I Think I've Determined That I Don't Really Create Things.

I think I've determined that I don't really create things.

My dad builds with wood. I build with Legos. My dad can and has built with Legos, but he prefers wood because it offers more freedom. I'm able to understand that, but if you give me a block of wood and tell me to build something, I won't know where to start - I don't know how to make it do what I want it to. My dad, of course, would build a nightstand before the hour's up. He always explains it to me by saying he's "building his own Legos."

That kind of freedom has always bugged me - the freedom of an infinite number of possibilities. I sort of fold under that pressure. When I have a very specific set to start with, I can make a lot out of that, because it's essentially just putting two and two together. But when I start with an empty canvas, I draw a blank.

It's for this reason that I can't choose what color I want to use, or draw an organic shape (aka not a line/circle), or cook, or compose music; all of that comes up as an infinite set in my brain. I can't do anything with that. I can't create my own things. Now, if someone gives me some pieces to work with - a color palette, or a set of instruments - I can work with that.

I've never really created anything. Everything I've ever made is a collection of pieces made by someone else. And while all this may sound self-demeaning, it gives me great freedom to know that I can construct things.

The difference here is logic. When I'm given tools to work with and blocks to put together, I can say to myself, "This goes with this, that goes with that. It makes sense this way." I can't make sense of infinity, but I can make sense of a collection of parts. But in order for me to do my work, someone has to do the creating.

You could argue that this is the very definition of creation, but I would argue that it's a very limited creation at best, to not be able to build my own Legos. But I sure can throw those Legos together.

I am not a creator. I am a constructor. And now that I know this, I am perfectly okay with it.

Note to self: Start bringing hot chocolate in the mornings more often.

Is 2014 here yet?

I have mixed feelings about this past year.

There have been a lot of good things that happened over the year. I greatly appreciate those, and will look back on them with fondness as I go throughout my life. But I can't quite say that about the year in sum, as there have been so many bad things that happened; maybe they don't outweigh the scope of the good things, but they definitely outweigh the number of them. Even the good things have had strings attached...

Whatever the case, 2013 has been a long, stressful rollercoaster for me, and has well overstayed its welcome. At first I enjoyed the length that each day seemed to drag on for, as it meant I was getting more time out of each moment. I'm not feeling that way anymore... Everything is soooooo sloooooooowwww. I can't deal with the waiting game and the "wow it feels like ten but it's only six" anymore. Can't I have a normal day? Not incredibly short, not incredibly long, just a day where an hour actually feels like an hour. What makes all this worse is that most of the people I talk to say that the year flew by for them (except my dad, who's been having the same problem).

So I'm done with 2013. I'll treasure my few memories of the year like I would any other memory, but it can go away now.

2014 seems like it will be a good year. I can't really pinpoint anything to look forward to, but I have high hopes for some inexplicable reason. I've felt this way since the decade started. Let me don my psychic abilities for a second: something is going to happen that will rock my world (in a good way), and numerous other nice things will happen, but at the cost of one thing that I'll forever look back on with dissatisfaction.

Maybe that'll happen? I dunno. But I really want to figure out. And 2013 isn't going to go out politely, I bet.

Even when I have a class I actually enjoy... Tuesdays are still so slow... Ugh, I hate Tuesdays.

^_^

The dumbest answer

Q: Why do people walk slower when it's cold?

A: Because all the water in our bodies is frozen.