Th . It Plays In My Mind - Tumblr Posts

𝖠𝗇𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗂𝗍 𝗂𝗌. People are always going to regret him and he tries to act like it doesn't hurt. But hearing her of all people say it, it cuts like a fucking knife. Right into the back, to the heart. Hell, to the throat.

Staring down Cassandra his eyes are hard, but hurt as his chest rises and falls slowly.

❝ Maybe you should have.❞ he told her, though his voice quivers in the idea of agreeing with it. He hates it but he forces himself to say it. ❝ You want to go? Go. No one is stopping you. ❞ but he doesn't want too. He wants her to stay, he wants her to look at him and realize that maybe there is something worth trying to fight for.

There has to be, right..?

❛  i should've walked away.  ❜ @ladamereveuse

In her, he found something he never thought he would find ; a sense of self. A sense of peace of mind. Somehow she managed to quiet the voices, the chaos, and the disorder. Maybe it was the accent, Maybe it was just who she is as a person. Someone who can see through the vail and make it easier to lower the mask. He couldn't tell you -- all he knows is that her speaking of leaving is taking a knife into his heart.

And it's twisting it slowly. A sharp pain he never thought he'd experience and he knows pain. Her words are an indication of just how much pain he knows when he looks away from her with his eyes shut tight. Does he know what it's like to lose himself? He never had a real sense of himself or who he is because he tried to be everything Ward wanted of him and more. He tried to be the good son all the while walking a path that was shrouded in darkness and uncertainty. The only light he had was that of his mother -- and she's gone. Been gone. Dead. And without her he's been trying to make himself the man his father demands he be.

Though no matter what he does it's never good enough for him. And just when he thinks it is, that his father is on his side ... he loses it instantly. A mistake, a disappointment, a mess, weak...so many words are whirling around in his head. But with her that didn't matter ... and yet it did to some degree. Otherwise he wouldn't have done the things he did.

❝ I don't know who I am..❞ he replies in a soft voice, looking to her. ❝ So how can I lose myself if I don't know myself to begin with ? ❞

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐐𝐔𝐈𝐕𝐄𝐑 in his voice pulls at something in her chest. It’s not that she wants to leave him—the truth is she’s terrified of leaving—but his unpredictability makes her question everything. There was a reason she couldn‘t stand him at first. All those times she could’ve just turned around and walked away, she didn't. Even when she felt like she was drowning under the weight of his anger, his darkness, she stayed. And maybe it was a mistake, maybe she should've known better, but here she is anyway. It’s like standing on a cliff's edge, the thrill and fear of falling both exhilarating and paralyzing. She’s never been one to shy away from danger, but this ... feels different. The fear is always there, a gnawing, persistent presence that lurks in the pit of her stomach. The fear that one day, the darkness will swallow him whole and take her down with it. The fear that loving him means losing herself, piece by piece, until there's nothing left but a shadow of who she used to be. She regrets allowing herself to believe that things could get better without demanding the change she needed. And, deep down, she regrets how much of herself she compromised just to keep the peace. Running would have been the easier choice—leaving everything behind, even with the ache in her heart.

Her lips part, her voice trembles ❝ You don’t get eet, do you ? ❞ Her accent laces her words, giving them a softness they might not deserve. ❝ Eet’s not about just... walking away now. ❞ she pauses, her gaze flickering across his features. ❝ Eet’s about 'ow you make me feel, Rafe. You scare me sometimes, oui, and not because of who you are, but because of what you are willing to do. The lengths you will go to, the risks you will take without hesitation. And a part of me understands eet—I get eet. Trying so hard to earn their attention, to get the approval of someone who looks at you like you're worth nothing, just because you refuse to play by their rules, think like them. I know what that ees like. Fighting so desperately for validation, for that one look, that one word that might mean you are finalleeh enough. ❞ Her voice breaks, her chest rises and falls unevenly. ❝ Do you know what eet's like to compromise everything you are, just to fit eento the box they 'ave made for you ? I'm tired of eet. ❞ Her eyes search his, and for a moment, it’s not just about him—it’s her own battle, her own scars bleeding through. She takes a shaky breath, her eyes glistening ❝ Maybe I should ’ave walked away, Rafe. Maybe I should 'ave run as far as I could, but I didn’t. I’m still 'ere. And I don't even know eef eet makes me brave or just foolish. ❞