I Feel So Dumb. Why The Hell Is This Shit Not Being Processed And Understood In My Brain?????? I Know

I feel so dumb. Why the hell is this shit not being processed and understood in my brain?????? I know I'm generally dumb but being good in studies was what little pride I had left. Gosh I don't like being stupid. Yes I admit I get bored from being successful and getting good grades all the time but failure could and WILL ruin me. I give up easily and have a very weak will. I can't afford to lose the only thing I'm good at.

Being lonely sucks. But I shouldn't feel this way because God is always there for me. I swear I don't doubt God one bit and I know He is the only one I can depend on. But sometimes I need real life support. But that's useless because they're temporary. But I don't know how to do this. I fuck up so much, make so many mistakes, and REPEAT them a gazillion times. And some sins, I've gone waaay past the guilt stage that its become a necessity in my life. I know exactly what I'm doing wrong and what I need to do to change. But I don't have the will. For some reason going to hell isn't that frightening. I mean I know its an unimaginable punishment but honestly I can't bring myself to care. I never wanted to exist or be a part of this. I know no one did. But its so hard... It's so hard to live ... So hell doesn't sound so bad because living sucks anyways. This whole game sucks. Why did He make it so hard to be what He wants. I mean I know its only hard because I made it this way for myself. So I don't know... I don't know what to do to be honest...

People depress me. I don't like being alone but I fucking hate spending even a second with people that irritate me. Why the fuck must I tolerate them???? But then with the people I love spending time with, I'm always afraid they think the same thing that I think about. Like they tolerate me, but deep down find me so annoying (and honestly I don't blame them. I could be really fucking annoying sometimes I shock myself even)

“Guilt of your sin will make you NOT want to pray for forgiveness. Thats how Satan kills two birds with one stone.”

— marsblackmon101

Unhealthy Obsession

In a world so dark

My desires spark

First my mind,

Then my eyes,

And last my hand

The magic wand

That sends me into a frenzy

My eyes turn hazy

Tears mix with pleasure

Hands no longer used for leisure

But a tool to scrape all the filth I feel

I scream in silence

To my creator I kneel

I beg for forgiveness

Knowing its useless

For I will do it again

And again and again and again

And each time I'll cry

My eyeballs I will wish to pry

My hands I would want to chop off

At my pathetic existence I scoff

To my creator I would question

The reason for this unhealthy obsession

Where exactly did I go wrong?

And where must I go to make it right?

“I’m stuck in a revolving door world of everything everyone wants me to be.”

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