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𝐼 𝑎𝑚 𝑎 𝑐𝑜𝑙𝑙𝑒𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑜𝑓 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑒𝑑 𝑎𝑙𝑚𝑜𝑠𝑡𝑠.

— Anne Sexton, Anne Sexton: A Self-Portrait in Letters

Emotionally I think I really need it to be autumn

Art by the illustrator/collage artist John Craig for The Smashing Pumpkins' Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness (1995)

Isabella Rossellini at the Betsey Johnson F/W 1995 fashion show.

Gonna dump this stream of consciousness here…. If you read this, you are a gem. I love all of you beautiful souls on here and want to start sharing more personal content…

I had the best weekend visiting a beloved friend in NYC who I hadn’t seen in 2 years. She is one of the coolest and most beautiful people I have ever met, and I miss her a lot of the time. We roomed together in college. As a pretty extreme introvert, it was such a gift to live with someone whose presence was actually as welcome and comfortable to me as my own usually is.

She stayed by my side during a season where I lost so many friendships I had cherished during a dark period of my life around the pandemic, where I had strayed so far from my deepest values. Out of every poor decision I’ve ever made, one that I made that year is something I’d do anything to take back. I will always be grateful for her loyalty and (undeserved) grace.

She is one of the most forgiving, open-hearted people I know. Fun, bright, driven, generous, caring, creative, confident, up-to-the-minute, adventurous, independent, gorgeous, and cool… It’s a weird thing to say about my best friend for whom I’ve only ever felt profound respect and platonic love for, but I would love to have a partner or wife like her one day.

I finally came out to her this weekend, and she was so supportive. We went to a lesbian bar (my first time at one), had an amazing time (didn’t expect people to hit on me because I’m so femme I look straight & felt ecstatic when some breathtaking women did!), and stayed out all night. I live in the burbs, and I sometimes wonder how my life would be in a city.

I ended up drinking alcohol for the first time in 3 years, 2 months, and 20 days. I don’t regret either long-term sobriety or choosing to end it. I’d never go back to daily drinking, and while I definitely had a problem, I refrained for long enough to limit it to social occasions now (which are almost never for me, lol). Drinking is fun for a night, but being sober is so life-giving.

I see the AA mentality (once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic) as offensively limited, deterministic, and dualistic. There is a lot more nuance with human behavior, so I believe finding balance is possible in most cases.

I know this is getting long, but I think part of the reason M is in my life is to open my heart. I have so much fear-based guardedness & my life is so damn comfortable (living at home… as thankful as I will always be for my parents’ generosity, I miss out on a lot). She reminds me that there’s a whole world beyond my small bubble and that some risks are worth it.

She was raised in another country, and she’ll get married soon- there for sure and hopefully here, too. Traveling is not my thing (Saturn in the 3rd house makes travel tough for me… I know that’s more about short-distance, but long-distance is unappealing to me, too). Yet, we shook on it that I’d do it for her. There’s no one else I would consider leaving US soil for, lol.

Anyway, I’ll be 30 in October and need to think hard about where I want to be in 5 years. I am terrified of becoming more independent (my phobia of driving on highways and such & apprehensions about living alone in some city), but I know I’ll finally have the financial capacity to do so after grad school. I’m considering moving to a city then…

Yin & Yang Swans by Alan Schaller