Tw: Sh

Tw: sh

If I could, I'd cut out all the bad and rotten parts of my body.

But it seems to me like there is nothing left to safe.

I really gotta star to think about what I want to do.

Because like, someone telling me to do what I want is really overwhelming.

Like, how should I know?? What do I want?

And also, do you want it? How should I know? Yell me yes or no please?? Because I can't read minds and it's hard to decide if I don't know of you want it or not.

I really have to work on that.

But hey, at least my poetry book is going really well. I am sorting through all my poems rn and decide which will actually stay in the book and I already have 23 :)

Tw: mention of sh, drugs, overdose, sexualization

I had a dream and it was so weird.

Like, at first at was more of a nightmare, everyone left me, I was self harming in the dream and I looked like shit.

Anyway, when I got to my room in the camp where the dream was playing, there were two men and that is awesome.

Because I asked if I could have a cigarette and one of them made me one and there were drugs everywhere and the man just gave me the drugs for free when I asked.

And they were like really nice and told me I looked pretty (even tho my face was all red and swollen from crying) and explained how to take the drugs that I haven't taken before.

And they were like also really big on concent, since one of the drugs was a love drug and they were like, you both gotta consent!

And I think they also kissed once and laughed and than I think I died because of an overdoses and woke up??

It was so weird, anyway, I really want to actually meet two people like those two, I just wanna be held and comforted...

Maybe I'll just go back to sexualizing myself for attention, it's easier and I really want to feel wanted rn.

But I also know that it's a terrible choice...

What should I actually do? I don't know, I just don't know.

My sister and I are just scrolling through her instergram and I see someone I don't know and ask who is this?

And she answers with oh, I was in jail with him.

She is an activist btw, she didn't actually do anything.

Tw: abuse

Me vibing but suddenly I remember all the times he hit and manipulated me into apologizing to him because he had to hit me.

Not fun. Not what I wanted to randomly remember. Why the fuck does my head keep reminding me of all of that shit??

And the worst part is that I still can't belive someone loves me if they don't hurt me. Like, the way I was taught love works, is always through hurting me.

I don't want that.

I just woke up again, it's 2 pm now and I haven't done anything at all today.

I kinda wanna go.back to sleep again but I know I shouldn't, but I don't have any motivation to do anything at all.

Life is just exhausting.