A Short Piece On Cal And The Quote That Broke My Heart. (Ep 1-108 Spoilers) (CW For Queer Trauma)

A Short Piece On Cal and the Quote That Broke My Heart. (Ep 1-108 Spoilers) (CW for queer trauma)

The only context you will need is that Cecil's brother comes to visit him and in the process Cecil enters into another reality closer to ours in terms of ideology.

Up until Cal, you've spent over 100 episode with Cecil Palmer. You hear him be unapologetically himself. You hear him unapologetically fall in love and finally unapologetically get married to that man.

Welcome to Nightvale is what I would describe as an idealistic queer society. This does not mean the society in itself is 'Idealistic'. That's hardly how I would describe the horrors that sweep Nightvale on the frequent. No, what I mean is that this is a world, or at the least a town, where queer isn't even in its people's vocabulary. At no point does WTNV ever use the word 'Gay'. People fall in love and people exist as themselves without needing to explain. That is an idealistic queer society.

And then you reach episode 108, Cal. I first listened to nightvale a couple years back. In fact I believe I have only listened to this episode once. And one quote from it has stuck with me ever since. Not because it was particularly dramatic, mind you. In fact, what hit me about it was the complete opposite. Because Welcome to Nightvale broke my heart with an internal monologue that is almost mundane to us queer listeners. Cecil anecdotes about a conversation he has with his brother in this other reality where his brother asks him if he has a girlfriend yet and Cecil recounts thinking this:

"In my life with Cal, I had never told him I would never have a girlfriend. In Night Vale, no one cared either way, but I felt like Cal would have. In this other reality, I was single, so I only said “No.” "

After over a hundred episodes of escapist queer joy, you hear Cecil, a man who has lived his life being able to just exist, feel shame. A deep seated shame conditioned into every queer person. Every time you are told things are getting better when you complain that things are still bad. Every time you are made to feel like you are unworthy of love or only worthy of suffering. No matter how confident. That trauma. That deep deep shame remains.

It is a systemic shame not found in these idealistic societies. 

It's a reality check of an episode, that although intentional or not, lets you feel everything you've been conditioned to suppress. I cried for Cecil and I cried for myself. Because realising how much this character I loved didn't deserve to feel that way about who he was made it hit me how much I, as a queer person, also do not deserve to feel that way. My empathy for him reflected back upon myself and I was heartbroken.

My heart broke for a character's suffering that is just my everyday reality.

In my opinion it's one thing for a piece of media to show you your suffering; it's a whole other thing for it to make you truly feel like you don't deserve it.

I feel like people need to start forming their own opinions and coming at things from a different angle.

A lot of things are perceived as only agendas rather than people taking the time to actually analyse what it is, if that makes sense.

An example is neo-pronouns. People will act as if neos are some queer agenda that is a product of dramatic youth and the doom of our society or something along those lines. Or in contrast that they represent people's freedoms and that people should be allowed to use them if they want.

But you barely ever see anyone talking about how fascinating it is to, in real time, see this new layer of individualised linguistics getting introduced. We are witnessing language in its ever changing state and I, personally, love it.

Come at things from a different angle for once. Don't listen to what everyone else is saying and properly think about things for what they are. And appreciate them if they are new and/or they are interesting.

how can you not be angry

Labels, Asexuality, Aromanticism and Headcanon.

I need to just get this off my chest because it's a common trend I've noticed in a couple fandoms I'm in and I think it needs to be discussed. Of course I'm open to discussion on this. There's a chance I'm wrong.

Something about the way fandom treats s/x repulsed characters in media just sits with me bad. In multiple fandoms I've been in now, I've witnessed a clearly stated canonically s/x repulsed asexual character be put into 'intimate' situations under guise of a 's/x positive' interpretation. What bothers me, personally, is that these characters don't and would never. One example is with Jonathan Sims from The Magnus Archives. I have accidentally stumbled across explicit fics involving him before that are tagged 's/x positive asexual Jonathan Sims'. But the thing about him is that at no point in the podcast is he even mentioned to be asexual. In fact, the information you get about him is actually that he simply doesn't. That is all you know, that he doesn't, ever. And yet, due to the nuances of the asexual label and the fact that that description of Jon technically puts him under it, folks have been using those technicalities to put him into scenarios he never would enter into. As much as I hate to say it, it almost feels like there's a sort of s/x repulsed asexual erasure going on within the aspec community. And for context, this is coming from an aspec who is positive about that kind of intimacy. This is not just limited to asexuality either. I've also witnessed this happening to aromantic characters with fandom putting them in 'queer platonic relationships' that read as romantic ones. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a platonic pairing, in fact, I'm all for it. But time and time again I see sappy art with blushing or otherwise romantic undertones and I feel... just sort of weird about it. I understand where this all comes from. People have a desire to see themselves in characters and I respect that. But you can do that without the erasure of both asexuals and aromatics that simply do not. When it comes to being aro and/or ace, I recognise that, I, as someone who, although aspec, is still is open to relationships and 'intimacy', am far less scrutinised for it by society than those who aren't. And although sadly there is barely any representation in media for the kind of aspec I am, it doesn't mean that it feels okay to erase other asexual identities and their representation in the process. Summary: So this is all to say. It personally makes me uncomfortable when I see Repulsed Asexual and Aromatic characters turned pseudo-s/xual and romantic by the fans through the use of Label Nuances and Technicalities. (Note: This is not intended to be an attack on anyone personally. I simply think it's a much needed to be discussed topic that I've noticed happening more and more recently) On a more positive note: For anyone looking for aspec representation that involves a character who loves the idea of romance and has experienced giddy feelings in the past but comes to the realisation they might be aromantic through the help of an aroace friend, go listen to The Penumbra Podcast season 4 episode 'Rita Minute 4: 4Ever Love'. I've never felt so seen in terms of my sexuality before. It's an underrated gem of an aspec central minisode.

obsessed with stories that start out silly and stupid and then turn out to be deep and heartbreaking in their beauty. like okay, make me cry at midnight while i reflect on the true meaning of friendship i guess

So are we just going to ignore the fact that the logo of magnus archives is a literal tape in a web like that doesn't elude to the entire spider and eye plot twist...

how tf did I only just realise that??