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Evan 'Buck' Buckley x Fem!Reader
angst with a happy ending
summary: Reader gets shot on a job. When she flatlines on the way to the hospital, Buck is worried she won't make it out alive.
POTENTIAL TW
It was times like this that Buck wondered why he did what he did. Everyone was silent as they sat at the dinner table, no one bothered to try and say anything, no one looked up either. They all focused on their shiny black shoes, not having the courage to look up and see her empty chair.
He hears people say, "it all happened so fast," but when the shot rang out and watched the blood spread on her shirt, everything was in slow motion. The shot echoed in his ears. He was too shocked to scream as her body fell slowly to the ground. Realization hit when he felt her blood on his face, and everyone rushed to her aid. It was like someone shocked him, like he jolted awake from a nightmare. Only, when he woke up, she wasn't better.
"No..." He said. "No, no, no!" He screamed, rushing to her.
Bobby and Eddie held him back as he fought to get to her, Hen and Chim working with shaky hands.
"This can't be happening..." He whimpered.
She looked at him, a weak smile on her bloody face, blood pouring from her gut."It's okay. It'll be okay." She muttered fraily.
She nodded, as if trying to convince herself as well.
"Please- let me go!" He yelled desperately, "please! I need to go to her!" His eyes watered as he begged Bobby and Eddie to let him go.
They too were on the verge of tears, trying to hold them back for his sake. It wouldn't have made much of a difference, though, all his focus was on her.
Once they got her loaded into the ambulance, they let him go. He ran to her side and sat down. He took her hand, brushing the stray hairs that fell from her braid away from her eyes. She looked up at him with watery eyes, swallowing thickly because she knew it wasn't good. A bullet wound is supposed to hurt. It isn't good when it doesn't.
"Try not to move, okay?" He said shakily.
She nodded, squeezing his hand to assure him. She felt somewhat guilty that she was even trying when she knew she wouldn't make it to the hospital. She couldn't bring herself to lie to him, she couldn't find the words to tell him how much she loved him either.
"You're gonna be okay. You have to be." He said firmly, denial dripping from his tongue.
She shook her head. "No." She whimpered out. "I'm not."
He shook his head defiantly. "Don't say that. Say anything but that." He said, his voice cracking.
Hen and Chim had to choke back the words 'she's right', because they themselves didn't want to believe she wasn't going to be okay. They wanted to believe she'd be okay like Buck did.
"Okay." She said. "Then I need to tell you something. Before I don't have the chance. I-" She started.
But he cut her off with a shake of his head. "No, you can tell me when your better." He said.
They all knew what she was going to say, but no one said anything. Everyone, including each other, knew about their feelings for each other. Y/n was afraid of it all going sour, however, and she didn't have the courage to take the plunge and risk losing her best friend. Evan, he wanted to save them both the heartache in case it didn't last. Mostly himself, if he was honest. He knew they'd come back from it, but it'd never be the same. They didn't want to take that chance, and everyone thought it was stupid. Anyone with eyes could see they were crazy for each other. Absolutely head over heels.
"You can't leave me. Please don't leave me." He said desperately, tears streaming down his blood stained cheeks.
She reached up and wiped away his tears, her hand lingering when he leaned into her. "You'll be okay." She said sadly.
"No." He croaked. "I won't." He shook his head, placing his hand on hers.
"You'll have Maddie, Bobby, Chimney, Hen, Eddie, and Christopher. You'll be okay." She tried to convince him.
"But I won't have you." He whispered. "You can't give up yet. You have to fight." He said defeated.
"I'm so tired." She said weakly. "I'm sorry." She said, struggling to get the words out.
"I know it hurts-" He said, but she cut him off.
"It doesn't. It doesn't hurt." She whispered.
"Please, it's not supposed to end this way, I still need you. We still need you." He said.
She smiled weakly, wiping his tears once more. She gasped, her chest heaving, before she stilled, her eyes going blank. For a moment, her hand remained against his cheek, but he knew she was gone. Her smile faded, her mouth agape as blood spilled from the corners. Her hand fell, and Buck never knew silence could be so loud. The constant beep, the solid line, seemed to taunt them. Hen angrily shut it off. Chimney slowly took his hands from her wound where he attempted to stop the bleeding.
"No." Buck said, getting up and starting cpr.
He wasn't ready to give up on her. Henrietta shut her eyes tightly, fighting back tears of her own. Chimney shook his head, determined to see her smile again. To see them finally happy together. To see her in a white gown as he watched his best friends say their vows. To see little baby Buckleys running around with Jee-yun. He reached into her wound, closing off the source of the bleed. Hen sniffled as she turned the machine back on, the consistent beep sounding again. What was a taunt became motivation to them, and Buck continued to try recesutate her.
"C'mon..." He said. "C'mon!" He yelled desperately.
Tears mixed with the dried blood on his face, but he hardly noticed either. Hen tried not to look because seeing one of her best friends lay lifeless on the gurney, while another desperately tried to bring her back, would be too much. She knew that would break her. Break her faith in the job. She needed to try to remember why she did it instead of seeing a reason not to.
As Chimney ran beside the gurney, Hen filled in the doctors and nurses, but Buck didn't hear. He just heard a ringing in his ears, the gun shot echoing in his head. Her lifeless eyes stared back at him, the blood still spilling from her mouth. It gave him a little hope, though, because if she was totally gone she wouldn't be bleeding... right?
"Sir, we can take it from here." A nurse said, easing Buck from his position above her as he tried to get her heart beating again.
Chim was eased into paper blue covers as they rolled them into surgery.
They hadn't been ushered away yet. They could see nurses starting chest compressions and giving her O2. They could see the doctors gently ease Chim's hand from her wound. They could see the blood pour from the wound as a result. As the minutes droned on and her heart didn't start, he felt his own shatter.
It wasn't quick. It was slow. Painful.
Hen could see her blood spilling onto the floor. Her hope quickly diminished seeing the amount.
Finally, Buck could see her heart re-start and her chest rise, and he released a breath he wasn't aware he was holding.
Then, Buck finally broke down. He fell to his knees, sobbing. Hen knelt down with him, pulling him into her embrace, but it offered neither of them comfort. Bobby, Eddie, and Athena rushed to them.
Athena's face fell. "She flat lined. Didn't she?" She said sadly, defeated.
Hen nodded weakly. Eddie dropped to his knees, hugging Buck as well.
"I'm gonna get this son of a bitch." Athena growled, storming out of the trauma bay.
Bobby hung his head, unwillingly letting the tears fall. None of them could bring themselves to leave. None of them wanted to.
It wasn't until Chim finally returned, covered in blood, and said they wouldn't know anything for several more hours.
It took some convincing, but they finally got Buck to leave to finish his shift. But none of them truly left the ER.
Buck had an empty plate in front of him, but he couldn't bring himself to eat. Not when he saw her blank expression every time he closed his eyes.
Their families all came out to support them, the community coming together to put out candles and figures of good luck and healing, hoping and praying for the firefighter and her family and team. Praying for good news. The sight was bittersweet.
Buck couldn't stand the silence. He stood abruptly and left, heading to the locker rooms.
He had to choke back a sob. He didn't want to live without her. He didn't want to love anyone else but her. He didn't want to do this job if she wasn't beside him.
"Evan, you were made to save a life."
His mother's voice rang out in his head.
Then why couldn't I save her?! He thought.
He wanted to scream. He wanted to sob. He wanted her back.
He missed her smile, he missed her laugh, he missed the stupid jokes she'd tell to cheer everyone up on a hard day. He missed her warm hugs, and how she smelled like roses and lillies: her favorite perfume. Her hair always smelled fruity, and her skin was always so soft. He missed her giggles, and the way she'd gently caress her face. He wanted her back.
He wanted you hear from the damn hospital. Wanted to hear them say she made it through. It was nearing six hours after the shooting, and it felt like the longest six hours of his life.
He stood in the locker room, leaning against the metal doors, his head down. He squeezed his eyes shut, desperately trying to think of her in anyway that wasn't the lifeless look in her eyes. Even if she made it, that sight would haunt his nightmares. He mentally kicked himself for not telling her he loved her sooner. He knew she knew, he'll, everyone else did too. But he needed to know she heard it. And right now, he was praying for any miracle. He was praying that he'd get the chance to tell her, kiss her, hold her, anything.
He screamed, hitting the lockers to try to ease the pain in any way. He punched and punched, angry and distraught and so many other things. He wanted order, he needed something to ground him. Right now, that was the stinging pain in his knuckles. He punched the doors again and again, until his fist was as numb as he was inside. He fell to his knees, crying weakly.
Maddie came in, silently sitting next to him on the floor. She didn't try reassuring him that she'd be okay, because truth be told, she was terrified too. She also knew nothing she said would help ease his pain. So she simply laid a gentle hand on his cheek, turning his face to her. She smiled softly, bringing his face to hers, placing a gentle kiss to his forehead. He leaned on her, laying his head on her shoulder as he sobbed tiredly.
"I just need to know that she's okay." He croaked weakly. "I just need her to be okay." He sobbed enervated.
"Shh," she cooed softly, "I know." She whispered. She held his shoulders, letting her own tears fall.
"I'm not going to lie to you and say it'll be okay. I don't know if she's going to make it, and I won't try to pretend that I do. But I know one thing: she is incredibly strong." She said, pulling him away just enough to look him in the eye.
"She's got a lot of fire left in her, still got a lot of fight left. She doesn't give up easily, and I refuse to believe that this time is going to be any different. She's too stubborn and bull headed to let someone else decide when it's her time to leave. And I have that to hold onto." She said.
He smiled faintly. "Thank you." He whispered. "That helps." He said, nodding as he closed his eyes.
"You need to go home and rest." She said concerned.
He shook his head. "I can't sleep without knowing she's okay." He said defiantly.
Just then, Chimney ran in, Jee on his hip. "It's the hospital." He panted. "They've got news on Y/n." He said.
Maddie and Buck shot up from the floor, running out to the main floor where Bobby was on the phone with the doctor.
"Here they are, I'm putting you on speaker." He said when Maddie and Buck approached.
"I'm relieved to call with good news. Ms Y/l/n made it." He said relieved.
A collection of cheers sounded throughout the firehouse. And for the first time since she was shot, Buck felt all the tension leave his body. "Thank god." He muttered to himself.
"She suffered slight head trauma when she fell, and with the pain medication she's on, she'll probably be out for a while." He said.
"When can we see her?" Hen asked antsy.
"You can come down now if you'd like. Visiting hours are over, but I'll make an exception this time." He said.
"Thank you. Thank you so much." Bobby said.
Before he even ended the call, Buck was running to his jeep. He sped to the hospital, probably breaking several traffic laws on the way, but at the moment, he could care less. All he could think was, 'She's alive. She's really alive. She's okay.' In that moment, nothing else mattered to him. She was alive. That's all that he cared about.
He ran up to the receptionist, and as soon as he had her room number, he was running up the stairs.
The elevator might've been quicker, but the burn in his legs and the sharp jab in his gut as he took the stairs two at a time reminded him that he was awake, that it was real. She was really okay.
He saw her through the large window in the wall, the door slightly ajar. All the air left his lungs, he couldn't describe the immense relief any other way.
He rushed to her side, dropping into the chair beside her bed. The back of her gown was open, the bandages peeking through. Before he even registered it, he was tucking the blanket over her exposed skin. He took her hand in his, feeling her warm skin against his. He sighed, leaning his forehead against their intertwined hands. Up until now, he hadn't realized just how tired he was. His face was probably all red and puffy from crying, but he didn't care all that much any more. He'd hang the moon if it meant she would be okay. He'd hold the sky up for her if it meant he would see her smile again. He didn't care, all that mattered to him was that she was safe.
She groaned, squeezing his hand in hers. "Hey, Buckley." She croaked out with a dry throat.
He smiled, remembering when she would call him that when they first got to know each other. At first, it was because she was bad at remembering names and relied on the name tags, then it became a way for her to tease him because she knew he didn't like it. He would always respond with her last name too, but it was only her and a few other people who he allowed to call him that. The few other people being Hen, Chim, Bobby and Eddie. And of course his sister, but she only really did when he was about to be reprimanded for something. Other than that, no one else was allowed to use his full name. She was even allowed to call him Evan, but only when it was them and as long as it wasn't hostile.
"Hey, Y/l/n." He responded softly. He gently handed her the cup of ice water from the table beside her bed, helping her sit up slightly so she could take a drink. She nodded when she was finished and he set it down.
She smiled at him fondly. "You were right." She said. "Maybe I was being a little dramatic." She joked lightheartedly.
Maybe he wasn't in the mood, but that struck a cord with him. "You weren't being dramatic, Y/n, you flatlined. You almost died." He said seriously.
Her eyes widened and she sat forward slightly. "I- what?" She asked shocked.
His eyes began to water, and his had shook slightly. "You were dead. I thought you were gone. I was so scared." He whispered meekly.
She frowned, pulling his face to hers. She rested her forehead against his, gently wiping his tears away. "Hey, I'm right here, okay? I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." She whispered.
"You almost died. I didn't know what I was going to do if you didn't make it. I wasn't sure I could live with myself." He said softly. "I need you here. I've never loved anyone the way I love you." He admitted. He wasn't too particularly happy with the time and place, but he couldn't wait any longer. He needed to know he told her, he needed to know he said it.
She kissed him deeply, putting everything she was trying to tell him in it. That she was real, and she was alive, she wasn't going anywhere. That she loved him too.
"I love you. God, I've wanted to tell you for so long but I was too scared." He said.
"What made you not be scared anymore?" She asked.
"Oh, I'm still scared. I'm scared if we go all in and it ends badly, that I'll lose my best friend and the best thing that's ever happened to me. But, seeing you lay lifeless on the gurney, and that constant beep that showed your heart stopped, it scared me way more. I'm still scared, but not as scared as I was when I thought you died." He said.
Her face fell. "Oh, God, you saw me flatline?" She said, a mix of emotions crossing her face. He just nodded sadly.
"I saw through the window. There was so much blood. It's something that's going to haunt my nightmares for the foreseeable future." He said.
She stroked his cheek gently. "You said I could say it when I was better. Can I say it now?" She asked.
He closed his eyes and nodded. "Please."
"I love you, Evan Buckley." She said smiling.
He smiled relieved. She leaned her forehead against his again. "I love you so much." She whispered. "I love you, I love you, I love you." She said, peppering his face with kisses until he finally smiled. "There it is." She said softly.
"I'm never letting you go again." He said, gently pulling her into his chest to hug her, just wanted to hold her for a little while.
"Well, that's good, 'cus I'm never leaving your side." She said, sinking into his embrace.
Eventually, after a grueling 30 minutes of being stuck in traffic due to a pileup, the team finally made it to the hospital, only to find Y/n and Buck asleep.
Y/n lay back, the bed sitting up slightly, but not much. Buck lay right next to her chest, her arm over his shoulders, and their fingers entwined. It looked like they fell asleep talking and watching 'Gone With The Wind' on some channel. They all smiled at the sight, happy to see the two finally relaxed.
Each one took a seat somewhere and eventually fell asleep themselves. They weren't about to leave without giving Y/n a hug and reminding her how much they love her. Besides, they were all exhausted, physically, emotionally, and mentally. The hospital wasn't the best place to sleep, but they weren't about to leave their youngest member alone in a hospital room, let alone let Buck be there by himself. And maybe it was to make themselves feel better because they were all worried sick about her, maybe it was for her and Buck. All they knew: they weren't leaving her alone again.
Steve is your high school love in Yellow for @86munsonsblog
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