shirriven

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let's talk about things (fr|eng)

181 posts

Words I Want To Say. Hhj

➳ words i want to say. hhj

pairing: hwang hyunjin x gn!reader (ft. han jisung)

in which hyunjin decides to tell you the words he wants to say through voice messages. // wc: 2.1k

genre/s: angst, there's fluff in there if u squint (how the tables have turned), best friend / childhood friend hyunjin, unrequited love

warning/s: some swears but not excessive, hyunjin had a bad headspace for a while, fights (remembering), mentions of somewhat obsessive behavior

note: this is just something i've been wanting to write for a while! the vm concept was inspired by The Recovery Files Series by @thepixelelf, so go check out that one too^^

⌦ Voice 001

Hmm...

Should I just write it? Ah… what am I doing? This is so awkward— it’s okay! It's all good. I can do this!

Well… maybe not. But I have to anyway. Why did I decide to record it first again? Stupid. The assignment is written.

…

Hyunjin— just record what you want to say so you can rewrite it easier later.

Test, test… God, I'm getting cold sweat from this. Why am I so nervous?

So… okay. Psychology 325, Project— what? Did I just blank out from that? Ah, whatever.

Let’s just start over.

...

⌦ Voice 002

Psychology 325, Project “Words I Want To Say”. Entry by Hwang Hyunjin.

… Okay that’s funny. I didn’t need to say that. I’m just gonna rewrite this on a document file anyways.

But words I want to say… to whom? Damn it— I forgot to pick one. Just use whatever comes to mind.

…

Should I talk about Y/N?

This— this won’t be sent out right? The worst that could actually happen is just Professor Lee reading about it.

Yeah, that’ll do. Let me start over—

⌦ Voice 003

Hi, Y/N. This is Hyunjin. I know I’m not actually talking to you right now, or will you ever read this— well, unless my psych professor betrays me and forwards the final paper to you. Hopefully not.

… Do I include that in the final version? Nevermind, leave that to future me.

As I was saying, what I’m doing right now is for a psych class assignment. Professor Lee said to write a letter full of words we want to say. He didn’t exactly elaborate about what or whom, but I think that’s the point. You were the first thing that I thought of, so here are the things I want to say to you.

…

And there’s a lot more than you think—

⌦ Voice 004

Sorry about that. I was holding my phone and I guess the nerves got to me. I know you know I dropped it. You always did say I dropped things often.

And you were right. The other guys never pointed it out though. Maybe they haven’t noticed like you do… I guess that’s what made us best friends.

…

Best friends, huh.

Is— is that all in the past now? Cause I still can't believe it…

… It was only like yesterday that we were still heading out to get something to eat whenever all our classes ended for the day. How many years was that our routine? From what I remember, we started it in 4th grade.

Wow… 4th grade. Time flies so fast, huh? We used to be so small— and now we’re in college. Do you remember back when we first entered high school? You cried right after we got home because you didn’t want to grow up yet. But look at you now…

I’m proud of you.

Did I tell you that? I don’t think I ever did. And I regret that so much. More than you will ever know— more than you'll never know.

…

Y/N, what happened to us?

...

⌦ Voice 005

Ah… I got too emotional. I think I get why we had to do this now or maybe it’s just me. How could I not feel anything?

… After all, it’s you.

You know, there was never a time in my life where I imagined myself to be without you. From the moment I was born, you were already right there beside me. I always used to think that just like our moms, we’d be by each other's sides until we grew old.

And, well, looking at our current situation, it didn’t quite work out like I wanted after all.

…

I hate it. So much. How I’m even getting through the days— I don’t know myself.

It’s torture for me, Y/N. I miss you so much, and I can’t believe it’s my fault.

… Are you feeling the same way?

Tch. Probably not. You have that stupid boyfriend of yours. What? I know I’m right. You’re probably out there having a cute little date with— what’s his name? Han Ji whatever.

That’s what I always heard from you anyways. Ji this, Ji that. He’s not even my friend, and yet I hear his nickname more than I hear mine. Do you even remember it? You used to call me Hyune by the way. Just reminding you.

Now it’s just Hyunjin.

…

I’m sorry. I know this is so unfair to Ji whatever. He never did anything to me, and yet all I do is blame him for everything.

I don’t even know why—

⌦ Voice 006

For fucks sake, why do I keep getting cut off? My phone battery died. I didn’t even notice because I was so focused on this recording thing.

…

But, I guess it was a good thing for it to die on me at that moment. I was starting to not think straight again. The last time that happened, we— yeah. This short break gave me some time to think about what I really wanted to say while waiting for my phone to have enough battery.

In the last message, I was going to say that I didn’t know why I was blaming Jisung so much— right, I remembered his name now. Could you at least be proud of me for this?

… Thank you. I can’t hear you right now, but I know you’d acknowledge my efforts. Those years of us being friends aren’t for nothing to me, you know? I think I can say that I know you well enough. You’re the same for me.

Actually— I think you might know me better than I do myself. And while I know other people would find that annoying, the thought was quite comforting to me. That someone cared enough for me to know me more than I did.

Yeah. That.

You were my comfort, Y/N.

Always there for me, even in times where you really didn’t need to. Of course— I did that for you as well. Anything and anytime you want me to. I’d do it if it was for you. To me, you were my other half. And I loved it.

I loved you.

…

That was why I blamed Jisung for breaking us apart.

He— he was never in the future I created for ourselves. And I know that’s where it went all wrong. I really should’ve…considered chances of us having significant others. But I didn’t— no.

I refused to.

Just the mere thought horrified me beyond belief. I wanted us to be… well, only us. I was selfish. An absolute fool. A madman in love.

I had my own wonderland inside of my head. And I kept the thought of you as a prisoner.

It was ridiculous Y/N. I can’t even believe I did that.

…

But I’ve changed. And still changing. Truthfully, I’m not saying that for you to come back to me. I’m saying this for myself. Hwang Hyunjin has thought of his actions and its consequences, and is now working on changing himself for the better.

I— I don’t care if you don’t believe me because I’m not pleading with you to. I’m not even gonna ask for your forgiveness, because I know it’s not my right to tell you how to feel.

But I want to at least explain. For me, and for your peace of mind.

...

⌦ Voice 007

Should I start from when I realized I liked you? Yeah, then I’ll just progress from there.

Hmm…I think it was middle school. 2nd Year. It was that day when you were rejected by the first crush you ever confessed to. I remember how sad you were and had the instant thought to beat up that person. I never did it by the way, in case you’re worried. I may have jammed his locker a bit, but that’s about it. You wouldn’t want me in trouble.

Going back to that event, I honestly thought I was thinking about it from a brotherly light. It didn’t last long though— cause I also told myself that I could be a much better boyfriend to you. Brotherly light my ass, what kind of brother wants to date their sibling?

… You know what, don’t answer that. At all.

Anyways— that was when I realized I did like you in that way. As to when I exactly started liking you…I don’t know. Maybe it was just something that developed over the years.

By now I think you’re wondering why I never confessed to you, am I right?

Uh… It’s quite an underwhelming answer actually. As cliche as it is, I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I did want to try, but it was so obvious you didn’t see me in that light—

Oh God, now my previous actions just sound silly now. How did that not stop me from making some kind of imaginary world? Maybe I do need help. Changbin’s good at giving advice, maybe I can talk to him.

You do know Changbin right? He’s friends with Jisung as well. It’s funny how we have multiple mutual friends but we’ve barely interacted. I guess that’s just how the world works sometimes.

…

Speaking of Jisung— it’s time to talk about that isn’t it?

That night.

… I’ll tell you my point of view. And— I hope it can give you clarity.

I remember you coming over to my apartment after your last class. Normally, we would be getting food by then, but I had a massive headache that morning and decided to skip everything I had that day. Granted, my headache was already long gone by the time you arrived… So that really doesn’t excuse what I did next.

I was so glad to see you. After being sick, all I wanted was to be with you. To talk to you about your day…

Yet, all I heard was about Jisung.

And maybe it was valid. He was your day, the current sun in your life. If I could love you, why couldn’t you be in love with him too?

That’s what I think of now. Back then— not so much.

Jisung was definitely a sun. For you, it was positive. He lit up your days, and became the light you had in dark times. But for me… it was nothing short of negative.

He was a source of light I had to constantly fight over. A burning sensation that left me to suffer with the pain.

If he was the sun, I was the moon.

So close, yet still the one being pushed aside.

Hearing about him made me so mad. Each mention of him clawed at my heart and released my deepest insecurities. And that’s why I ended up yelling at you that night.

…

I just wanted it to stop hurting.

That, maybe if I did that, you’d finally see me too. Maybe you’d see how much pain I was in before I realized it myself, just like before.

But instead— I ended up hurting you.

I said too many unnecessary things. Words that were formed from my hatred and boiled from the heat of the moment. And at some point, I ended up hating you too.

Hating you was never an option I considered. You were an angel to me. And I was that human you liked enough to be blessed by your presence.

Now, I’ve come to the realization that you were human too. Just like me. That I was once again putting you on a pedestal for myself.

Who knows, maybe my love for you isn’t even love— though that might just completely break me for good.

…

I don’t hate you. I know that’s the last thing I told you before we stopped all contact, but I don’t.

At that moment, I guess part of me did resent you for hurting me. But it wasn’t just your fault. I also fanned the flame that would roast me alive on my own accord.

That’s why I’m so sorry for putting all the blame on you. I now understand the barrier you put between us. I'm the best friend, but he's your significant other. That being said, I'm sorry for all I’ve said about Jisung too.

As much as I hate to admit it, he’s a great guy from what I’ve heard.

…

That’s all I have to say, really. I do feel a lot lighter now having done this. I know— hmm. I was planning to not send this to you at all, but maybe I will now.

You deserve closure as well.

…

I hope you live your life to the fullest. I’ll try to do that now too. Maybe one day our paths will cross again. By then, let’s be better versions of ourselves, yeah?

Thank you, Y/N.

For everything.

These are the words I want to say to you.

...

This voice message has ended.