Thecornerofmyeye:

thecornerofmyeye:

whisperedverse

Regardless of how bright people think my star shines I will always see the vast darkness before me.

I spill my tears as the blood seeps through my heart and stains my existence with pain and heartache. This sort of agony is unprecedented within the confines of my reality and feels as though I should clean the stains by extinguishing its source completely. I search for signs of opposition against my own suicidal ideals but sadly I cannot bear another day drenched with the knowledge that the pain has yet to reach its climax.

And then for once I open my eyes and see the walking shells around me as much more than just auto-piloted props within my own staged production. They each have their own stories encased within their bodies, stories of tragedy, of loss, of heartache of betrayal. Each tale contains excruciating pain with the likes of which I can never even begin to imagine. No longer does my pain become a superior source of exotic anguish. Instead it is just another drop in the ocean of tears shed by many in this expansive time line of life. Everyone suffers but they also accept it and survive. There is not one person who has endured more than his fellow man or suffered more than the next. Everyone suffers and maybe there is selfish comfort in knowing that within the billions of people on this earth there is someone who parallels your pain with a similar experience who also contains a heart beat signifying their survival through it all.

"once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." - Velveteeen Rabbit

Velveteen Rabbit was by for the most treasured gem I had found in the very first bookshelf in my house. Honestly, the thing appeared out of nowhere. (Not literally, the bookshelf didn't just pop into my bedroom. I came from school when I was 4 and it was just...there.) So when I learned how to actually read and stopped pretending to say words in place of the actual words on the page (*side note: I used to look at the pictures and make up stories because I was pretty awesome with my imagination and my bowl cut) Velveteen rabbit was the first story I read.

I just thought it was pretty awesome because "ooo look mom, the rabbit's a real rabbit now." I had no idea what Scarlet Fever was or what the hell burning toys would do to solve it. Honestly, these are 4 year olds reading the story not medical students. ...I'm going off on a tangent that completely deviates from the story.

Well instead of erasing that anecdote I'll just continue a new paragraph. I'm not going to explain the story and if you haven't read it then you missed out on a childhood. But that story resonates with me so much more than I ever thought it could, more so than Dr.Seuss and his "be who you are whoever that may be because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" bit. I've realized that life will continually beat you up, just beat the shit out of your heart and if it doesn't than you're not living it right. But regardless of how many idiosyncrasies and scars you come out of it with, both real and fake, you will always be loved by those who truly understand you. When you genuinely suffer you've accepted the beauty of life and it's ability to let you live. Those who have lived life with you will just see you as a reminder of how many amazing things you've been able to overcome. The strongest people are the one's who bleed, who tear up, who are strong enough to break down in order to re-build. And when you move on and live your life as a real person those who were once characters of your past will see you as much more beautiful than the former shell you were. 

*Imagine how freaked out my mom would've been if I came up with that analogy at 4. Yeah no, instead I made up a story about a rabbit, some woods and a really evil, creepy doctor.

Bring me back into your reality

I love you, I do. I want to stay but your heart has moved. No longer does it reside within the deep fissures of my existence, feeding off the love my heart provides. Instead you linger, adrift within your own reality as I wait steadily, like a rock praying and hoping that gravity makes you aware of my existence. I watch as your indifference carries you through the redundancy of our once loving encounters. A light peck on the cheek which once encased all of your affection is now replaced with nothing but obligation and habit. I watch you float further and further off within your own routine taking your love with you and I can do nothing but stare as my heart floods out profusely with no dam to contain it. The rapids burst through barriers destroying the body and soul which harnesses it as it looks for something to hold it, contain it, need it. Alas there is nothing but drifting time in an aloof entity clinging to the heavy tension within the constraints of our affair. It no longer has meaning. But my heart still yearns for you, anxiously awaiting your arrival back into our coexistence. Yet it’s all beginning to slip and I’m afraid my perseverance and patience is withering away. My strength lies within you. The bit off hope which still retains my sanity is your lack of dismissal. However, I do believe it’s of no importance to you any longer. Stay, go, it would make no difference in the crevice you have isolated yourself into. My very fear does not lie with the words you may use to shatter me. It lies within the lack of protest when I decide to leave for that would be the one true signal that you have finally wiped my importance-my existence-out of your reality.

weruintooeasy:

Of all the things I should’ve said, That I never said. All the things we should’ve done, That we never did. All the things I should’ve given, But I didn’t.

Oh, darling, make it go, Make it go away. - This Woman’s Work (Kate Bush Cover ) by Maxwell (Unplugged)