Let's

Let's

Archive #18 | copyright to saturnfairycat

Author's Note: hey, didn't I tell you to let go? (enjoyy)

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Let's

Paint me, Like I have never seen art before. If I didn't know what beauty was, How would you describe it to me? I don't know what love is, The affection is confusing. Language is spoken through the absorption of emotion. If it sinks into my skin, Would I make you uncomfortable? If it was lingering in the air, Would you hold your breath?

Thousands of thoughts and not one original, To my sane and reflection. Does our heart sync when I crush My feelings into crested moons? Is love pain? What is pain? Would you show me if I had asked for it? If hoarding became my plate, Would you still feed me?

Let me, Let me go, Let me love, Let me suffer, Let me love, Let me go, Let me.

Sweet nothings is my addiction, Would you whisper into my deaf ear? Sing me good night when I cry. "Just because" Do I crave you or the imagination Giving me what I want through magic and wishes. I want you to read my mind, Living in there gets tiring. I wish you knew what I want, Is it hard to want more than just the bare? Minimum? What is the bare minimum? Magic is not real and so is my perception. Language is my addiction. Would you let me love?

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Pinewood

Archive #22 | copyright to saturnfairycat

Author's note: short one this one, but hope you enjoy!

Pinewood

---

We are nothing at all.

...

...

But,

I would still answer your call, Even if it was in the middle of the night, 10 past five in the morning, And you're in trouble.

I would drop the world that I cup in my hands to save you from the dark. But when I'm alone and it gets cold, And I asked you for matches, You don't even lend me one.

You say that my cheeks are red so I must be warm, But I'm sick of bleeding to stain their appearance.

If I was the last tree standing in a snowy embrace of forever winter, Would you still chop me down even if I provided you with shelter?

You're cold, you complain; I'm tired, I don't say.

Even as a strong tree, I will never get to see the day where my leaves welt, and my trunk's spirals are too many to count. For my roots will stay clinging to the soil,

While my branches' ashes are coughed out

From your lungs into the cold,

Still air.

The end of August

Archive [?] | copyright to saturnfairycat

Author's note: 'But I can see us lost in the memory August slipped away into a moment in time 'Cause it was never mine' - Taylor Swift --- I think we hyped up the song too much, it became a reality. Anyway, this month has been CRAZY for me. So many things happened. From new people, new experiences and memories, closer connections, loss of connections, drama, pain, challenges... it has been a thrilling fall of events. --- 'Wanting was enough For me, it was enough To live for the hope of it all' - Taylor Swift

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The End of August

~~~

August.

What a hell of a ride.

My most forgetful month, turned into one of the heaviest footprints in the snow.

So many emotions, so many stains on my white dress that I will never be able to wash out.

I am losing my childhood, I'm losing the fresh feeling of being a teenager.

At the end of August, I lost parts of me that I thought I would carry till it is lost in the back of my cluttered room of a mind. I lost parts of my safety net, how do I find the courage to fall now?

I can smell the old air, clinging onto my neck in desperation. My old perfume stuck to my uniform, my bushy hair swaying in the wind. Our glances, our secret lives, our moments that I know we will never spend in person.

My heart sank when I came to the realisation. This is it. The official start of my new life. My delusion mocks my misery at keeping everything at bay. Everybody is starting to move on, but I am still stuck in moments of everyone together that never happened.

The world is a shifting sand storm, a castle that needs restructuring. You cannot start a new life without the floor crumbling down beneath your feet first, how else are you supposed to start from the bottom and make your way to the top?

But my feet is sinking into the sand, it is hard to climb out and reach for the stars from here. I can only glance up and see you glancing at me.

So many unfinished words. So many bittersweet thoughts.

I have accepted, and I do not feel regret. But I ponder about what it would have been like if I did not leap without blowing kisses goodbye. I never left like goodbye, because I never said it to your face. Always thought it would be "see you soon", but I am left hanging as your castle had already crumbled.

I'm happy for you.

But you can't see my smile from the sidelines.

I can see your face from here, though. I saw it— that glance. You're clinging onto my old perfume, you don't even want to know what my new usual smells like. You're still pondering about the promised moments, I hope you can get a reflection elsewhere…. and it isn't my face that smiles back at you.

I'm happy for you.

You are my bittersweet acceptance, the final note of a violin symphony.

I only wish I was in your end credits, not the acknowledgements.

But I am happy,

…

Really.

You are my August, the reason for an unforgettable month.

Your Boathouse

Archive #21 | copyright to saturnfairycat

Author's note: Hi guys! Back to poems, hope you enjoy this one :)

Your Boathouse

I feel so close, and yet so far; I fear that my voice is caught behind the door. Latched to the door knob, panic strikes in me again; I struggle too hard, not finding my balance. Everything around me shakes except for the hard slam of the door.

I feel your warmth in my arms, But I feel so empty in the imaginary embrace. Through the door's window, I can see you on the other side. But can I, really? I hear the sound of waves crashing against the door; I wish I could just merely whisper to you: "Open the door," But I'm met with echoes of a key clicking, locking the question away. Silence as an answer serves as the final act of deliverance.

But why not?

Do you fear that the currents will send me away? Exertion is my strategy when it comes to connection; I long for you in my curious nature, the odd attraction draws me closer.

We know that we swim in different boats, But I'm willing to swim against the currents To sit in your boat for a little while. Leaving my ship unattended moments at a time, Back and forth each day from my boat to yours. My legs willingly carrying the burden of shame, My desperation in attempts of calming my inner child As you feed it glimpses of affection.

Somedays I fear that I may not have a boat to return to. How did I stray so far that I return back to the beginning? Looking through a glass window; a pigeon at heart. How many times do I slam against the glass Before I tell apart reality and my delusions? Would it be my heart or the window to shatter first? Piercing into my soul, breaking down your walls; I fear I only see segments of your cracked window. How long before you let me in through the door?

You let me onto your boat, But I only feel welcomed for so long Before you nudge me to swim with the flow. I'm young, through and through, But I still feel older than everyone I am surrounded by.

Am I a mere fish to your personification? An easy catch before throwing me back into the water? My lungs don't expand in your environment, But I saw the sun through your life. Returning to the water, it is darker down here. Sunlight is seen as a disadvantage when trying to hide in the big blue, But light is seen as an advantage in pure darkness.

Down in the depths, Are you just another anglerfish? At least consume my entire being, rather than just getting a taster. I can hold you, but for only a few forbidden moments.

One day, I will return to my boat, But only driftwood would be left for me. I dug this grave in this wooden pile, Splitters and all, As a reminder of my priorities. I raise my strained hand in longed hesitance.

Knock knock

The deathly silence leaves me slow dancing with my thoughts in the dark. The voices, they mock at my repetition. I fall beyond tired, Exhaustion is my excuse as the final act of deliverance. My legs cannot handle the weight of shame any longer.

I float above water, but the sun is too bright for my water skin. Sighing in my sleep, empty from your ghostly embrace. As I sink further into the depths, I raise my head to stare at your sunlight through the watery cracked window; You can't hear my knocks from here.

Being Vegan

Archive #23 | copyright to saturnfairycat

Author's note: yep... this one is definitely more intense than the rest. So it definitely deserves a debrief. Debrief: NSFW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I don't wanna be cancelled thank u). Warnings: gore, mentions of cannibalism, torture, strong imaginary. Probably 16+ MINIMUM. Anyway happy meal lmao

Being Vegan

-----------------------------------

I'm thirsty,

drowning in the sea of blood.

None of that quenches me, none of it satisfies me.

Fuck,

I'm so thirsty.

I need a beating heart,

a live one.

I'm hungry,

A pile of organs at my disposal, cursing me with famine.

Your heart on my platter,

I devour it whole like a cowardly beast whose starved beyond saving.

Starved?

I'm so starved.

Hold me,

for all the love in the world, hold me.

You are my last meal on death row, my last moments in heaven.

My bones ache at the emptiness I feel,

My marrow sucked dry from the greedy.

I wear your bite marks in my flesh like a jewel, a crown to behold.

The hunger never subsides, your skin never healed.

If I bore my eyes out for you,

Would you see your starved reflection as you stare?

Forget all olives that reside in your gardens,

Use them,

My eyeballs,

Pickled for your drinks.

I do not wish to waste,

For I will grow sick if I consume rotten meat.

But it is hard not to admire such beauty that your anatomy frames.

And I cannot refrigerate you, it will ruin the taste.

…

…

…

Am I going crazy?

This is beyond lust, beyond hunger.

For I cannot see a world without your eyes sewn shut.

Is this lifetime not for me?

I do not wish to be another guinea-pig, a test subject for-

A play,

An orchestra,

A script,

A role.

You are my crime, my will to live.

My bones ache because my sensitive teeth make me wince,

Sinking into your flesh,

Chipping my canines from biting into your hip bone.

I want to saw my skull in half,

Detach half of my brain,

and place one of your halves to fill the void.

I want to clench a fistful of your hair,

staring into your hollow eye sockets.

Does bruised skin taste different from fair skin?

I'm finished, I cannot move on.

Your nails dig into my intestines, twisting them to make me gag.

For gods sake, stop tormenting me.

I would devour you in a heartbeat,

But you would rather savour me;

My rotting flesh,

Cursing your tongue.

Are you not afraid of hunger, you starved animal?

Bite me, rip me, end me.

For I will love you, a thousand times over,

If it means I will have the last bite.

Alexithymia

Archive #27 | copyright to saturnfairycat

Author's note: poem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but I really focused on the structure for this one, as it is one of the many ways of conveying feeling. lemme know what you think! enjoy >:D

Alexithymia

-----------------------------

back then I couldn't remember the last time I was happy without trying to link it back to you.

every shining moment of mine was your stage and moment.

made me think that my life was taken over by someone who never truly tried to talk to me about me and how I impact their life.

empty words, empty promises, god and I was desperate falling for it all.

to imagine someone who was great with flaws was just broken, nothing more.

the inner thoughts I had when it came to your actions makes me curl up into a ball in disgust and shame.

how does one really mess up so badly it causes that much pain?

do you even get how that even works?

that reaction alone is scary enough as it is. you seem to know everything about trauma and bad bad things,

so tell me, if you're just a collector to all of them feelings,

and I am just your keeper of your unwanted feelings.

my present and future is looking at my past in such pity it's levelled to how I feel about you.

you ruined someone who tried to help you out,

gave all their patience, love and laughs,

for something that wasn't even recycled-

just waste.

like a floating useless oxygenated suit in space.

you know, one oxygen tank isn't enough to keep going just to get the same result every time.

the kindness, and emotions, I had before the consequences of being naive,

were wasted on such premature things.

I can't look at anything the same anymore.

no more butterflies, and no more pain.

I wished I had saved that bit of extra kindness, and patience, I had for myself.

that extra bit was like the best biscuit you left just for yourself.

that was the last time I was ever selfish,

and I regret it

so

so

much.

I can't even- set boundaries without seeming like the bad guy,

who wanted space

and to be loved just the very same.

if I had treated me like how I treated you, I would've been so much better,

as a person whose been through hell and probably more even later on.

I can't even get exposure from you because you wouldn't listen,

you can't even let me get closure for me because you couldn't get the same from those who you blamed.

so I sit in my room, reminiscence at what I would've been missing if it weren't for you.