U319 - Page 0 - Tumblr Blog

I'm here for you.

While checking my junk journal from 2021, I came across a page that felt familiar. It contained a journal entry—simple, focused on handwritten letters, and with pink colored paper.

The phrases "Unnie, I want to die" were written in small letters.

It felt familiar because I recognized it from a clip from Choi Yujin's live. I went to X and found the clip. Although the clip was familiar, I had somehow forgotten how the video made me feel back in 2021.

Right after she said, "I'm here for you,"— I couldn’t hold back my tears. As usual, I, the crybaby Glen, cried (I'm even tearing up while writing this). The year 2021 has passed, and yet this year feels similar. At that time, I saved the video as a means of saving myself.

I knew it was just a simple clip from a K-pop idol who didn’t even know of my existence, but her sincerity reached my heart. I know she was only looking at the camera lens, but back then, and even now, I felt as though someone was with me.

I recognize that I have managed to help myself through my episodes this year, and I am proud of that.

There are moments when I find myself longing for someone to simply see me, to be present when I feel overwhelmed and unable to manage everything on my own. The absence of anyone showing up during these times can be truly heartbreaking. However, I have learned to release these feelings and, in the end, become my own companion.

It is not their fault for not being there, and I understand that they cannot always be present. Yet, it still hurts, leading me to deeply question my own worth. Perhaps, I am simply in a vulnerable state.

However, a part of me wishes that others were not just aware or simply typing, "I'm here—don’t think about that,".

I wish for someone to truly and want to see me during those difficult moments, to look directly into my eyes, and to tell me, "I'm here for you, hmm."

I am now learning to understand my emotions—the shadows and the voices within. It is comforting to hear what you want from others, but the reality is that, even if people offer encouraging words, I am alone with myself at the end of the day. I realize that I need to believe in myself and support myself, even when it feels difficult. It may seem a bit silly, but during those difficult moments, the only thing I can offer myself is a simple, "I'm here for you."

And if you are reading this, remember that even though we may not share the same experiences, you always have yourself. Be present for yourself, no matter what.

To Girls' Generation, Choi Yujin, my friends, those who have shown concern,— I hope you know how thankful I am to have you all in my life. You may not realize it, but you have saved me countless times. I know it can be tiring to have me around, but still, thank you. It’s my turn now, and I’m trying. I promise I won’t do it. Thank you, and I love you all.

#JournalCheck #u319JournalCheck #Journaling #MentalHealth #Advocacy #GirlsGeneration #ChoiYujin #Yujin #Kepl1er

= (

Journal entry 020224

"I feel like i can't ask for help or be vulnerable.

:(

It's okay.

At least I can vent it out everything here on my journal. "

Eight months after, Glen, you won’t believe how fragile and vulnerable you felt—thin as paper, crumpled, and easy to tear. Your tears have become a sticky moisturizer on your face, leaving you dehydrated as you cried more than you had in your entire 23 years. You even got a natural eyeliner from all those tears.

Yes, you felt weak, but that led you to discover a new world. You became vulnerable, and now you can finally open up. You no longer have to rely solely on journaling to vent your feelings; you’ve found new ways to express yourself.

(But posting sa social media, facebook etc. Feel ko not for me talaga. Ayaw ko ng massive na attention. Huhuhuhuhu. My Grade 7 will be happy sa famous era ko but I guess writing here in Tumblr and other publication sites lang ako madaldal so... Idk. Hindi ko naman need ng validation from others to feel good or to make myself right.)

You’ve learned how to set boundaries, and you are slowly regaining the self-worth, dignity, and pride you once sacrificed for others

(See, you always put everyone else first—people even told you to prioritize yourself, but you didn't listen, and look where that got you! HAHAHA. But to be honest ang hirap rin ng transition to prioritize myself kasi iniisip ko pa rin sila if magiging okay ba sila without me. Pero malaki na sila. Kaya naman nila magluto ng hatdog keri na. Jk HAHAHAHAHA)

Just like a crumpled piece of paper, you have a story written on you, and that story gives you value. Those stories will be rewritten into new ones, so don’t worry.

It takes time, but we will be okay.

#JournalCheck #u319JournalCheck #Journal #Journaling #Fragile #JournalEntry

Her only options are to wait.

To wait for the person to return.

To wait for her feelings to fade

The outcome is uncertain; both possibilities could be painful or perhaps even bring a sense of peace.

Yet, one thing remains certain: she has herself. She will never abandon her own side. The worth, care, and love she has are first and foremost directed towards herself. Regardless of the challenges or celebrations that may come, she knows that someone will always be there for her—she will be there for herself.

Some prayers are offered for the safety and well-being of my family in my absence.

Some prayers express gratitude for the better days and the opportunities that have come my way.

And there is a prayer, filled with tears—seeking a chance for things to be mended, for a restoration, a return to what once was.

If that is not meant to be, then may both find happiness, with distance as a blessing.

And the final prayer is for the strength to no longer shed tears when memories come to mind.

“Dear Life, I am slowly falling in love with you again”

— Conee Berdera

M: Actually sometimes I hate myself. Parang need ko na makalimutan agad. Lahat. Para okay na ako. Naiinis ako kasi I feel like 'pag naalala ko lahat ng mga baggage ko parang back to zero ako. Ang dami kasi.

Thrpst: That's normal. Sabi ko naman sa'yo, pure kasi intention mo sa lahat, kaya nagkabaggage. Isipin mo hindi ka nga nagagalit eh. Mas inuuna mo sila kaysa sa'yo. You are too pure kaya mas magtaka ka kung madali mong makalimutan lahat.

Me: Sorry.

Thrpst: oh, ayan ka na naman. Hindi ba sabi ko 'wag kang magsorry. I know nasanay kang itake account ang nga bagay na hindi mo kontrolado, hindi mo kasalanan, at feelings mo. Valid 'yan. Huwag kang magsorry.

Me: Okay... Sorry.

Imagine the feelings of someone who recently went through a breakup, only to find out months later that their former partner has moved on with someone new.

Though you can't control another person’s emotions, you might wonder: 

Was there any infidelity involved?

Was it really that easy to replace me? 

How can they move on so quickly after causing so much pain?

You begin to question whether it was simply a matter of seeking companionship or comfort. Perhaps your former partner had heard similar words in the past but chose to overlook them. Now, you find yourself wondering if paying attention to those words, particularly when coming from someone new, would have made any difference.

How is it possible for someone to move on so easily? Do they even consider the heart they broke?

While you know that someone else's ability to move forward doesn’t determine your value, it's hard to shake the feeling that perhaps it was your fault. You question whether the relationship meant so little that it could fade so easily.

Someone's heart has been shattered—dying a little more each day. So, how can they sleep at night?

And most of all, you worry:

What if this happens to me?

Kilometres and Minutes

18 km and 16 minutes apart

This is so fresh; we are on fire

A connection that we utter,

Ourselves, for each other, we offer.

We fight against all odds.

A distance of 3 hours and 77 km of roads

Commitment to each other, we nod,

Far distance, but we know what's ours.

4.5 km and 15 minutes,

Near, but we are not meant.

I'll pretend that everything is full of mist

So we cannot have our moment.

Finally, the wish we dreamed,

Now a sign to dim.

Putting up my walls, placing a DND,

For you, for me, for peace.

22, 23, 24—

Suot suot ang tig 50 pesos na biniling earphone sa Lazada, nakikinig si 22 ng kanta ni Kim Taeyeon na "Candy Cane". Inuulit pa ang line na "네가 날 안을 때 oh, 난 금방 녹을 것 같아 oh". Na ang ibig sabihin ay 'When you hold me, Feels like I could melt' Sabay yakap sa sarili na may pagtalon talon pa, parang tanga.

Napansin ni 23 ang parang kababawan ni 22 kaya sinabihan niya 'to ng "para kang baliw"

"Fyi ijudge mo ko or what pero neexperience mo na ba 'yung parang tumigil mundo mo after kang mayakap? Like after mong mahead tap?" Nagtaray pa si 22

"Bakla feel ko nagbago ang mundo" dagdag pa.

"So crush mo? Shuta kaaa, kaibigan mo 'yon!" Pang aasar ni 23

"Ewan, I feel like she changed something eh. Basta happy ako when I see her happy. I'm happy when she's happy. Okay na siguro 'yon. I won't bother naman. Ganoon na lang." sabi ni 22

"Guess what, 22" yabang ni 23 habang may ipinakita na  singsing sa daliri

"So ano naman, sino naman ang nagbigay niyan mamaya nambasted ka na naman"

"Basted? I ask her"

"Who?" Nanlaki ang mata ni 22 na parang kwago

23 showed bunch of photos

"Gago? Totoo ba? Sheeeettt" napatalon naman si 22 na hindi makapaniwala, may paghampas pa kay 23

"LDR nga lang, pero susunod ako sa kanya, we will live together "

Nag apir ang dalawa at si 22 tinitignan pa rin ang mga pictures, hindi pa rin makapaniwala.

"Nasaan na ba si 24? Parang hindi ko pa siya nakikita. Tara nga puntahan natin sa kwarto niya" sabi ni 23

Pag pasok sa kwarto, kakaibang 24 ang nakita nila, mas maikling buhok. Mas mapayat at tahimik. 

"Kumusta, anong ginagawa mo?" Pagtatanong ni 22

"Naglilinis bakit?" Sabi ni 24

"Parang may something sa'yo, you look cool, you look better. Pero parang may kakaiba, tignan mo mata mo oh. Sakitin ka pa rin ba?" Pag aalala ni 23

"No. Hindi na ako sakitin. Hindi na sumasakit ang ulo ko, hindi na nagkakalagnat nang biglaan, hindi na nagigising ng random nights—medyo kalmado na." Mahinahon na sabi ni 24

"Hala ang daya mo naman, bakit ako ganiyan pa rin. Nahihirapan na nga ako feeling ko sobrang stress lang ako sa mundo, aside doon ano pang nawala sa'yo?" tanong ni 23

Napaupo si 24 sa sahig. Nagdadalawang isip kung kailangan ba niyang sabihin ang susunod na lines.

"Her. Wala na siya. I lose her"

Katahimikan ang bumalot sa buong kwarto.

"Gagi, nagjojoke ka ba?" Pag tataka  ni 22

"Wala ka bang ginawa? Anong nangyari, kunin mo pabalik!" Nanginginig na boses ni 23, halata na inaiipon na ang galit niya kay 24

"I tried, 3-4 times." Unti unting tumulo na ang luha ni 24 sa pagkakasabi

"Kung mahal mo hahabulin mo. Kung mahal mo kakausapin mo, aayusin mo. Need lang ng lambing noon. Ganoon 'yon eh makikipag break tapos babawiin lang rin. Hindi mo na ba siya mahal?" Pag sigaw ni 23

"Sobra sobrang mahal." Unti unting hikbi ni 24

"Oh bakit hindi mo habulin, habulin mo hanggat kaya pa. Habulin mo!" Hindi niya na napapansin na naduduro niya si 24

"Hindi pwede!" Sagot ni 24

"Bakit hindi pwede!" Tanong pabalik ni 23

"KASI MASAYA NA SIYA!" Pag sabat ni 22

"Tanginang 'yan. Kasalanan mo 'to 24 eh, kung hindi ka depress  depress diyan edi nagstay!" Galit na sambit ni 23 kay 24

"Bakit ako? I did my part, baka ikaw kung sununod ka agad edi nakakapag usap kayo ng ayos. Kung hindi ka diyan oa lagi edi hindi narindi sa'yo" ganti ni 24

"Tama na! Tama na! Ako na ang may kasalanan! Ako na! Kung hindi ko ginusto, hindi ganito!" Sigaw ni 22 na hindi na kinakaya ang sumbatan ni 23 at 24.

Unti unting napalitan ng lungkot ang galit ni 23. Napaupo na lang rin siya sa sahig kasama ni 24.

"Hindi ba madadaan sa usapan? Like pareho mag grogrow?" Tanong ni 23

"We need to seperate, to grow." Sagot ni 24 habang pinupunasan ang luha

"So siguro okay ka naman na, hindi ka naman na nagkakasakit sa stress ah" dagdag ni 22, pero makikita pa rin ang panginginig sa boses nito.

"I let her go. Dettach to the hopes of us, getting married, living together, having a farm with flowers. Some days are nice. Okay naman, feel ko naiintindi ko na sarili ko".

"Ayun naman pala eh. Tignan mo, parang nagsusukat ka na ata ulit." dagdag ni 22

"But sometimes, I see her. Sa ukayan, sa coffee shops, sa kahit saan na lugar. Nakikita ko siya. Naaalala ko siya. Sabi ko ah, magugustuhan niya 'to, sabi ko maganda siya dalhin sa lugar na 'to. Yes, wala na iyong health risk pero nagkakapanick attacks ako minsan. I'm not mad at her pero itong panick attacks na 'to kasalanan ko rin kasi I think of her. May part pa rin sa akin na nanghihinayang, may part sa akin na kung kami pa sana. May part sa akin na sana sinulit ko na."

"Damn, she really touched ourlives" sabi ni 22

"Yeah, ang dami ko ring narealize about myself dahil sa kanya eh" 23 added

"And sometimes she thinks she's not enough, but she's everything. Pero we need to let her go." Punas ng luha ni 24

"Final Act." Sabi ni 22 habang umupo rin sa sahig

"Hays mamimiss ko morning selfies niya." sabi ni 23 habang natatawa at naluluha

"Sobra. Paano pa iyong pagtataray niya lagi. Jusko kahit nakakahurt, aminin na natin ang hot niya" natatawa ring sumbat ni 24

"Ah naaalala niyo ba iyong pogi pics niya? Basta iyong mga times na ang gwapo gwapo. Fuck jusko himlay" panghihinayang ni 22

"Hindi na natin malalaman kung anong pinakikinggan niyang music papasok sa work." Dagdag ni 23

"'yung baby hairs niyaaa"

"Ay nalala mo ba iyong may ichichika ka tapos sobrang ikli ng reply, tapos tatanungin mo kung bakit sasabihin niya—hindi raw niya gets. HAHAHAHAHHA hindi mo alam kung mafufrustrate ka o manggigigil ka kasi ang cute"

"Speaking of cute, hindi ko na sinabihan ng cute 'yon kasi ayaw kong isipin niya na ano na inuulit ko lang iyong feeling na naramdamn niya back then na sinabihan ko siyang cute. Pero putangina gusto ko siyang ibaby forever"

"Same, inaasar ko lang siyang panget pero sa totoo lang para siyang model. Ang ganda kaya ng mukha noon, maliit tapos 'yung cheek bone at eyebrow what the fuck sobrang ganda"

"Gagi iyong unibrow niyaaaa"

"Aminin mo minsan inaasar mo talaga para suyuin niyo. Gusto ko iyon suyuin lagi"

"Mamimiss ko boses noon, ang calming ano."

"Sobra, deserve talaga noon manominate as best host eh."

"Alam mo kamo minsan nahihiya ako kasi nakakaamaze way of thinking niya. Like sometimes naiisip mo, naisip niya 'yon? Gago ang talino ng Asawa ko"

"Anong Asawa? Girlfriend lang"

"Anong girlfriend? Ex girlfriend friend"

Tuloy tuloy na nag uusap sina 22, 23, 24. Kung kanina nagtatalo at nag iiyakan sila. Ngayon binalikan na lang nila ang masasayang mga bagay.

"Pero sa totoo lang, ang tapang niya. To end us. Grabeng sacrifice 'yon. Sa totoo lang, mas lalo ko nga siyang nagustuhan eh" sabi ni 24

"Sa true, downbad na talaga" 23

"Malay mo naman sa susunod. Ay diba parang nay ultimatum kayo? Kumusta 'yon"

"Alin iyong kayo sa pagtanda? Ayaw niya eh. Makulit kasi ako eh . Sabi ni 24

"Totoo ang kulit mo, pero ikaw anong sabi mo na ayaw niya na ituloy?" Tanong 22

Biglang may kumatok sa kwarto ni 24 at may pumasok 

"Pwede ba tulungan niyo ko maghanap ng tao? Baka familiar pa sa inyo ito oh"

Nagkatinginan si 22, 23, at 24.

Pumasok ang isang familiar na mukha, mas matanda sa kanila. Tila kilala nila ito pero hindi. Tila nakita na nila ito pero parang maraming nagbago sa Kanya—hindi lamang sa physical appearance pero parang sa aura niya mismo.

Sino ba ang pumasok?

Si 45, sinisimulan nang hanapin siya—para tuparin ang ultimatum.

Thumbs' Muscle MEMORY

Morninggg Agommm

Anong breakfast mo mahal?

Ganda Eyeshadow mo mahal

Ganda mo namannnn

Ganda mo naman, may girlfriend ka na?

Halaaaaa ako pala girlfriend mo, swerte ko naman

Ingat mahal kooo, tabi ka ulit ng driver? HAHAHHAHAHA

Passenger princess ka pala HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Ingat Agommmm, galingan mo sa workkkk

I love youuuu

---

Happy Lunchhhhh Agom kooo

Anong ulam mo?

Okieeee

Eat wellll

Mamaya pa ako kakain Agommm

I miss youuu

I love you Mahalll

---

Pauwi ka naaa Mahal?

Sino kasama mo sa market?

Okieee, Ingat Mahalll

Chat me 'pag apartment ka naaa

I love youuuuu

----

Medyo late ka na naka uwi mahal

Nag eat ka na sa market?

Okiee Mahal asikaso ka munaaaa

Chat me if done na okayyyy

Eat well mahalll

----

Done na ikaw?

How's your dayyyy?

Ah okieeeee

Uuwi ka Cavite sa weekend?

Meet tayo 'pag wala ako SK

Okieeeeeee

Ikaw ah, tiktok na naman baka mamaya kakaldag ka na niyan HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Sigeee chat me if sleep ka na ahhhhh

---

Agommm sleep ka na?

Nagtitiktok ka pa rin anoooo HAHAHAH

11 na mahal hindi ka pa nagsleep?

Ay Agom may sasabihin ako

Ay okieeee night nighttttt

I love you Agom, I miss youuuuu

------------------

Alam kong miss niyo kong kahat pero pwede bang sandali kasi nagrerelapse ako dito oh

: Cried today while praying (sa ibang simbahan)

Therapist: Good to hear! Ang sarap sa pakiramdam hindi ba?

: hulaan mo kung anong pinag pray ko

T: for you to heal! And He will grant it! Just take it easy okiee!

: No. I want her back.

T: 😭

(weird, but wanting her back is progress too)