. Break My Heart Again - Tumblr Posts

PHONING... 𓂃 ࣪˖ Break My Heart Again.

The only thing that could ruin your nights with Taehyun was the harsh reality that peeks in with the sun the morning after.

જ⁀➴♡ wc 2k ✧ angst

The morning sun gently filters through the curtains, casting a soft glow across the room as you sit at the table across from him, sipping on a steaming cup of coffee. The air was filled with a sense of calm and tranquility, the lingering warmth of last night still palpable between you.

The crease by his eyes when he smiled at you before looking down toward his phone almost had your head spinning and if you weren’t seated, you swore you could have fallen over.

There was a quietness to the moment, the only sound being the gentle hum of the coffee maker and the occasional clink of your ceramic mug against the tabletop.

The mug in front of him sat unmoved, half empty as remnants of spilt coffee dried on the rim with the time it remained untouched.

As you took another sip of your coffee, you stole a glance at Taehyun, the same small smile playing at the corners of your lips. Something in the way he leaned into the palm of his hand had you mesmerized. Your best friend, Taehyun, ever the beauty.

Maybe that was what it was that made you head over heels for him: that sense of familiarity in the way you looked at each other, a silent acknowledgment of the connection you shared.

One night, after all of the longing glances shared there had been a moment when the two of you crossed the line of friendship into something more. Not friends anymore but not quite lovers.

Nothing felt like yours anymore after that. Every little thing that defined you; the small sentimental trinkets he had gifted you from his travels, your car keys that had now become lonely with the departure of your apartment key. The pin codes and passwords you memorized like the back of your hand, always knowing he would be there to meet you on the other side.

They all felt like you, at one point in time. Your spare apartment key that had been thrown on his own keychain for when he would come over for sacred friend dates was now used only in the late night. Eventually, the pin codes you had memorized for him during the day faded from your mind as he made sure to meet you at the door, quickly punching it in himself to sneak you in late at night.

And more than anything else, your phone number— the one he boldly asked for that night you met, amidst a sea of your friends, under a sky of talking satellites and glowing stars. You hadn’t missed the look of surprise on their faces, especially Beomgyu’s as his eyes peered up at you from behind his cup.

Across the table, Taehyun looked up from his phone incessantly again and returned your smile. There was a warmth in his gaze, a silent reassurance that despite the fleeting nature of your encounters, the moment was one you both savored. It was in his eyes that you had found that shred of hope you desperately clung to like a kitten stuck up a tree.

As you continued to drink your coffee, you found yourself lost in thought, reflecting on the events of the previous night. Despite the uncertainty of what the future may hold, there's a sense of contentment in knowing that for this brief moment in time, you were exactly where you were meant to be.

The sun casted long shadows across the room as you sat together, lost in your own thoughts.

Taehyun had always felt like home, maybe it was the years you had spent getting to know each other and memorizing his most unnoticeable habits but you could never imagine a day going by without thinking of him.

Though you always knew that was love, it began to feel like a curse.

The peace was broken by the scratch of his chair against the floor, excusing himself from the table as he wordlessly made his way to the sink. The sound of cold coffee being poured down the drain had you swallowing as you watched him place his cup in there.

The air of familiarity he carried with himself in your apartment began to make you feel sick. He was your best friend yet when he was here, this place was almost like his second home.

With a quick ‘see you later’ and a gentle kiss to your forehead, he was off and suddenly you had lost your appetite.

Something that should feel so sweet, saved for the person you wanted to cherish so carefully instead felt like a mark of shame.

You were sure that he pitied you— that must have been it as any kind of affection outside of the bedroom began to feel like pity.

There were times where you had shared moments and everything felt right. Long before this arrangement began and you never spoke out loud of your admirations, his hands felt much more sure of their actions.

A part of you wanted to tell him not to bother coming back if he couldn’t admit that there was something— but that idea of giving up on him was somehow worse than pretending you were fine being just friends.

The first time you had broken up the arrangement, it proved difficult to remain friends. Knowing glances and brushing touches, it was hard to pretend he didn’t know you more intimately than anyone ever had.

The worst thing yet, your number would always belong to him. Buried somewhere deep in his missed calls, collecting dust, you knew that it would always be there. You could never bear to get rid of him.

Even with the amount of rust accumulated between the lines of communication, the memory of all the words exchanged seemed to keep them from ever being completely severed.

Once you had told him to leave you alone completely. Despite knowing that was the last thing you wanted, he decided to respect your wishes with a gentle kiss to your wrist and no goodbye. The worst thing about Taehyun would always be how gentle he was, how he always knew the right thing to do to hurt you so deeply.

Hurting you was never what he wanted, even if you could never understand that. Maybe your mind would try and convince you that it was true but in the end, he would always be a mystery.

Unsurprisingly, it had been you who broke that promise you begged him to keep as you contacted him through one of your friends. It wasn’t your proudest moment but with Kai being more than willing to help you rekindle your ‘friendship’, you couldn’t find it in yourself to refuse, even if it was selfish.

As happy as he was to hear from you, Taehyun felt much more concerned. These swings in your mood had become more and more frequent and he found himself a bit distressed. Despite the rational part of his brain wanting to pry and get you to admit the truth, he decided to let himself remain cautiously optomistic for the two of you.

You weren’t ever aware of Taehyun’s feelings for you, selfishly you were too wrapped up in your own mind and anxieties to ever notice.

The first time you had gotten a glance of how he felt was the first night you had found yourself in his bed since the silence. Lying on your stomach with your feet in the air, your eyes were glued to the tv as his hand found its’ way onto the back of your thigh, stilling your movements.

“You know I would have answered you, right?”

The sincerity in his tone had you furrowing your eyebrows in confusion, a pit growing in your stomach at the idea of another argument. Even while knowing he would never argue with you on purpose, you were unfortunately growing increasingly aware of your own ability to cause arguments.

“…Huh?” Hesitantly you pushed yourself up, turning towards him on your knees. His hand fell to the bed as you looked down at it, still extended toward you despite your skins new absence.

“Those months we stopped talking. You called me.”

The pit in your stomach tightened for a moment as the embarrassment hit you, your face heating up.

“I thought you deleted my number?” You asked, nervously reaching out for his hand. His touch was enough to comfort you.

“No matter how many times I erased you from my phone, I’d still recognize your number.”

A wide smile made its way onto his face and he let out a small laugh, seemingly growing shy. The slight purr behind his laugh had you smiling yourself as you moved closer.

“Yeah?”

“Of course, because it’s an extension of you.”

Even though there was nothing particularly romantic about that sentence, you found yourself unfortunately aware of just how in love with him you were and the growing possibility that maybe, he had felt something for you as well.

The series of twos and ones he grew to memorize like the dips of your waist and the curves of your hips, despite your minds’ constant attempts to remind you there was no feelings behind that memory game he seemed to play, you found yourself clinging to the idea that there was.

To you, memorization was the purest form of love.

Taehyun’s hands pressed into the small of your back was now something you would remember forever, similarly to the scent of the room you’d first met when the world seemed to tilt on its’ access.

Numbers that were reminiscent of two contented cats, curled together like a pair of speech marks.

It was that time of night where the city seemed to quiet down and all you heard were the chirping of bugs outside as you stared down at the table. A porcelain plate, its’ intricate designs only disgraced with a cold slice of half-eaten pie.

Despite wanting to, you couldn’t find it in yourself to eat the rest of it. All you could think about was how much better it had tasted when he was across from you.

The second time you had caught a glimpse of how he felt had also been the second time you had broken off the arrangement.

Your head fell into your hands with choked out sobs, a feeling a shame and disgust at the overwhelming feeling of love. Surely, that was the worst feeling among all.

The guilt was not even close to being able to combat the love you had for him.

Even with the pathetic show of distress you found yourself in, his hands broke you down as he pulled you into him gently.

“If I can never hold you or kiss you again, I can live with that.” He said.

The sentence alone broke your heart but even still, your grip on his shirt tightened as you buried your face into him deeper.

Too caught up in your sobs, you didn’t notice the shaky breath he let out before continuing, “but I can’t stand the idea of us not speaking again…”

You tried your best to calm your breathing, wishing that he would just say what you wanted to hear. After all of this time and distress, if he could just finally say it: everything would be okay.

That was what you convinced yourself, at least— blaming him was better than acknowledging the truth. It was both of your faults: you were both just too afraid.

“Can you at the very least, allow me that one thing? I never want to go back to the time before I met you.”

With that, his hands that seemed to break you down held you like water in his hands. The words felt healing, even knowing that you were slipping through the cracks.

Yet even with how painful you knew it would be— knowing you’ll never truly get over him, when you looked up to see the sadness for the first time in his own eyes, you agreed.

It wasn’t his fault, it could never be his fault because no matter how many times you said the arrangement wasn’t working: you were always the one who ran back to him.

After that night, it wasn’t long before you were calling him with mascara running down your face after crying over how you miss him or showing up outside his dorm with lipstick smudged from some drunk douchebag you couldn’t bother to remember the name of.

And with the hurt and concern in his eyes making you shiver under his gaze, you’d pull him in and his own heart would stop as the realization would hit him all over again of what he had started back then never truly stopped.

You wondered what would go through his mind if one day he had dialed your number to find it had been disconnected.

There were one too many times you’d considered the act, running away to some other city where you couldn’t run back to his arms. That self-destructive dance the two of you seemed to find yourself trapped in because being something was better than nothing.

You wondered if his imagination would race with thoughts of what new city you had run to and who was sharing your bed if not him.

Something that could be fixed with three words seemed so unsolvable to the two of you like a rubiks, refusing to make the next move due to fear of complicating it more.

Taehyun wasn’t one to make reckless decisions but when it came to you, he found himself regretting being too prideful to admit how he felt in the beginning.

When you agreed to be friends with benefits, he silently found himself clinging to the hope that you liked him as much as he had liked you, because regardless of what he had said: all he wanted was you.

Maybe if he had been honest about the relationship he wanted back then rather than trying to find some middle ground, you wouldn’t have grown to feel he was disingenuous.

Similarly to how Taehyun changed what was yours, you had taught him how much of your lives were interchangeable, how little was truly his as well.

Not only someone else’s— your ring tone, his songs, your words, his proposition and your broken heart. Those were the things you inherited by choice or by chance.

And it was never your choice to love the other.

So until one of you gains the courage to break the cycle of yearning in silence or impossibly falls out of love between the sheets, you’ve agreed to drink your coffee in the mornings and allow the other to break your heart once more.

જ⁀➴♡ phone in ᝰ.ᐟ