Hes A Little Shit As Always And I Require More Fics Of Him, If Anyone Has Any Where Hes Not Horribly

Hes a little shit as always and i require more fics of him, if anyone has any where he’s not horribly mis-characterized (I can handle a decent amount) gimme gimme plz:3

Duke: *is bored at the dinner table*

Duke: Hey Dick, that's a cool jacket. Isn't it Jason's, though?

Jason: Yes, that is my jacket. Why are you taking my jacket?

Dick: What are you talking about?

Jason: You never asked.

Dick: This is literally mine.

Jason: No it's not.

Dick: We have the same jacket.

Jason: No we don't.

Dick: We literally bought the same one.

Dick and Jason: *overlapping stupidity*

Duke: *sits back and enjoys*

SCREAMING FNFBDJDJEJHDJDJDJDJDJFHFHFHFHHDHEHDJDJSJSLSBEODNSKPSDN

The idea, surprisingly, came from Batman. “I just…” Clark sighed. “It’s getting harder and harder to keep up my facade. Clark Kent is who I am, but I can’t not be Superman yknow? And well, I’m running out of excuses.” Oliver nodded sympathetically. “Yeah, I get that.” “Why don’t you just tell them.” Batman interrupted. The two heroes looked at him in surprise. “Tell them?” Oliver asked incredulously. Batman nodded, looking at them as though they were daft. “Yes, tell them.” He sighed, running out of patience when they didn’t understand. “It’s the perfect excuse and if you really stress it then no one will believe you.” Oliver made a face. “Yeah sure Batman.” He drawled sarcastically. “Like you actually do that.” Batman stared at him for a few seconds, then snorted, turned, and walked away. “See?” Oliver muttered, victorious. 

“Clark you have that interview now with Bruce Wayne, he’s one of our biggest sponsors- why aren’t you gone yet?!?!”Perry half screamed as Clark half hazardly packed his satchel and made sure he had enough paper, his tape recorder had enough storage and his pens were working. “I know I know.” He muttered back, slinging it over his shoulder. “Sorry, I’ve never had an interview this late.” He half growled, heading out to grab a cab and head over to Wayne Enterprises, their meeting spot. The taxi driver seemed to sense Clark’s anxiety because he most definitely did not follow the speed limit but Clark was too panicked to tell him to slow down and tossed him a few bills before sprinting up the stairs to WE. “Mr. Kent!” Bruce Wayne greeted warmly, opening the door for him. “Hello Mr. Wayne,” Clark greeted politely, taking his offered seat. “Sorry for being late.” Bruce waved him off, pouring himself and Clark a glass before sitting himself. “It’s no matter, really, your payback for my cutting our last interview short eh?” He winked, handing the glass of water to Clark. Clark sipped it in thanks, opening his notebook. “Yeah… why did you by the way?” He asked. Bruce chuckled. “Clark, darling, didn’t you know? I’m Batman, Justice called.” Clark chuckled, clicking on his pen. “Yes, right, of course.” His eyes caught movement from the corner of his eye and he spotted a woman in a beautiful red dress walking past the window. Before he turned his attention back to his interviewer, a light illuminated the sky. Bruce stood. “Sorry to cut it short again, old friend, but duty calls.” He gestured to the light in the sky before rushing out, coincidentally after the woman. Clark rolled his eyes, packing together his things. “Once a playboy always a playboy.” He murmured, slinging the bag over his shoulder, but before he could walk about Bruce arrived again, hair disheveled, and shirt askew. “Sorry about that,” he murmured, rubbing a hand over his face. “Gordon needed some aid but Robin had it handled.” Clark let his eyes drift only a second over Bruce’s appearance before looking away and taking a seat again. “Robin…” he agreed. “Right. Is that her name?” He muttered quietly, smiling to himself as he dug through his satchel for his pen, missing the smug look the playboy sent him. 

“Ollie!!!!” Oliver Queen grinned, turning to face the overly high pitched male voice calling his name. “Brucie!! It’s been too long!” Bruce laughed, falling into his arms in a hug, voice dropping back to his normal baritone. “It really has been, glad to see you.” Oliver smiled warmly. “I am so pleased to see you too, these Galas get so boring.” Bruce chuckled, eyes scanning the crowd of party goers. “Well, you’re always welcome to seek me out at these sorts of things bud, except when I’m working to save the city.” Oliver chuckled, taking a sip of his champagne. “So true.” He agreed. “You’re doing a great job at it too, man.” Bruce smiled wanly. “Thanks. It’s hard work though. Wayne Enterprises in the mornings,” his voice dipped low. “Saving the Gotham citizens as Batman at night.” Oliver choked on his drink, laughing. “Exactly!” Bruce grinned back, almost triumphant. His eye caught some movement at the corner of the dance floor and both men turned, spotting his third oldest son, flicking his wrist in a certain movement. Bruce’s eyes darkened. “Alright Ollie, it was nice catching up, but Justice calls: Gotham needs me.” Oliver chuckled. “Right on.” 

A week later Oliver and Clark once again found themselves chilling in the main den, complaining about the difficulties of keeping their secret identities secret. Batman walked in, listened for two seconds, and promptly groaned. “I told you,” he complained. “Just tell them!” “It’s not that easy! And that defeats the whole purpose of keeping it a secret!” Oliver argued back. Batman looked at him. “I did it. To both of you actually.” Clark snorted. “Yeah right.” Batman turned to him. Suddenly his voice changed pitches. “Mr. Kent! So pleased to see you, sorry to have run out on you earlier, but well! Justice calls, oh, but Robin handled it!” Clark paled. Batman turned to Oliver. His voice went even higher. “Ollie!! It’s been too long my friend, but we’ll have to chat some other time you know how it is, Justice calls!” Oliver turned a strange shade of white. “See?” Batman- no Bruce Wayne said with a smirk. “Easy.” Back at home in the Batcave, the batkids were losing their minds. 

(Yes they placed bets)

THE IAN GUNTHER REFF IS CRAZY- but yes I need dick getting volunteered to go to the Olympics by literally everyone but bc he’s the only one refusing to he doesn’t go, but Tim posting it is something I can see very clearly in my head^^

In universe, Dick Grayson's equivalent of Bruce dropping out of med school is absolutely everyone demanding to know why he didn't go to the Olympics with his gymnastics abilities.

Love this reminder Bruce is a terrible dad^^ I need more of this:3

Also everything in this is perfect and I love it.

Bruce Wayne, mentor to many- father to none.

I want the angst of B having to come to terms that he doesn't know ANY of his kids not anymore at least and maybe never and the fact his kids are just- used to it?

Visiting Dicks apartment, he finds a picture of him smiling while surrounded by a bunch of little kids in spandax uniforms. Turns out he'd been a gymnastics instructor for about four years now and his most recent team had everyone qualify for state. (Bruce didn't even know he still practiced)

Jason stopped accepting Wednesday night patrols, but when he looked into it he found out that was the night he went to DND nights with his roommates every week. The roommates he met last semester after he decided to go to college and get an english major. (Bruce didn't even know he had applied)

Checking the library he found a small pedastal plague put up by Alfred displaying just one book. It said Cass was the author. Apparently she had gotten super into writing and published a book talking about language deprivation and lack of accomidation for deaf/hoh children born to hearing families. She had a book signing last month, Alfred had gone and grabbed this copy now on display (Bruce didn't even know she liked to write)

Tim finished a case early and let it slip he needed to sign off early to "meet up with his boyfriends" and hung up before Bruce could process. It only took a small glance at his middle child's latest social media post to see him alongside Superboy (what was his name?) and a blonde boy he didn't recognize. Both were leaned in to kiss his cheek and the caption said "Happy 3rd anniversary!!" (Bruce didn't even know he was interested in boys)

Steph's birthday came around and Bruce got her a new account and shoved a couple thousand for her to buy whatever she wanted. But he quickly noticed a pattern of everyone getting her- cat supplies? Apparently She had adopted a cat about a month ago to celebrate her new apartment, Mister Mystery was his name, and she had asked everyone for supplies instead of other gifts. (Bruce didn't even know she had moved)

He decided on some impromptu father-son bonding and tries to track down his youngest. But Damian is nowhere to be found. He gets pretty close to calling an emergency meeting but the moment he messages Oracle she reminds him Damian is in Chicago. Damian had won an art competition at school and his piece qualified for a gallery spot. The entire family had gone days ago and he was due back the next day. (Bruce didn't even know he cared about art)

Then Duke- his youngest in terms of time spent. But one he had grown fond of just as fast as the others. Especially working the day shift the time they spent was limited. Bruce got them both lunch, but it wasn't until halfway through eating that Duke had turned to him with panicked eyes and asked if the stew had shellfish. Duke had a severe allergy, thankfully Jason had been just up the street and had an epi-pen ready before they took him to Leslies. (Bruce didnt even know he had any allergies, let alone one so severe)

The worst part? There was no blow up. His kids didn't take his idiocracy as a personal insult or even raise a fight. They just rolled their eyes and moved on. As everyone crowded in the room, surrounding Dukes bedside he could hear Barbras voice. "Its not your fault, Batman may be omnipotent, but Bruce doesn't know anything really"

He wasnt meant to overhear or maybe he was, Oracle had always been petty But he couldn't refute it.

"But you have us"

Well- thats just it wasnt it? Even when Bruce was absent- his kids had each other. But was that ever meant to be enough?

Loosing my shit over this. I love it.

Damian would be fully in charecter too and I think they could collectively successfully gasslight the hell out of everyone and then just continue it when B comes back behind his back so he doesn’t know how they convinced ppl it was normal(or maybe to the point they could hide Damian ever was the one who played Batman, I feel like if they wanted to they could lie to Batman and hide the evidence enough that he thinks dick covered for him and not his 10-14 year old)

"Dick should be Batman when Bruce is away/incapacitated" "Cas should be Batman then, she's best figher" "Jason is build similarily, so he should take the cowl when Bruce is out" .... Listen guys, the only real answer is the funniest one, which is that Damian, in all his 150cm (4.9 ft) glory should be Batman when Bruce is in space/away, with his siblings having all the fun acting as there is nothing different about Batman, or making up the craziest excuses to both villains and other heroes (who are not well aquainted with the batfam) as to why batman is like that.

"Why is Batman... small" "Small? He's not small, he's just far away." " He's standing right here." "That's what YOU think"

"I'm not crazy, Batman looks tiny" "He always looks like that, only you guys usually have concussion when you see him"

"Batman looks... different" "Okay I'm gonna be honest with you. He's molting." "Molting" "Well, he IS a bat" "Bats don't MOLT" "Not all bats." "I don't think that any bats molt" "I don't know what to tell you man, he's a bat, he's molting, and in a week or so he'll drop his smaller skin and be bigger and badder than ever"

"What happened to Batman?" "This is your lesson never to eat this vitamin gummies for kids as an adult"

I LOVE HIM HES AMAZING AND A LITTLE SHIT LIVE LAUGH LOVE DUKE

The Batkids are totally the sort that would start playing with a Ouija board in some abandoned warehouse post patrol or even in their haunted house base of operations and then scream in a panic/collapse/grab onto the nearest sibling because the board just informed them a spirit was present before Bruce silently turned up out of the shadows.

For his part Bruce's very alarmed because he wanted to ask if they wanted him to go pick up some pizza or something. Duke can't stop laughing because he's been manipulating shadows to freak them out and was fully aware that Bruce was about to turn up.