Dear Diary #5

Dear Diary #5

On a much lighter note. I have to say that I love myself, even more than I thought I could ever could. I was at work. Rushing to the bathroom because well I have been hydrating like theres no other. Being in the service. I have to say fitness is key and well I have been slacking. And now I'm getting bak on tract. So It have been drinking. A shit ton of water every day. Well, I look too dame good..

I've always been relatively thin! Hungry looking, as I jokingly say now a days. So I'll just SSAYY... with quotations "Thin." Because now! I'm not, but I use to be. At 24 I use to be 150 pounds. Currently I'm close to 260. I find that to be some what of an achievement because I never thought I was going to make it. Make it as in, alive.

I was on Columbia University campus. In the religious hall. Where one of the professors have taken a kindness to me. He began to mentor me. In the beginning stages of him mentoring me. He kept asking me critical thinking questions. At that time, I have never, ever been more annoyed with someone in my entire life.

The question was. "How do you see yourself living in a few years?"

To be honest, I did't know how to answer him. From the age of 16 - 24 I have to say I was literally left. In the wild I go, to figure out life. Drifting back and forth between NJ and New York. Trying to find my footing. Only too later on find a guy I though I could have spent the rest of my life with. Albiet that's a story for another time. My mentor's other question was! "What do you see yourself doing in the next few years?" This question was very challenging for me. Because I had absolutely no clue as how to effetely answer him.

Then he became more and more specific..... After seeing the lack of light in my eyes. He said out loud. "Do you even see yourself living"? Without hesitation I said "No!" When I answered. I was speaking metaphorically and maybe, just maybe, literally. I never thought about the value of my life. Because I was left to wonder the world or city streets of Manhattan.

It's moments like this that I like to reflect on because I am better than I was all those years ago. I have a stronger sense of self worth and a better sense of awareness in myself. And how I'm going to achieve what I'm going to achieve. I'm happier and heavier than I have been in a very long time. I'm no longer hungry and broke. I'ma chunky monkey that's stable. If I could I would love, love, love to say thank you to all the men who took the time to say what they had to say to me. To make me aware of what I was and was not doing. These were amazing and beautiful Black men.

On all of my moments of refection. I have to say that This, that moment was when I woke up. That I had something going on with me. With me Being a follower of Baccus in his non roman form. And quite literally being next to a statue of a Satyr. NO! Dionysus is not a satyr. It would correctly be closer to Pan. But! this statue gave me more of a Dionysus vibe at that time in my life. Quick tangent. I like him because I relate to how beautiful his spoken about in the stories. and how he was loved. How he lived in freedom. To me! How could I not want to be around an energy that gave that level of carelessness. Now a days. I'm a lot more of an Orisha man. But! I do love my Greco-Romans.

I'm not to sure how many people can say they can point out the moment where there life have taken a turn for the better. But to me I believe that that day in those moments. In that hour, of being questioned. I realized there's a lot more to life than existing.

Thank you Tumbler Diary for reading my words and taking my thoughts into your head.

Although this is not mine. And I’m usually not! Political I agree.

Hey everyone.

So, I might lose followers for this because I'm a writing blog and I don't get personal, but I am going to.

Now I want to make it clear I know it's none of my followers because you're all wonderful caring people 💕 but I want to just vent here because something very real is going on.

What's happening in Ukraine is not a joke.

I've seen so many tiktoks yesterday and today making a joke about it. War is not a joke. Real people are dying. Real people are losing family members. Real people are in pain.

My country is part of Europe and is getting involved, other countries in Europe are and NATO. This is very real and not a joke!

Stop calling Putin daddy.

Stop using AOT eren as Putin or Boris J for the rumbling.

Stop saying it's fake.

Stop doing skits.

Stop asking to turn people's screams and the bobs into ringtones.

Just stop.

People are losing their lives and that is not a chance for you to get on trending! People dying is not a joke. Your jokes are stopping people from seeing the real news, you're stopping people from seeing what's happening, you're stopping those suffering in Ukraine from showing videos of what is happening, you're stopping the vids showing of brave protestors in Russia. Your trending and jokes over shadow the real important things going on.

Instead of making a joke, reach out to your government and push them to put extreme sanctions on. Boost any Ukraine persons posts!

War is not a joke.

**Also, don't attack Russian people verbally about this. This war was not their choice. Their leader wanted this, not them.

Sorry for my rant everyone. As I said, I know it's no one here, but I had to say it. If you see anyone making a joke on this matter educate them on how real it is. Report videos that turn it into a joke. I love you all and to my followers in Europe, please stay safe ❤️

Dear Tumbler Diary #4.

This drill weekend has brought forth so much opportunity. I’m great full. That the Gods have answered my prayers. Fun fact about me! I’m not Christian. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I say it jokingly but! I’m not! I’m a worshiper of the 7 AFRICAN POWERS. And Eleggua has heard my prayers. And has been intending to my thoughts. My thoughts of these past weeks were. “ What the fuck! Am I going to do!?” You see I’m a soldier, a warrior. And no I’m not tooting my own horn. It’s modernized. but! Yes, I’m down to fight for all that jazz and glamour of being here in this country. I have no issues with her. Her being Bitch America.

For she birth me and my ways of thinking. IF you haven’t read most of. My post already. i have mommy issue. I can’t seem to trust them. They always seem to fail me one way or another. With all this being said. I actually love what I do. I love being close with people who get what it’s like. The likeness of having a purpose to do! The likeness of to help and to protect and to have purpose. I know were all complicated people qt the end of the day. Even when we think that were not. We are!

America and her 2nd son Big army has employed me to do a job of helping people. Helping direct them int he direction they need to be in, in order to get the vaccine and other covid related things. I was on Covid mission for a few months an made a very pretty penny. Since then I have now a beautiful living space and a nice car to call my own. with all of this, has come a bit of an extra serving of money. Money that America and dear Uncle Sam have accidentally given me. $3,000.00 Now! I have to put that back.. Ohh wait sorry, wrong version! There taking it back and blindsidingly so!

Two months ago. I had to go to drill and I was gone for 54 whole days. In army money that makes up a big chunk of money. Money that adds onto the next week for me. So! What they givth they Takith a way. My check at that time was very close to $900.00 and they only have me $200. When usually I get $600.00 from my other job. I hate to say it like this but! What the fuck am I going o do wit $200.00 THIS SHIT BLEW MINE. Not to mention. All of my big boy bills ar will over $500.00 so i started to delay my funds. Take from one to put to another. This Fuckery of my supposed favorite Uncle. With my housing and check and all other things pushed back by two weeks. I begun to freak out and shut down. To where I watch reruns of Grey’s anatomy and analyze the faces of the actors. “ Then questions “What did I ever see in this ep” to believe in the acting? Or! I try to sleep and cant, then I have to wake up fully just to start my day.

You see I use to be a Drifter… A male Gypsy. Floating from couch to couch. Now with a place all of my own. I felt free I felt liberated. I felt or feel like I can o anything that I want to do. I NO longer feel like I’m bound by the social rules of being polite. Of feeling like if I don’t that I’ll lose out. I don’t call it fake. i call it being in survive mode. A mode that i do not like to be in.

Dear Diary#3

This is the part 2 of what it is like. I new that he was talking shit bout me to those who “ care “ about him.

HOw am I suppose to feel about any of this. What are the appropriate thoughts I should have? What do I get out of this?

The child I had an hand in, in raising. In influencing, In shaping has sooo much to say when I give options to rectify. When I was addressed by the adults. All I heard was excuses.

I’m so glad That I’m able to feel as free as I want to be now. Now that he is leaving my house I can feel the calm that came before this man made storm. I brought this on to myself because I though that this guy was worth it. You see, people bring up the fact that he’s 18. But! When things are supposed to go his way, he’s a man and should have the liberties to do what it is that he wants to do.

To me! That Is straight bull shit. Yes I was on my own. A lot more than he was. He was sheltered more than me. But! This is the way the world is operating. I’m doing what I would call a merciful crulty. Although to me it’s not cruel. But if you aren’t me and do not know what It is that I know. You’ll see I’m being truly kind. This to me makes me feel Iike I’m Thano’s in the MCU. Where everyone thought he was the bad guy by how he went about his business. No! I’m not killing anyone . BUt! I am being hard on the young man because. All he knows is comfort. What happens to a man in the real world who only knows comfort. He becomes another mans bitch! Or even a woman’s bitch! And with that. Too be a woman’s bitch, to me, is worse! Because, most of all, women that is, have expressed. That’s not what they want. Not what they Value. Not what they, most..... importantly respect!!!

If a woman does not respect you. You have lost already. Men! They will always be around. You can always do something to make a man want you. The trick is, you just have to be consistent. But! Women! No! Because the world is so unnecessarily hard on them. They wont take less than, from any man. They will use you until they spit you out! This is why I’m hard on him. He’s a fool for that good, good. And yes it’s happened to him more than once. He’s an introvert. So he does not talk about his feelings. BUt! Only lets you know what he want you to know so he can use you to his benefit. Something I have seen in him and will continue to disconnect myself from him for! His mother will always be a mother. But! To me he’s a shitty person.

Especially when all you have to do is ask. I will no longer be willfully blind to the actions of those who are around me or involved in my life. I’ve developed a new love language and it is called consistency. If you are consistently being an amazing person to me. I will be to you. But! No longer will I do this fucking stupid Jesus shit where I see and Minimize what I see happening in front of me. This is what I think the young man has come to me to for. In writing this, I did not think this at all until I started to ramble like morning birds on a tired day in my head. Thank you for these thoughts today, Tumbler Diary.  

Dear Diary #1

 Today os the day that I realize, that I have to stop being loyal to others. And become what this country wants me to be. A selfish entitled bitch who... Emotionally manipulates people. Because when you are.. honest, patient and understanding..... Things just seems to go sooo far left. You're hanging off of a cliff from by the tags of your clothes. Bent over. And all you can do is taste the water of the ocean, flowing up at you. 

Recently a woman who I though was a very close and dear friend has hurt my mother fucking feelings for the last time.  I now have realized I have or will have had a toxic trait. I unknowably “enable people”. I thought I was not a YES man!!!!! But! by not allowing people to move on out of their emotions. Not allowing them to try something different or! Become a simpler better version of themselves. You enable them to be the ship wreck they are. I use to validate there feelings and show understanding. I use to show them that they had a person who will make them feel seen and make them feel heard. Or actually be heard. 

The only thing that I realize I have managed to do is enable adults to truly not out grow their situations and feel that it is okay to stay stuck and bitch about it. all the while. I really thought I was being a good friend. A good and genuine person. I now realize that this is a relative thing. everything is truly relative. I cannot believe this!!! I cannot believe that I’m flawed. 

One thing you need to know about me, peering eyes. Is that in my opinion I think  everyone see’s themself in a non flawed state. I think people choose to see the best of who they are personally. I’m talking about personality. I have as long as I can remember in my adult life, try, tried! to be. Open and honest. Respectful and objective. And NO! I have not been. I have failed at this. 

The situation that I’m in is crazy. And all that I was trying to do was help. Help a close friend who I thought was moving into a family category. For GOD sake I actually thought of this person as family. I tend to mind my business. At least I usually do! And help where and when I can. I took on the responsibility of sheltering her adult child when he was in need of assistance. He’s 18 and pushing 19. He was being dense as all hell and found himself in danger.

 Being naive, He allowed someone to go to his connections house to get some weed. The guy apparently  was deeper into something that anyone would have thought. The person who approached her adult child asked to be linked up with some smoke and her son asked the dealer. The dealer approved! As her son was doing child like things. Playing video games and talking to girls. The dealer was being robbed. And heavily assaulted. Now! to sum this up because I’m getting off point and I have to get back from break. He’s on the “run” and he’s been linked up with me for a while....... To Be Continued!