Dream-wrecker-blog - Words Are But A Dream

Happy Ostara!

Today we reap when we created during Imbolc.

Spend time with nature.

Bask in the sun.

Be present, be kind, be blessed.

I whole heartedly believe in this.

Psychology Daily - Quotes

Dear Diary #5

On a much lighter note. I have to say that I love myself, even more than I thought I could ever could. I was at work. Rushing to the bathroom because well I have been hydrating like theres no other. Being in the service. I have to say fitness is key and well I have been slacking. And now I'm getting bak on tract. So It have been drinking. A shit ton of water every day. Well, I look too dame good..

I've always been relatively thin! Hungry looking, as I jokingly say now a days. So I'll just SSAYY... with quotations "Thin." Because now! I'm not, but I use to be. At 24 I use to be 150 pounds. Currently I'm close to 260. I find that to be some what of an achievement because I never thought I was going to make it. Make it as in, alive.

I was on Columbia University campus. In the religious hall. Where one of the professors have taken a kindness to me. He began to mentor me. In the beginning stages of him mentoring me. He kept asking me critical thinking questions. At that time, I have never, ever been more annoyed with someone in my entire life.

The question was. "How do you see yourself living in a few years?"

To be honest, I did't know how to answer him. From the age of 16 - 24 I have to say I was literally left. In the wild I go, to figure out life. Drifting back and forth between NJ and New York. Trying to find my footing. Only too later on find a guy I though I could have spent the rest of my life with. Albiet that's a story for another time. My mentor's other question was! "What do you see yourself doing in the next few years?" This question was very challenging for me. Because I had absolutely no clue as how to effetely answer him.

Then he became more and more specific..... After seeing the lack of light in my eyes. He said out loud. "Do you even see yourself living"? Without hesitation I said "No!" When I answered. I was speaking metaphorically and maybe, just maybe, literally. I never thought about the value of my life. Because I was left to wonder the world or city streets of Manhattan.

It's moments like this that I like to reflect on because I am better than I was all those years ago. I have a stronger sense of self worth and a better sense of awareness in myself. And how I'm going to achieve what I'm going to achieve. I'm happier and heavier than I have been in a very long time. I'm no longer hungry and broke. I'ma chunky monkey that's stable. If I could I would love, love, love to say thank you to all the men who took the time to say what they had to say to me. To make me aware of what I was and was not doing. These were amazing and beautiful Black men.

On all of my moments of refection. I have to say that This, that moment was when I woke up. That I had something going on with me. With me Being a follower of Baccus in his non roman form. And quite literally being next to a statue of a Satyr. NO! Dionysus is not a satyr. It would correctly be closer to Pan. But! this statue gave me more of a Dionysus vibe at that time in my life. Quick tangent. I like him because I relate to how beautiful his spoken about in the stories. and how he was loved. How he lived in freedom. To me! How could I not want to be around an energy that gave that level of carelessness. Now a days. I'm a lot more of an Orisha man. But! I do love my Greco-Romans.

I'm not to sure how many people can say they can point out the moment where there life have taken a turn for the better. But to me I believe that that day in those moments. In that hour, of being questioned. I realized there's a lot more to life than existing.

Thank you Tumbler Diary for reading my words and taking my thoughts into your head.

In the last few months things have been more abnormal, than normal for me. It’s pretty interesting to say that I find myself operating at a level of chaos that I shouldn’t be. Hectic situations are like being able to see the sun clearly. Where others only see purple storm clouds. I have always been grown. My youth was stolen from me. Ripped from the cage in my chest that holds my little beating heart. The adults around me forged a weapon against one another fom my little remains. Mother and child against father with son. Kin against kin.

Since the age of 7 years, adults have questioned me! Told me! Volun-told me what I should think and what I should do.

From there I was told how I should feel about my mother and ill fitting she was. And I was told about how much a loser my father was. Nothing, was fair for me. No experience of greatness thrusted for me to experiment of what I had come from. Only what I supposedly lacked.

By the ones we call family. On both sides, are the ones that create situations that ultimately have nothing to do with them. It’s always when the shoe is placed on the other foot they see how it feels.. …With no regret, I practice my bitch craft and I practice it fiercely. No hold bars. And anyone can catch a sift blade of my palatial sword. Burn from my relentless gaze.

I. Still angry because no one want to hear me speak. Vent, let out all of that anger. Tell my truth. I need to have the. Own up to what they have done. Admit that you were wrong and that I cost me emotionally type venting. In the end everything feels as it doesn’t matter because I was not planned more wanted in the first place. The shadows of there faces linger on my thought because I have been on my own for a very long while. I have been creating my own families. And still nothing ever compares. In one way or another I am, in the subtlest of ways. Reminded of my place in these places. In these groups, in these homes. I think that I will feel at ease. And at home, when I create my own organic family. Find my partner. Build a home. Create a stable life. And have babies.

I think that I’m ready to do this and never look back at those who I have come from. To never let my children and partner know what foolery, ignorance and contemptuous people that I birth from. “Now Is the time. Now is the hour. Now is the magic. Now is the power!”

Dear Diary #1

 Today os the day that I realize, that I have to stop being loyal to others. And become what this country wants me to be. A selfish entitled bitch who... Emotionally manipulates people. Because when you are.. honest, patient and understanding..... Things just seems to go sooo far left. You're hanging off of a cliff from by the tags of your clothes. Bent over. And all you can do is taste the water of the ocean, flowing up at you. 

Recently a woman who I though was a very close and dear friend has hurt my mother fucking feelings for the last time.  I now have realized I have or will have had a toxic trait. I unknowably “enable people”. I thought I was not a YES man!!!!! But! by not allowing people to move on out of their emotions. Not allowing them to try something different or! Become a simpler better version of themselves. You enable them to be the ship wreck they are. I use to validate there feelings and show understanding. I use to show them that they had a person who will make them feel seen and make them feel heard. Or actually be heard. 

The only thing that I realize I have managed to do is enable adults to truly not out grow their situations and feel that it is okay to stay stuck and bitch about it. all the while. I really thought I was being a good friend. A good and genuine person. I now realize that this is a relative thing. everything is truly relative. I cannot believe this!!! I cannot believe that I’m flawed. 

One thing you need to know about me, peering eyes. Is that in my opinion I think  everyone see’s themself in a non flawed state. I think people choose to see the best of who they are personally. I’m talking about personality. I have as long as I can remember in my adult life, try, tried! to be. Open and honest. Respectful and objective. And NO! I have not been. I have failed at this. 

The situation that I’m in is crazy. And all that I was trying to do was help. Help a close friend who I thought was moving into a family category. For GOD sake I actually thought of this person as family. I tend to mind my business. At least I usually do! And help where and when I can. I took on the responsibility of sheltering her adult child when he was in need of assistance. He’s 18 and pushing 19. He was being dense as all hell and found himself in danger.

 Being naive, He allowed someone to go to his connections house to get some weed. The guy apparently  was deeper into something that anyone would have thought. The person who approached her adult child asked to be linked up with some smoke and her son asked the dealer. The dealer approved! As her son was doing child like things. Playing video games and talking to girls. The dealer was being robbed. And heavily assaulted. Now! to sum this up because I’m getting off point and I have to get back from break. He’s on the “run” and he’s been linked up with me for a while....... To Be Continued!