When Will You Start Looking Out For Me Too? Instead Of Leaving Me Staring At My Shoes.

When will you start looking out for me too? Instead of leaving me staring at my shoes.

Looking out for you - Joy again, 2015

It’s been a rough couple of days. So many and yet no emotions at all. I miss you. I messed up.

I hate how you bring her up. You say you feel love towards me. Much different than when you were with her. You liked her. But you love me. It doesn’t feel that way. You bring her up every now and then. At first it didn’t bother me. I liked the feeling that you chose me after. But then you told me the experiences you have had together. Something stirred inside me. It’s dark and bitter. It grows every time you mention her. The idea that we’ve barely had time to hang out with each other because of this stupid stupid lockdown and that you’ve experienced other things with her... I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT

 I HATE IT.

I cancel out all the noise in my head with heavy music. Music I’ll never show you so that I’ll love it forever. How dare I tear down my own heart for you? How dare I remove every barrier for you and every wall and tell you everything I’ve wanted to hear? How dare I let that warm feeling spread all through out me and take over my logic. How dare I pour my heart and soul into complimenting you and all I get is “pretty”. How could I. How could I fail myself. How could I still want to spend every minute with you? How can I still want to see your face and send selfies to hope to get complimented by you? How can I still want to drop little hints of my interests and stories in hope to interest you and to finally explain to someone my favorite characters? But they don’t. You don’t ask questions about me, how I’m doing. Everything feels one sided. Like I put in most of the effort. Maybe I want to be told that I’m special. That I matter. 

But now I lay back and drown out everything. I’ll take all my feelings in my chest and quietly organize them in a box. I’ll store it in the back of my mind beneath my worst memories. I’ll never bring them back. 

Tell me that the answer's right;

God are you awake at night?

WHAT IS UP MY DUDE, it is NO LONGER SAD BOI HOURS please ignore my rants

To all my followers

Hi??? It’s wild that 25 of y’all decided to follow me and I’d like to know you all?? If that’s not creepy (Please don’t let it sound weird) but yk it be rad to know you all or post a Q or something

Alright i’m getting awkward bye y’all!

My head is empty. It just simply carries the colors of melodies and tunes I've heard over the years. There is no need to memorize countless species of birds and extraordinary book plots. It is wasteful to have painting techniques and poetry inside my brain. I do not need to remember what the ocean air tastes like. I do not need to remember why I fell in love with the sky.  There should not be any space wasted for stars and empathy. My imagination should not dictate my life choices. I am better off studying my textbooks and throwing up the information on to a page.  But what is life without color?

Little poems, 2:39 pm