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a kiss to prove you don’t have feelings for them (James and Aggie)

agatha knew feelings weren't supposed to be part of the equation. they're just friends and this is just sex. the concept of friends with benefits had once seemed silly, and maybe even a bit stupid to her. she didn't see the point in such a relationship, until fairly recently. that's all it would be, agatha had promised herself. friendship and sex. that's all.

until, suddenly, it wasn't.

when the first bud of romance began to grow within her, it was the only flower she ever wanted to smother. agatha didn't really want to. she always has been a hopeless romantic, hoping 'the one' would come into her life and they'd live happily ever after. such was the stuff of fairytales, however, and even agatha could admit there was no point in believing in such things. that the perfect person doesn't exist and he or she doesn't just waltz into your life. but then... there's james. no, he isn't perfect, but then again, no one is. they're perfect together, though, aren't they? like two puzzle pieces that fit just right.

but of course... they're just friends with benefits. they both knew what they were getting into, they both knew feelings beyond anything platonic and strictly sexual would make a mess of things. maybe agatha just couldn't help but to start having feelings for james. he was good to her. kind, patient, sweet. he fulfills every want, need and desire both outside of the bedroom and in it. out of everyone in the world, she chooses him. but there lies the issue: would he choose her? does he feel as she's begun to feel? she wants to believe so, and yet, out of fear of ruining what they have now, agatha buries her feelings.

he'd tease her that, if they kept this kind of relationship up, that she'd catch feelings for him, and she'd laugh and playfully hit his arm. 'nonsense', she'd say. agatha was happy with the way things are, so why change it? but then her own feelings, regardless of all the smothering, would continue to grow and bloom inside of her heart. her feelings are relentless and undying, like weeds. it was unbearable at times, how much agatha wanted to tell him that she did have feelings, how much she wanted to take his hands, look him in the eyes and tell him of them.

if she had any bravery, she would.

a bit more time passes and he was at it again, being a tease to her, saying if they kept spending time like this, she'd start having feelings for him. agatha snorts and shakes her head, playfully hitting his arm. " nonsense. " not once has she alluded to having feelings for james, and she thinks she's hidden it fairly well, at least, until he stands up from the bed and moves to be in front of her.

" prove it, aggie. kiss me. "

what? agatha laughs and shakes her head, buttoning up her blouse. " w-we k-kiss all the t-time, james. " but it's not the same, is it? kissing just to kiss isn't the same. she often kissed him when they were having sex just to quiet herself, or at least try to. there's nothing behind those kisses and they both know that.

" then it won't be so hard to prove it to me, will it? "

he really is insistent, isn't he? " fine, fine. i-i'll kiss you and— a-and p-prove to you i don't feel a-anything else about all of this. " agatha steps closer and stands on the tips of her toes, her hands grasping james' upper arms to keep herself steady as she closes her eyes and kisses him. her heart flutters against her ribs and quickly begins to pound harder, her hold on his arms tightening a little. she lingers a moment longer before breaking the kiss.

" and? "

" a-and i... i f-feel... " her gaze travels over his features. agatha always thought james was a very handsome man. he could be with anyone he wants. he could, but does he want to? does his heart yearn for her as hers does for him? does she often occupy his mind as he occupies hers? does he feel safe? does he feel cared for? does he feel at all as she feels? she looks away. despite the deep, intense longing agatha feels, she pulls away and sits sits on the edge of the bed. her voice is a whisper with the next words that leave her. " i-i c-can't keep lying anymore. it hurts, james, i-i c-can't— i can't k-keep denying how i feel. "

agatha's throat burns and her chest feels tight as she tries to repress the urge to cry as tears well in her eyes. " i-i t-tried so hard to— t-to keep this strictly as f-friends with benefits, t-to n-n-not get emotionally involved, but... i c-c-couldn't h-help myself, i guess. " she sniffles, not looking up at james as she wrings her hands against her lap. agatha inhales, exhaling shakily. " i-it's n-not just that the sex is good, b-because it is, it's amazing, it's... y-you make me feel so... so s-safe, so whole. you're th-the only person i trust t-to— to b-be so vulnerable a-and open with. "

oh, of course agatha has friends she trusts, but not as much as james. she's afraid of nothing with him, and maybe it's terrifying in and of itself. it's only rejection and if she's ruined this that she fears. " i-i know it's just supposed to be s-sex a-and o-only sex, and yet... i've wanted so badly for it t-to be more, james. i've wanted that f-for months and i tried so hard t-t-to k-keep my feelings and my t-true desires buried, but i c-can't anymore. " tears pour down agatha's cheeks as she speaks, finally getting out these words after being unspoken for so long. it hurt to keep them buried, but it hurts, too, to put them out into the open. to lay herself bare even more than she already has.

" i-i c-can only imagine feeling the way i do for you a-and y-you only, james. n-n-no one m-makes me as happy as you do, and yet... i-i understand if i couldn't possibly m-make you feel the same. " after all, who wants a mess like her? who wants someone with as much baggage as she has? who wants someone whose confidence and self-esteem are nearly nonexistent? surely not james, right? a trembling hand wipes the tears from her face. she still can't look at him. " ...i-i've r-ruined this, haven't i? us. i've r-ruined us. "

We finally got Atticus to give someone else front, thank heavens. He's been fixated on deadlines and friends visiting, but he's been more and more mentally exhausted as he's gone on.

So it's Alice now. Hopefully. I often don't hold front for long these days. But I can certainly attempt.