My goal is to cook an actual meal tomorrow night. I think I’m also going to find time to do a light workout or even just go for a walk. I really want to start feeling like myself again.

13 May 2022

My dog died 2 days ago and I’m still heartbroken.

Honestly, it feels so surreal knowing that I’m never going to see her again. 

I’ll never hear her barking at the birds whenever they’re hanging out on the lawn or at whatever neighbor’s cat that’s strolling along our fence.

When I step inside my house, I’m never going to see her rushing over to greet me. 

I’m never going to be able to take her on walks again.

Or pet her.

Or see her lie down by my feet in my room, while I’m watching tv or playing video games or doing homework.

I’m never going to be able to take her hiking like I had always wanted to, but never found the time to (now I’m really wish I had...)

It probably seems silly to some people to be feeling so emotional over a dog, but she wasn’t just a dog. She was basically family. She joined my family when when she was just a few weeks old. We basically raised her and I had some milestone years with her as well. To top it all off, she was going to turn 11 years old this month...

I know bigger dogs don’t live as long as smaller dogs, but I was really hoping I had at least a couple more years with her. With me moving back to my family home, since I graduate soon, I was looking forward to being home more often. Instead of having to go back and forth between two cities because of work and school.

I feel so bad because I feel like I didn’t have enough time with her. Like I said, the past few years, I was not consistently with her because of work and school. 

Now she’s gone and I’m never going to get that lost time back.

23 April 2023- Reset

So, I know it’s been a while...

I’m sorry for not being consistent with posting on here. It’s been a really rough few months. 

There are multiple sources of the stress I’ve been experiencing, both in my personal life and at work. 

I’ve been really depressed and lonely and have been dealing with a lot of anxiety.

I haven’t been to the gym in several months, so I haven’t even had much to report here anyway...

I’ve been feeling horrible about myself and I feel like my life has been very stagnant. It also doesn’t help that my birthday was just a few days ago. I feel like this has added to the existential dread I’ve been experiencing this weekend...

I know I need to start taking care of myself again. It’s just really hard sometimes.

But, I intend to start doing that. I’m going to treat this coming week as a reset. 

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to restart my health and fitness goals. I’m going to start going to the gym again and incorporate more nutrient-dense foods into my diet. I’m going to start focusing on myself and my needs more. I’m going to revisit the vision board I made for this year and remind myself about the intentions I, originally, had for 2023 (before stuff started going to shit). I’m going to start journaling again. I’m going to become re-attuned to my spirituality and more proactive with my spiritual practices (e.g., manifesting, cleansing, meditating, etc.). I’m going to start trusting myself again and working on improving my intuition. I’m going to be more consistent with self-care. I’m going to continue to go to therapy and heal. 

I’ll do whatever it takes to start feeling better again.

DARK WAVES RECEDE IN COUNTERCURRENT TOWARD A MAW STARVED BY NEAR - BIBLICAL FAMINE,   SWILLING AN ANTHROPOID DREG THAT JUST CAN’T ACCEPT THE FACT THAT HE’S BEING SWALLOWED─

a torn page,    crumpled to   𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓.    𝖘𝖈𝖗𝖆𝖙𝖈𝖍𝖊𝖉 𝖔𝖚𝖙.    ﹝ 𝙆𝙀𝙀𝙋 𝙄𝙏 𝙎𝙄𝙈𝙋𝙇𝙀. ﹞    reset the ribbon,   𝖲𝖳𝖠𝖱𝖳 𝖠𝖦𝖠𝖨𝖭.    ﹝ 𝘐 𝘊𝘈𝘕 𝘚𝘌𝘛 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘚𝘛𝘈𝘎𝘌.    𝘐 𝘊𝘈𝘕 𝘔𝘈𝘒𝘌 𝘐𝘛 𝘙𝘐𝘎𝘏𝘛. ﹞

THE SUNRISE CASTS UPON VACANT SHORES, LEAVING SILENCE TO SUBMERGE A CALDERA GRAVE.   THERE IS CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION.   THE SIXTY - EIGHTH ANNUAL DEERFEST,   A STAPLE OF BRIGHT FALLS’ OLD AMERICANA.   ITS FLOATS TAKE TO HARBOR STREET DESPITE TRAGEDY, HEARTENING REMEMBRANCE.   HOPE, AT FIRST LIGHT, IGNITES AT THE EDGE OF TOWN. LOCAL AND NEIGHBORING POLICE   SPIRAL SEARCH   QUADRANT OFF CAULDRON LAKE AND ITS SURROUNDING FOREST,   WHILE TOWNSFOLK HOLD VIGIL.   AMONGST THE DEAD AND THE MISSING,   ALAN WAKE—

the keys nearly 𝚓𝚊𝚖.    prose stutter - stopped like a   lump   in the throat big enough to choke.    [ 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚂𝙲𝙸𝙾𝚄𝚂 / 𝚄𝙽𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚂𝙲𝙸𝙾𝚄𝚂 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚅𝙴𝚁𝙶𝙴𝙽𝙲𝙴. ]    alan’s fingers hover.    the tremor,    one he’d knock back with   𝖲𝖮𝖬𝖤𝖳𝖧𝖨𝖭𝖦 𝖨𝖭 𝖠 𝖫𝖮𝖶𝖡𝖠𝖫𝖫 𝖦𝖫𝖠𝖲𝖲.    a   𝒏𝒐𝒄𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝒂𝒏𝒊𝒎𝒂𝒍   caught in the high beams’ refraction off his wedding band.    deeper than marrow,    there is the   𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗣𝗛𝗔𝗡𝗧𝗢𝗠 𝗣𝗔𝗜𝗡 𝗢𝗙 𝗔 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗩𝗘𝗗 𝗔𝗩𝗨𝗟𝗦𝗜𝗢𝗡.

—A LOVING HUSBAND AND A GOOD FRIEND. WAKE’S WIFE, ALICE, AND BEST FRIEND, BARRY, STAND APART THE CROWD WITH UNSPOKEN HORROR.     ᐟᐟᐟᐟᐟᐟᐟᐟᐟᐟᐟᐟᐟ    HE MAY NEVER COME HOME.