Youneverlikedmeanyway - Sad Internet Girl - Tumblr Blog

ethiopian welo opal

I’m sorry that we couldn’t make it to 20 together.

I’ll keep aging and you’ll be eternally 19.

Miss you always, Thom. ❤️

by mauro_roberto__

Aerial Photographs by Kevin Krautgartner Capture the Magnificent Power of Crashing Waves Above Hawaii’s Banzai Pipeline

hoping to be renewed this spring... that is the sole function of the season

I’m sorry!!! I’m sorry that we can’t go back!!! And for all the things we can’t remember. But I’m glad we did it!! The love will always be there!

Cornflower bouquet 3/30

Somebody give me the strength to finish cleaning up my depression hoard on zero hours of sleep today :,)

Grief isn't always about loss in the traditional sense. I miss my dead ex. I also miss my pets who have passed away. But tonight I find myself sleepless over the loss of my old friends. I drove most of them away in adolescence by, for lack of better words, being a fucking weirdo haha. It's so strange that I feel the same pain in all of these scenarios. Perhaps, differing in severity, but the feeling a part of me cracked away.

When taking in deep breaths to soothe my breathing during fits of crying over this loss I close my eyes and see a hole inside of my chest with the universe leaking through.

Do I miss them because I love them? Because I want to make sure they are happy and I can no longer do that? Or do I miss them for more selfish reasons? Like my unconditional love and support is gone? Or some fundamental feeling like I deserve their company and it's not fair they are gone? Or even, do I hate that the loss I feel makes me hurt, and it would be easier to have them back rather than to face the pain? Maybe it's a bit of all.

I don't like to peak into the lives of people who have been clear they no longer want me (as in, making no effort to seek me out and rekindle our friendship) but sometimes I like to check in on them. Part of me is happy they are thriving, and another part of me misses this idolized version of the person who haunts some part of my memory.

It's a bit haunting to wonder if they ever think about me too. Or was I so insignificant that they have forgotten about me? I wanted to get 8 hours of sleep today but it seems I will get none at all. Oh well.

The irony in all of this is that looking back I realize I took so many good friends for granted. And in yearning so much for the past it's possible I'm neglecting the relationships I have now. Oh, when does this cycle end?

Madonna Lilies 1/30

I was too much of a pussy to do it.

Thomas, if you can read this, take care of my babies please. Losing them is so tough.

And so the countdown begins. Which one will end first? How fast can I clean up my lies vs how much can I deal with the stress? I guess we’ll see. Like some sick gameshow.

I’ll fight to keep them. But if that doesn’t work out, well, that’s probably why this fucking account goes silent. Better off anyways. What kind of human being can live with maggots everywhere? It’s disgusting. I’m disgusting for letting it get this bad.

I don’t want anyone to go through the pain I did losing someone like that. But fuck. I don’t want them to look at me like that. To know how I’ve been living. Something between disgust and fear about how I can live like I do. And I hate how much I lie to cover my tracks. I don’t want to lie to the people I love. But if I don’t it all comes apart. And now the bugs are everywhere and there’s going to be an inspection. I can’t clean it up. I can’t clean it up. If they find me dead in my mess then I can’t feel the judgement anymore

Everyone thinks I’m in such a good place. That I’m finally getting my life together. They don’t realize I’m being social because I’m constantly fawning or making sure nobody is talking about me behind my back because my paranoia eats me alive when I’m alone. And my grades are shit too. I can’t lie forever. I can’t lie about my condition. They’re gonna find out. I want to end it before the storm reaches me and I have to face the shame

I’m such a coward for thinking like this. But I feel so stuck. How am I going to fix this mess when I just want to melt away? I don’t want to lose them. But at least I can be reunited with Thomas.

If I die in my mess at least I’ll be pitied. As it is now I’m on a countdown of being found out. And I feel stuck and paralyzed. Everyone will judge me. Think I’m disgusting and lazy. I’m so sorry. I just can’t deal with that. Idk what I’ll do with my pets. I don’t know I don’t know. They deserve better