I Don't Really Know What Kind Of Girl I Am

I don't really know what kind of girl I am

It doesn't matter whether or not I think I'm disordered. It doesnt matter if I want to be skinny or not. It doesn't matter if I think I'm unloveable fat because I just keep eating. I'm like a dog. I treat myself like garbage when I eat. I am doing so well I have to stay consistent. And if I keep acting like nothing I do matter then I have nothing. Everything I do matters. Writting this matters. If I think I'm disordered I gotta fucking act like it. If I think I am skinny I gotta fucking act like it. I can't be so quick to throw myself to temptations. I have to grow an idea of self control. I have to be the control. I am the control. The only one who choses to bother my coworkers for food is me. The only one who allows myself to think about food is me. I have to be better. Be the girl the world deserves. Be the girl my wife deserves. Be the person I deserve. 

I'm a girl not a dog.

I'm a girl not a pig.

I'm a girl not a garbage disposal.

I'm a girl not a glutton.

watching the same abuse my mother put on me on my sister and feeling powerless against it is so belittling i'm a terrible big sister

nobody cares how pretty your face is if you’re fat.

or at least that’s what i’ve learned

𝐖𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦

𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐘

All I want is to be loved [and to be underweight]

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