The Absolutely Banged Indeed~

The absolutely banged indeed~

👌 is airship an option~? 💕

Bang?

They kinda already did~

Gotta ask 'cos.. curious. Why d'you call Row "Gummy Bear"?

“Heheh, well, ya see... Rowan’s hot, red ectobody and lovely flavor reminds me of gummy bears. I’ve a bit of a sweet tooth. I’d gladly nibble and get a taste of him any day~”

Head Canon: Losing Lucid

Since Lucid’s soul “belongs to the Void”, what if even he’s killed/dusted, he revives back in the Void again? His Soul and body takes damage whenever that happens and he becomes “more apart of the Void” each time. Like he is losing himself and memories disappear each time he dies.

I am tentatively returning to my main blog. My underswap blog is going to remain inactive for the foreseeable future (possible to change). I want to thank those of you that reached out to me, comforted and encouraged that I take time away. It was something I badly needed. I did write a short explaination as to my leaving but I’ll elaborate more.

What lead up to my leaving?

Depression. Honestly the main reason, plain and simple. Mentally and emotionally it has been a struggle since last summer with no longer being able to work due to a chronic illness and other illnesses. I am now currently reliant on my family for support and it not only hurts my pride, but takes a blow mentally with “I am supposed to be supporting myself and thriving by now”. And the reality is I cannot currently.

Illness. I have good days, I have bad days. Mine has affected my just about every part of my body. I have physical pain constantly, and there are days where the pain can extend to a week or so. Sleeping is one of the ways I handle the pain, I sleep A LOT. And when I’m awake, I do not want to spend every waking moment online. I have other irl things I want and need to attend to.

Anxiety. Yes I’m diagnosed with it, have been for 8 years. It chokes you, it freezes you up or makes you want to run away from stressful situations. I had been putting off my characters and stories and rp interactions that it got to the point where I would feel a panic rising inside. It was easier to step away than “fix the mess”. Fan blogs are supposed to be fun. Interacting with others should be relaxing and fun. I was in a mental spiral because I no longer felt that security and comfort.

Dislike for my own artistic abilities. I am not that great at cartooning. But I began to believe that others were holding expectations of me to continuously churn out art and creating. That I HAD to create here or else I was letting my followers down. I’ve been struggling with liking and even attempting to create anything since my senior year of college. I was chastised by my professor who was supposed to be supporting and guiding me in my last semester for MY art show. Instead she said everything I produced was “wrong”. That I was a fine artist, not an illustrator. Nothing I made was even remotely satisfactory to her. The same was with the other two students in the class. We all had to kiss ass and do whatever the hell she deemed “correct” in creating art. We were all miserable. I graduated in tears and a feeling like I was not good enough to be an artist or even try to continue in the art field. “After you graduate, you never have to touch art again.” That was her advice in the end. I was on year 5 of being undiagnosed with a chronic illness and believing the problems I was having was because of me being a failure. It was a fight to survive college entirely, and that last year knocked the wind out of me. I put other people’s expectations above my own when it comes to art. It’s something I’m still struggling to get better with mentally and it will not happen overnight.

Covid. The world is facing a pandemic. We are ALL being effected by it. There are people from my childhood that have died. My uncle likely had it early on but thankfully recovered. My parents are older and I have a compromised immune system. We are literally in the high risk percentile and going out even to the grocery store has me fearful. That stress is each and every time we have to leave the house.

My dad is sick. His health is declining with age and my mother and I have seen it over the last two years. It’s harder for him to talk at times, to remember things. He also had hip surgery recently and could barely walk by June. His surgery was put off from spring time due to covid. This is not easy for me to watch. And it’s harder for my mom. I’m trying to be there for her more and to help him out with tasks. I cannot be online as much when I am focusing on irl issues that demand my attention.

Fandom drama. While I don’t participate in it, I see it plenty. If friends are involved in it I worry and try to keep up with what’s happening. I want to support them if the topic is really bothering them, but drama is hella exhausting. I don’t want to come online knowing the environment is only going to stress me out.

Seeking a new life path. With my chronic illness, I’ve come to accept that I cannot pursue my lifelong dream career or live where I was happiest. The job was too physically demanding in which I could not meet quota, and where I lived was far too hot and humid for my body to handle. I had collapsed once prior and had several near collapses. While living back with parents again, I’ve had to replan and rethink my life. What am I going to pursue now? Do I take new courses? Where do I find internships or volunteer opportunities that will benefit me towards a new career? Now add COVID restrictions on top. The US is currently sitting at 5,400,00+ cases since this started. My state has 83,000+ cases thus far. My county alone has 1,500+ cases. And things are not slowing down. People have been let go or furloughed from their jobs. 600+ teachers in one school tested positive with the virus last week. Schools and colleges that opened are now rapidly closing. I won’t be getting even a taste of a possible new career hands on for a very, very long time. I learn best in-person and hands on. Currently I’m still looking at online courses, however my topic of interest is very hands on. So courses are extremely slim finding.

So why am I telling this publicly? Because apparently there are people that cannot understand why I have disappeared for periods of time and why I did not go into depth about wtf was going on IRL. I do not owe a single person my private life matters. If I say, “It’s been hard” or “I needed time away”, that does not automatically mean “I am avoiding you for something better”. Or that I don’t want to hang out with you. I am an introvert and very private person. I do not like dumping my lifes problems on others because I damn well know we are all going through more shit than usual right now all across the world.

I have been aggressively and passive-aggressively approached by others for being away. For not responding within a week, a couple days, or even within a day. I have irl things going on as do you. I am not going to assume the worst out of a person simply because they do not respond quickly. It was everything listed above and the negative confrontations that drove me away. The last one being on my birthday. I was with my parents and wanted to focus my time with them. In the evening I’d check back here to send out thank you’s and catch up on any chats I had missed. I had also been out of cell range which prompted me to put my phone away and decided not to come back to it for a while. Honestly I was disheartened and exhausted to come back to a passive-aggressive remark about not responding soon enough for their taste. I finally had enough with the stress listed above and said “fuck tumblr. I’m out.”

If you’ve taken the time to read all of this or even skim it, thank you. I hope this clears up why I’ve been gone, why I left, and why I am tentative to return at all. I miss the positive interactions I had here prior. I miss seeing my friends works and supporting them. But I will be going at my own pace. I don’t expect people to be there for me in every waking moment, as I should not have to expect to do the same for others. Nor should anyone have to explain themselves to finite detail as to why they need time away or do not respond quickly. We are all going through shit, more than usual for most. Give a little curtesy and don’t be so quick to assume the problem is you.

Well here’s my take on the Gsans version of Underswap.

Fun Facts on Rowan:

- Nickname is Row

- Works as a ferryman (heavily based upon the swap of Gaster being the Riverperson in Underswap)

- His brother is R!Papyrus, a combination of Underswaps Riverperson Scientist and Swap Papyrus

- Rowan is referred to as the “Soul Taker” among monsters. They believe he is the one that ferries monsters into the afterlife. When in reality, all Row wants to do is give people a lift and be a helpful fellow citizen.

- It’s his brother that is the real “Soul Taker”.

- Rowan LOVES coffee.

- The pipe he smokes is actually a scent diffuser.

- Rowan regularly talks and listens to Echo flowers.

- He wears this really pointless poncho-cape thing that’s too short for any real use. But it is one of his favorite wardrobe peices.

- Rowan was originally created on Sunday 03/22/2020 and was shared on a friends Discord server. But with the flood of G!Swap art on tumblr, I held off on posting him till now.

More random doodles, this time featuring Chara and Sky from my Underswap Story “Fallen Sky”. Also a random Swap Paps and my Gsans Lucid.