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“knowing what happens after”

i cant stop thinking about it.

the brief feeling of elation

(after twenty three years of watching children die. forty six children in total - sons and daughters of people who used to be his friends, acquaintances, neighbours. twenty three years of drowning in grief and loss. blaming himself for it all entirely. after twenty three years haymitch abernathy finally manages to bring someone back. a boy who is better than he ever was, and a girl who feels like looking in the mirror)

followed by abject despair.

(they’ve survived the games and he might have still led them to their deaths. he’s no better than the capitol, he’s readied yet another pair of children for the chopping block, and after katniss’s stunt with the berries heads are bound to roll)

something about haymitch abernathy and his bloodstained hands. how they have been soaked with Twelve blood for over two decades. ever since maysilee died in his arms. how he searches for forgiveness at the bottom of a bottle and he never finds it.

"I give you- the tributes of District Twelve!"

I can't even begin to imagine what Haymitch must have been feeling when they won.

Realizing he gets to bring not one but both kids home this time. Watching Katniss make the same mistake he made. Knowing what happens after.