You Know That Feeling Where You're Eyes Are Burning, And You Can't Focus On Anything Because You're So

You know that feeling where you're eyes are burning, and you can't focus on anything because you're so exhausted, but your body is wired and so pumped up with cortisol and dread that you can barely sit let alone actually sleep?

I felt like that for 10 years straight.

So, I’m worried about the type of person I am becoming.

After my initial twinge of sympathy at his plight with the motorcycle, I felt... nothing.  No sympathy, no emotional surge, no vindication.. just nothing.  I’m not rubbing my hands together with glee, but

As much as he is not deserving of my compassion, it worries me that I didn’t have any to give him.  I don’t want to be that person.

Oopsie.

You know when you know something is a bad idea, but you do it anyways?

Have any of you figured out how to curb that yet?

I think she just grasped that there's a REALLY long way to go.

Therapist: Ok, I think we can try to tweak how you speak to yourself and shine some light in the dark. How do you feel when you get dressed up? You know, make up, cute outfit, that sort of thing...

Me: eeeeeee *laughs*

Therapist: ... That bad?

Me: "Wow, make up can't even help this. Look at what you have done to yourself. You should cover the mirrors in the house. You are a disgrace and disgusting and you're never going to come back from this. You're ugly, and you're going to be ugly for the rest of your life now. You have no value, slob."

Therapist: Holy shiiiiiit....

I was not allowed to be better than him at anything. Except household tasks that he didn't want to do, of course.

I'll give you a silly example. I worked in service all the way through university and in my early 20s. I used a cash register often, and I got quick at counting money.

When we were doing our finances, sometimes we would pay cash for things.  He would lay money out on the floor like a child and count everything.  Then he would ask me to check his count.  I would flip through 20s in an 8th of the time it took him to count them.  I did this every day; of course I was fast at it.

The world ended if I found he had made a mistake, but he didn’t trust my counting at that speed, even when I confirmed his results. He made me count bills at the same speed he counted them.  My 4 year old cousin could keep up.

It sounds so silly, but he mocked my skills and capitalistic “worth” so often that not having his confidence in THIS, even, was frustrating and soul crushing.

The air around me is lighter without his presence.

Rewarding and Challenging.

This job is exhausting.

I have spent multiple nights up until 2am planning, finding just the right exercises, wondering when a video would help and if they're understanding the content I'm showing them, worrying if the questions I've prepared to test their understanding are fair, questioning if I'm working too hard on grammar or not hard enough, stressing out over if they actually understand why/how we use modals, does the vocab I send them for reference actually increase their vocab recognition, are they overwhelmed or are they feeling unchallenged, am I helping, for the love of fuck am I helping?

My mother warned me about this.