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Honduran White Leafnoses are one of the more aesthetically aberrant exemplars in the Order of Alternative Birds. Forgoing the natural coloration of their close cousins, these flighted frighteners bleach their feathers the colour of bone in order to trick potential predators into believing they have stumbled onto a nest of very tiny ghosts. Hypotheses abound regarding the source of this behavioural adaptation, with a slim majority of scientists supporting the “forgot to turn the calendar to November” model over alternative explanations.

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When a Fig Wasp and a Fig Tree love each other very much they have a special hug and I beg of you please do not investigate further. It is better that you think figs are merely the result of a weird bee having sex with a plant, because the truth is significantly less palatable. Some Things Once Learned Cannot Be Forgotten; You Have Been Warned.

This post is in memoriam of the brave field researcher who sacrificed themself upon the pyre of forbidden knowledge. May their disappearance not be in vain.

Unable to afford expensive orthodontia, Crossbilled birds are forced to eke a tenuous existence on the outskirts of a bird society which prioritizes looks over feelings. Relentlessly bullied for their crooked beaks, they often sink into a deep depression. Above, a Crossbill stares into the distance while trying to work up the motivation to bathe for the first time in ten days.

Vicious predators native to the vast and desolate prairies of Manitoba, Canadian Panthers have successfully spread to the entirety of Turtle Island. Encounters with these ferocious felidae almost always conclude calamitously, and they are believed to be responsible for the complete destruction of several small communities in rural Ontario. Above is the last photograph taken by an as-yet unidentified photographer, capturing the moment just before a Canadian Panther attacked and killed them.

Unlike their terrestrial cousins, Giant Flying Squirrels refuse to be bound by society’s views on appropriate methods of travel. By spreading themselves as wide and flat as possible, these Alternative Birds are capable of gliding upwards of sixty-five metric feet! While it is true they lack the finer control of more traditional birds, they also have not been able to fly as long and so should be afforded a measure of leniency when judging their ability.

Needlessly territorial and bellicose, Whooping Cranes have a well-deserved negative reputation among the Gruiformes. Because of their needless aggression, these provocative birds were hunted until scarcely two dozen existed in the entire world. Thanks to the tireless efforts of multiple non-profit groups and citizen mad science associations dedicated to making angry birds a daily threat to humanity, there are now nearly four hundred and fifty Whooping Cranes on the loose and ready to deliver their namesake upon innocent bystanders.

Above, a solitary Whooping Crane ruins a picnic being held by a large group of Sandhill Cranes.

Unfairly maligned as sex pests in recent internet videos, Satin Bowerbirds have in reality a largely-celibate society. Rather than waste their time with breeding the next generation, the bulk of this unusual bird’s civilization revolves around the creation and maintenance of small shrines dedicated to gods yet unknown to humanity. That said, it is true that a very small minority caste of these birds are kept busy “getting busy’ to ensure the continuation of the species, but they should be recognized as extreme outliers and therefore left uncounted.

That is a prime example of a Fox Sparrow! For years they were used as proof that the world is under the tyrannical rule of a deranged God, but nowadays rational thought has prevailed and they are believed to be a fairly niche example of convergent evolution; their “ears” are actually specially-shaped feathers called ‘auriculars’ which funnel sound to the auditory meatus. Hope this helped!

Hmmm