
she//her ♡ reader ♡ writer ♡ existential crisiser ♡
580 posts
I Only Ever Wrote For You After Our End
I only ever wrote for you after our end
Which meant every poem tasted too much like an overripe obituary on the tongue
But when has guilt ever stopped me from doing something I shouldn't
What has poetry ever done but turn me selfish
Let me repaint everything in shades that complement the tale of my own tragedy
For what is the heartbreak of an artist
If not another poem the world could have done without
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More Posts from Wisp-of-thought
I know
I will never
Fill the craters
She left in your heart
And I know
When we are over
I will take nothing of you with me
But pieces of her void
And you will have nothing to remember me by
But the memory
Of how I could not love you
Like she did
- the phases of the moon speak with the stages of grief -
1.
The Loss: {silence}
The New Moon: {silence}
The Loss: Is this the end?
The New Moon: I suppose it depends on where you start. For some, this is the beginning. For others, this is the end.
The Loss: {silence}
The New Moon: {silence}
The Loss: It is so dark.
The New Moon: I know.
The Loss: {silence}
The New Moon: The ache will come in waves. The tides are always highest when the loss is new or full.
The New Moon: {silence}
The Loss: {silence}
2.
Shock & Denial: This is not the end.
Waxing Crescent: No, I suppose this is just the beginning.
Shock & Denial: The darkness cannot last.
Waxing Crescent: The darkness is eternal. It is the light that must fade eventually.
Shock & Denial: This is not the end.
Waxing Crescent: No, I suppose a cycle cannot end, but nor can it begin. For some things are forever.
3.
Pain & Guilt: It hurts
First Quarter: It will not last.
Pain & Guilt: Perhaps it should. Perhaps this is what I deserve.
First Quarter: Why?
Pain & Guilt: I could have...
First Quarter: You could not have. There are some things you cannot change. There are some things that are meant to happen. They cannot be stopped. I would know.
Pain & Guilt: It hurts.
First Quarter: For now. For this is just a phase
4.
Anger & Bargaining: If I promise to change, do you think life will return?
Waxing Gibbous: Do you think you can change?
Anger & Bargaining: Perhaps if life came back.
Waxing Gibbous: You can not barter with life or with the light. You will change when you are meant to. When you are ready. And they will come and go when they are meant to. When they are ready.
Anger & Bargaining: And who are they to get to say? Who are you?
Waxing Gibbous: I am but a phase. I am but the part of the moon the light is meant to hold tonight.
Anger & Bargaining: I would have given my light for theirs.
Waxing Gibbous: Light is light. It belongs to no one. It is not yours. It was not theirs. And who are you to command the light?
Anger & Bargaining: {silence}
Waxing Gibbous: {silence}
Anger & Bargaining: I am but a phase. I am temporary. The light will leave me too.
Waxing Gibbous: But it has not yet.
5.
Depression: Is this the end?
Full Moon: I suppose it depends on where you start. For some, this is the beginning. For others, this is the end.
Depression: I think I would like for this to be the end.
Full Moon: But look how far you’ve come.
Depression: I think I would rather return to before the beginning.
Full Moon: But look, you are already almost there.
Depression: I don’t know if I will make it. I feel so empty.
Full Moon: But look at how full you are of sorrow.
Depression: {silence}
Full Moon: The ache will come in waves. The tides are always highest when the loss is new or full.
6.
The Upward Turn: I feel lighter. I do not understand why. For there is more darkness here than there was before.
Waning Gibbous: The darkness does not always have to be heavy. Sometimes the darkness is a mercy. Sometimes it is a chance to start again.
The Upward Turn: I don’t know if I am ready to start again without them. Not yet.
Waning Gibbous: Not yet. Not before you are ready. You must trust the light will turn when it is time
The Upward Turn: It still hurts.
Waning Gibbous: It will. for this love is not a phase, but this sorrow is.
7.
Reconstruction & Working Through: This is not the end.
Third Quarter: No, this is not.
Reconstruction & Working Through: There is more to life than the way it ends.
Third Quarter: Yes, there is.
Reconstruction & Working Through: There are ways to remember others without forgetting yourself. Life lies beyond this. I feel it.
Third Quarter: You must strive to find revival in the darkness. You must trust the light will come for you even when you cannot see it.
Reconstruction & Working Through: Even in the aftermath of loss. I will strive to rebuild a life in which their memory will last. A life worthy of the light to return to.
Third Quarter: It is not about being worthy. It never was. It is about spending your time well while you have it. It is about not wasting away worrying about the next phase but just existing in this one. And trusting the light will hold you and have you and leave you exactly when it is meant to. Do you trust?
Reconstruction & Working Through: I am trying to.
Third Quarter: Then that is enough.
8.
Acceptance & Hope: Is this the end?
Waning Crescent: People tell me that I am the end, and yet in all my years I have not felt like the end. I have not yet met it but I do not think it looks like this.
Acceptance & Hope: No, I do not think it looks like this either. But what comes after this?
Waning Crescent: I have heard rebirth comes after this. That it lays in the darkness. In the unknown.
Acceptance & Hope: And I will be rebirthed into a new life in which they are gone. Do you not fear the day when the light does not return for you?
Waning Crescent: Not anymore. For today is not that day. Perhaps, tomorrow, when the light leaves, she will not return. But today, she is not done with me yet.
Acceptance & Hope: No, not yet.
Waning Crescent: Not yet.
I dont know if I deserve you
But I know I am deserving of peace
I ask her
When was the last time you took what you deserved
She asks me
When was the last time you let go of what you did not
Revalations have historically always come in
Pieces
But I do not want to wait until the end to be whole
Perhaps failure is a learnt habit
Perhaps we are born with all the potential we will ever bear
Perhaps my existence is but circumstantial evidence
Blossoming doubt
Look at who I have become
All unfulfilled potential
And weeping willow
All blunted tongue and
Blurred edges
Is this what I am destined for?
Subar symphonies and the suburbs
Becoming my mother
Who keeps her highschool poetry
In her youthful handwriting
In a baby blue file folder
On the top shelf of her closet
We have always been my favourite tragedy
The curtain falls and keeps falling
For all you ever did was love me like leaving would be easier
And tell me you have never dreamed of
Being loved first
For does anyone truly know desire
'Till they have wanted that
Which they cannot have?
- haphazard harmony (another compilation of random lines without a poem)
And I will always love you like you
Are my first
And you will always love me like I
Fall somewhere inbetween
The beginning and
The end
And what can I do
But keep falling
Short
of forever
A memory that will not last
No matter how hard I try
To hurt you enough
For the scars to linger
Even after I am gone
And this is how it begins
When I rediscover the fear of being undeserving of the things I love
When I forget how to hold the poems on my tounge
When I let the words fester and wilt in my veins
Let the unsaid accumulate in the back of my throat
Dead passages stain my skin shades of neglected potential
When I promise myself I'll end
Or I'll begin
But even I do no trust who I have become
Oh the blood I have shed
Oh the youth I have lost amongst the grief
And for who?
In hopes a river of sorrow, a pathway of scars
Would lead love back
To the hollow parts of me
I carved out
To make room for forgiveness
I deny myself