Doubt

Doubt

I doubt myself. All the time. I over analyze every decision I make and expect the worst possible outcome. I never predict perfection or even that something will work out properly. Majority of the time it doesn't. There were a few times where doubt has held me back, where the fear of inadequacy was abundant to the point where it inhibited my determination. I beat myself before I even attempt. You could see this as a resolution but it's just another promise to myself on a coincidentally sentimental day for others. Here it goes:

I promise this year I will fuck up.

This will not be smooth sailing.

I will feel lower than usual when an attempt fails.

This will all come from the fact that I at least tried.

I tried and failed.

I tried and won.

I tried and did not lose or fail, just came out OK.

But in the end I will walk away, not with another 'what if' but with the very notion that at least I tried. I promise I will end every day replacing 'what if I' with 'at least I know.'

Cheers to another midnight, another sunrise, another day, another chance at getting better.

This is why you should never, ever get your hopes up. This is why you should see the glass as half empty. So when the whole thing spills, you aren’t as devastated.

Emily Giffin, Something Borrowed (via justanothermugglegirl)

Tension clung to every uncertain statement I made as it drifted into the air and hung heavy over our heads. I felt I needed to make the final decision. But this was no easy feat. No longer was there a strong dividing border between love or hate nor was there a threshold determining whether I leave or stay.

So I left it to chance.

I placed the coin directly on my thumb; heads to stay, tails to go. This was not a determining factor but as a revelation. When one leaves their fate up to chance they are presented with a decision which they either agree or disagree with. Much like when you toss a coin. Each side is given a meaning and in that one moment when it is in the air each turn of the coin obliterates the clouds and clears the uncertainty. Finally, as your vision is clear yet your control is gone you find yourself desperately fighting for heads or tails.

Dissonance

I was speaking to a friend who is suffering from the 'best friend' syndrome. He is hopelessly in love with his best friend who is in a committed relationship. I've never been in that specific situation but I can emphasize with the idea of wanting who you cannot have. It sucks. It hurts. It bleeds out your heart with the drops staining a wall between you and your beloved. But as he continued on my understanding and patience started wearing thin.There were quotes such as:

"She never sees what I do for her."

"I would drop everything and do anything for her."

"She doesn't appreciate it."

"Why doesn't she see how much I love her?"

And then: "I always do way more for her than she will ever do for me."

I know for a fact that is not true. She deeply cares for him, spent late nights studying with him, blew off dates with her boyfriend to see him and even visited him at college which is a long bus +train ride away. I'd say it's a fairly equal relationship in terms of acts and yet the differences between her feelings and his causes him to lash out at her for absolutely no reason. Are you serious? This girl loves him. Boys, I don't know if you know this but with the cattiness that goes on between girls a boys friendship is valued extremely. But now I start to wonder whether he cares about the relationship at all because it surely is damn important to her. A girl gives all she can and it's never enough. She is still expected to reimburse his seemingly superior efforts with the love he desires. Why is it in these situations the girl is still seen as the wrongdoer or the one at fault? There's always this idea that if she's not with her best friend she's not truly happy because he's not happy. Why can't she find true happiness with someone else while still cherishing a perfect friendship? It's just unfair to both of them that her acts go unseen while he misses out on a truly great friendship. He should honestly just leave because his expectations will never be met and if he can't be happy for her he's not a friend.

I want to be a muse, inspire great work and not have to break a damn heart to do it.

I want a kiss every midnight, not just tonight.

I want to disappear to see if my absence concerns anyone.

I want to climb onto a ledge to see who would care enough to talk me down.

I want to plan my own funeral to see who would show up.

I want to hear how wrong the eulogy would be.

I want to be in the coffin to hear all the twisted secrets people confess to the dead.

I want to know if this existence matters enough to anyone who doesn't feel obligated to love me.

weruintooeasy:

Of all the things I should’ve said, That I never said. All the things we should’ve done, That we never did. All the things I should’ve given, But I didn’t.

Oh, darling, make it go, Make it go away. - This Woman’s Work (Kate Bush Cover ) by Maxwell (Unplugged)