I Just Had The Most Surreal Experience

I just had the most surreal experience

~~~

My kiddos, having some free time in class with music playing: Ms. C, can you play that rock song?

Me: The huh?

My kiddos: The rock song!

Me: The??? What???

*About 10 minutes later, after finally giving up on attempting to solve what the heck they meant, the “rock song” cycles through the playlist*

The song in question, you ask? This:

Well if it’s his fault and not mine… 😂

My blood sugar has been consistently spiking around 8:30-9:00pm for the last week (at least??) and I keep thinking my pump would for sure have recognized and adjusted for that by now but it just keeps happening 😫 I’m doing really well mental-health-wise not having to micro-manage my blood sugar but I was doing a lot better numbers-wise when I was!

It has gotten to the point for me where it still hits me in waves, but the waves are reallllllllly spread out

I used to go a couple days, a couple weeks- now I’m trending on 6+ months of doing great and then this feeling just hits me and it’s like I get whiplash because “okay, there’s still more feelings to deal with with that’s apparently”

because I want to not feel that way so bad that when it’s gone for a bit I just convince myself I’m passed it

And then it hits me

i'm not doing okay.

i think something no one talks about enough is the grief you go through when you're diagnosed with something.

it's that realisation moment.. that no matter how much you study, how hard you push yourself, how hard you want to be normal and fit in- it just won't happen, you know?

this week, the grief, the pain, everything has just hit me extra hard.

the grief of not being able to work in the career i studied & got degrees for, the grief of not having friends and enjoying my twenties like i always dreamed of as a child, the grief of being the older sibling and yet being the one whose crumbling, the grief of my family giving up on me ever becoming something, the grief of watching the difference of how my family view me, the grief of always holding other people back, the grief of my illness being more in control of my actions than my wishes.

i'm twenty five this year,

and i have nothing to show for it, you know?

& that won't change. i can't do anything to help it.

i've spend this past week in panic attacks, just watching the days roll into the next. i relapsed, more than once- and i just don't feel anything anymore, you know?

because why should i give myself the right?

what have i done?

i feel like i put more bad in the world than good,

like i'm a plague that just can't be cured & left alone to rot.

i'm sorry if i don't respond to anything, or seem a little off, or if this post even upsets you in anyway. it wasn't my intention, i just needed to vent, to get everything out of my head for once.

i hope you enjoy my scheduled content.

Ed Gamble: Blood Sugar (2019)

My blood sugar has been consistently spiking around 8:30-9:00pm for the last week (at least??) and I keep thinking my pump would for sure have recognized and adjusted for that by now but it just keeps happening 😫 I’m doing really well mental-health-wise not having to micro-manage my blood sugar but I was doing a lot better numbers-wise when I was!

😍

Hi! If possible, can I please get a autistic Fluttershy with a Dexcom G6 and Omnipod (Type one diabetes medical devices), preferably with some sort of message about disability pride? I would like to use it to make a pin for my bag. Thank you!

Hope this fits your needs!!-- mod Charm