Just Watched I Saw The Tv Glow And One Thing I Haven't Seen Anyone Bring Up Yet Is That In The Final

just watched i saw the tv glow and one thing i haven't seen anyone bring up yet is that in the final seconds of the movie, right when it cuts to the credits screen, you hear the sound of rain. which is what maddy says it was like when they woke up in the pink opaque as tara. implying that owen/isabel, too, is on the precipice of making it out. is this perhaps a more optimistic interpretation of the ending than intended? probably, but i feel like it's worth mentioning

lately ive been addicted to these tiktoks where people put on an alien filter and just browse google maps and mark off countries and all the comments are people with pfps of little green aliens saying like "YES BOSS" "ALL CLEAR" "UNDERSTOOD BOSS"

AH I FOUND ONE

So like

I read/hear a lot about people saying that Blitz is obsessed with his employees because he longs for a relationship like theirs

Which I think is true

But I also think it could also be about him feeling like they aren’t really his friends - like they don’t really care about him.

I thought about this after rewatching Truth Seekers and hearing this line again:

Blitzo is referencing times in the past, that must have happened multiple times - enough to create a pattern of behavior- where he asked Moxxie to hang out but he said no in order to hang out with Millie.

Therefore he feels the need to tag along because it’s the only way they’ll hang out with him- they never want to hang out with him alone bc they are together, but when they are together they want couple time so they don’t invite Blitzo along- thus Blitzo never gets time with them outside of work.

Therefore he decides to just… force them to hang out with him… or hangs out with them from a far (by following and watching them).

Idk just some thoughts!

“Do you like girls?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you like boys?”

“I don’t know. I think I like TV shows.”

I remember when I was in middle school all the other girls were talking about the guys they liked and I said I didn’t like anyone. I just wanted to do my own thing.

I didn’t really get why I would want to date anyone. I understood friendship, companionship— having someone to share my interests and mutually info dump to sounded cool— but I struggled to understand the appeal of spending every day and every night with someone else. Of holding hands and going on dates. 

This led to a lot of homophobic bullying and a few of them would act disgusted that I might be into them. Constantly acting like I was looking at their boobs and sexualizing them (I never made eye contact with anyone and would frequently look at the wall or space out while looking in their general direction). Or make a big show of not being interested and many other things.

I didn’t get this either. I didn’t know why I would be interested in any of them. They treated me poorly and I thought attraction was something people made up and simply just claimed to feel towards other people.

Just like I never understood celebrity crushes. You don’t know the person so how could you possibly know you liked them? And I never understood how people “chose” who they dated. Did they just choose whoever they liked hanging out with the most?

But any time I voiced this it was always met with worse and worse reactions. It led to isolation among peers and my family. My parents made it pretty clear I wasn’t who they wanted me to be. That I wasn’t normal.

I soon learned to fake it. Pretend I understood it.

The idea of not being attracted to anyone seemed like a foreign idea to most people I met. Even when I branched out and moved away, I met a few people in the lgbt community who couldn’t grasp it either and reacted poorly and it made me feel stupid. Like maybe I wasn’t just screwed up to people who fit in the neat little box society wants you to fit in, but to everyone else as well.

Maybe I was wrong. If it’s an impossibility even in this community that champions diversity and acceptance then can that really be my reality?

I kept trying to force it. To date, but every time I did I always felt that same skin crawling discomfort and it always petered out. It didn’t matter who it was or what gender. It always felt wrong. It was suffocating.

I don’t think there’s a movie that better portrays that all consuming, suffocating stagnation of feeling so out of place– knowing you’re out of place compared to those around you– and in response forcing yourself to fit what other people expect of you than I Saw the TV Glow.

Whenever I think back to growing up or whenever I return home that same feeling this movie is centered around always drenches my experiences.

And even now it’s hard to put into words when I talk to other people what I’ve felt when it comes to this aspect of my life.

That comment from Owen about knowing there’s nothing there when talking about romance and attraction, but being too afraid to look and knowing that his parents know something is wrong with him hit harder than any other scene from a movie I’ve watched this year.

It’s that absence of something that is at the heart of asexuality that makes me always question what I choose to identify as when I have to explain it to someone. Because for the most part my explanation boils down to (in broad oversimplified terms): I’ve never felt attraction, I’m more interested in watching a Spider-Man movie than I’ve ever been into even just the idea of dating, every time I’ve attempted to date it’s been uncomfortable and I’ve actively dodged anything beyond friendship while in the “relationship”.

And when I try to voice that to another person it always feels like those experiences don’t hold water. That’s describing the absence of something. There’s no real proof of the identity.

With being bi or gay or lesbian there’s something you can I don’t know—point to?— that can help you know your identity.

And that’s the fact that you’ve experienced attraction towards one or more people of one or more genders.

It’s defined not by the lack of something but the presence of an experience.

And so every time I try and explain it I end up feeling stupid. Like I just haven’t tried hard enough to find someone compatible. That I need to get back into the proverbial saddle and try again. I always in some way feel ashamed and backtrack as a result.

This is in no way to say that it’s harder or easier to be one identity or the another. Everyone’s experiences are different and everyone experiences are valid. This is just a struggle I’ve found that’s unique to asexuality that many people I’ve talked to have also experienced.

I haven’t felt that part of my experience be seen in media until I saw this movie. Maybe I’m latching onto what I can get or maybe that was an intrinsic part of the movie. That’s not important. What’s important is that it’s something I felt seen in even if it was literally just one scene.

This is my really long winded and roundabout way of saying that I really think this movie is going to stick with me much longer than any other thing I’ve seen this year.

Things can be hard to put into words and as a result I tend to keep things inside. I’m fairly certain I’m ace but it might turn out I’m on a different romantic spectrum then I thought or I fall somewhere different than I thought on the ace spectrum. I don’t know what I’ll discover in the future.

I’m likely not going to express my label out loud to anyone but a select few. I still can’t express this particular label out loud to many people. My family is definitely never going to hear it. A friend or two might.

It’s something I struggle with on a regular basis. I’m fine with identifying with the label in my head—in a lot of ways it makes me feel comfortable and happy— but any time I try to voice it the words die in my throat and I can’t help but feel ashamed. It’s easier to just tell people I don’t want to date right now. That there are all these factors in the way (finances, time, jobs, etc) than it is to try and explain what I’ve just rambled about above.

I know many people have felt and understood that experience and I hope people know they’re valid. You can express your identity with your full chest, shout it from the rooftops and let people know, or you can keep it to yourself, identifying as your label solely in your head. Both experiences are valid. And if your label changes at some point in your life that doesn’t make what you chose to identify as at this point any less valid too. People are always learning and growing. You can gain a new understanding of yourself as time move forward.

Sorry for the way too long ramble. This movie made me feel things.

Happy anniversary to the rumor coming out about does Bruno Mars is gay

with all my blogging about I Saw The TV Glow, I should also say:

the film includes significant flashing lights in a strobe sort of effect. (sorry, I wish I could offer specific timestamps, but I can't right now. If someone reads this post later on who does know the timestamps, please add them!) if you have epilepsy or migraines, this may be triggering

the film plays a lot with unreality and eye contact, (for example, a character mid scene suddenly turning toward the camera to talk to the audience/screen directly). if you struggle with delusions, this may be triggering

the film involves some imagery that is, for lack of better terms, "suicide-adjacent" (the behaviors, while visually or conceptually being reminiscent of suicide, have a different purpose in-world). still, if you are actively suicidal, this may be triggering.

I hope everybody stays safe & takes care of themselves.