Overcoming Invalidation

Overcoming Invalidation

Invalidation communicates that your thoughts, beliefs, values, or appearance are wrong or incorrect. When thinking of invalidation, it’s important to remember the possibility of it being dialectical: it can be both helpful and painful. 

When is invalidation helpful? 

When it corrects unfactual information and/or mistakes

When it opens your mind to other perspectives and boosts personal growth

When is it painful? 

When you’re being rejected or neglected

When something factual in your life is being denied or overlooked

When personal experience is trivialized or disregarded

When someone treats you as less than equal 

When someone repeatedly misunderstands you 

When someone misreads your intentions or misinterprets your actions

When you’re telling the truth and others don’t believe you

So, what do you do when you’re invalidated? 

Validate yourself the same way you would validate a loved one. 

Check the facts. Are your responses to the situation in line with the facts? 

Check with someone else whom you can trust to validate the valid.

If your response doesn’t fit the facts, acknowledge this. 

Also, acknowledge when your reactions make sense and are valid.

Work to change any invalid thinking patterns, actions, or statements. 

Remember that blaming a person rarely helps and try to let go of blame.

Be compassionate towards yourself. Practice self-soothing. 

Drop judgmental self-statements and practice opposite action.

Remember: all behavior is caused. Also, remember that you are doing the best that you can do at any given point in time.

Admit that it’s painful to be invalidated by others (even if it’s right).

Remember that being invalidated, while painful, is rarely a catastrophe.

Enter a supportive environment.

Grieve any traumatic invalidation and whatever harm may have resulted. 

Practice radical acceptance of those who have invalidated you. 

One time there was an actual physical fight on the Congress floor. At the Congress Hall in January 1798 when Federalist vs Democratic-Republican tensions were at a peak, Representative Matthew Lyon of Vermont, a “die-hard” Republican, began to mock the “aristocratic sympathies” of of Roger Griswold, a Federalist from Connecticut. Griswold then taunted Lyon for his alleged cowardice during the American Revolution and when Griswold turned around, Lyon spat right in his face. Rage went higher and Griswold got his hickory cane and proceeded to lunge at Lyon with it, hitting him several times because Lyon was able to retaliate by grabbed a pair of fire tongs and attacking Griswold back. Two members of Congress ended up fighting on the floor like “common ruffians”. 

Game of Groans. Everyone fights with Dad jokes. You are single man who finds himself transported to this world.

Me, two minutes ago: *intense feelings*

Me, now: *no feelings present. unsure if there were ever feelings*

When Emotions Fit the Facts

Anger:

A significant goal is blocked or an activity you desire is prevented.

You or a loved one is attacked or harmed by others.

You or a loved one is bullied or threatened by others.

The integrity or status of your social group is offended or threatened.

Love:

Loving a person, place, or animal enhances your quality of life.

Loving a person, place, or animal enhances the life of a loved one.

Loving a person, place, or animal supports the achievement of a goal.

Sadness:

You’ve lost someone or something permanently.

A situation doesn’t meet your expectation or desire.

Fear:

Your life or the life of a loved one is threatened.

Your health or the health of a loved one is threatened.

Your well-being or the well-being of a loved one is threatened.

Disgust:

Something you’re touching could poison or contaminate you.

Someone you strongly dislike is touching you or a loved one.

You’re near someone who could harm you or a loved one.

Jealousy:

An important or desired relationship/object is in danger of being damaged or lost.

Someone is threatening to take away a valued object or relationship from your life.

Envy:

Someone else gets or has things you don’t have but want or need.

Shame:

You will be rejected by a person or group you care about it something about yourself or your behavior is made known.

Guilt:

Your behavior violates your own values or moral code.

Source: (x)

Mindfulness of Others

Your relationships will last longer if you are mindful of the other person.

Observe: 

Pay attention to those around you. Stay curious, attentive, and interested. 

Listen to the other person and practice GIVE even if you aren’t interested in what they’re saying.

Don’t multitask; give your friends your full attention when with them.

Remain in the present. Listen without planning what to say next.

Let go of focusing on yourself.  

Be open and willing to hear new information from the other person.

Notice any judgments you have and let them go. (Nonjudgmental)

Describe: 

Replace judgment with description. Focus on fact, not opinion.

Don’t assume or interpret what others are thinking. Check the facts. Ask questions. Remember that you aren’t a mind reader.

Avoid questioning other’s intentions, unless you’re given factual reason to.

Give other people the benefit of the doubt. Remember: everyone’s doing the best they can.

Participate: 

Interact with the people around you. Full participate.

Go with the flow; let go of control in the conversation.

Remain in the present. Pay close attention to the activity at hand and the conversation taking place. (One-mindfully)

Source: DBT Skills Training and Worksheets, Second Edition (x)