More Than Half The League Is Betting At Any Time That They Know When It's Actually Batman Under The Mask,

More than half the League is betting at any time that they know when it's actually Batman under the mask, or someone else. Unfortunately, they were wrong when:

Dick was doing a phenomenal job of playing Bruce (didn't give himself away even once by smiling), because he fell asleep

Batman stubbed his toe against a table and swore like a sailor which led to cash exchanging hands as several people figured it was Jason, but Bruce had recently switched out of Matches Malone to dress up as Bats and hadn't shaken the Mindset yet

Batman's suit sat weirdly empty at the table and Oliver, annoyed, tried to tell Damian that this was too serious a meeting for Bruce to delegate, but it was Batman, hit with a de-ageing spell and too stubborn to sit out

After sustaining pretty serious injuries, Batman was whiteknuckling the table, in an awful mood, and nobody thought anything of it. Barry offered to help Bruce up (if the pain was keeping him trapped, trying not to insult Batman too much), and Jason tightly replied that if he moved the suit was going to tear.

Clark and Bruce had a bet for how long they could replace Bruce with a mannequin without anyone noticing, and because Clark kept looking over at "Bruce" and giggling (pretty par for the course for them), nobody noticed for five hours.

Joker, on his joker tricycle that has rockets and flamethrowers on it: ITS TOO LATE BATMAN! IM ALREADY-

Batman: How are you making these things?

Joker: What?

Batman: These things. The contraptions that you use. Where do these come from?

Joker: What do you mean?

Batman: Where the hell are you getting these things from? Are you making them? Is someone else making them? Last week you had a giant jack in a box with your face on it that shoots out acid. Where did that come from? Did you make that yourself? Did you pay someone to make it?

Joker: Well-

Batman: The week before that you literally had a clown tank with several military grade missile. How do you obtain these things?! There’s nothing in the news of a tank being stolen or missiles going missing! And even if you stole the tank, how did you designed it to match your face so perfectly?!

Joker:…….

Batman: How do you have the time and resources to get these things?!

Joker, trying to think of a joke: Because uh…..Because I’m really Bruce Wayne under this make up.

Batman:…….

Joker:…….

Batman: Just shut the fuck up.

Let them be free

if you can’t eat a whole meal, eat half. you ate, that’s what is important.

if you can’t get out of bed, try and sit up instead of lying down. it’ll be better for your back and your blood pressure.

if you can’t shower or have a bath today, try and brush your teeth and clean your ears. it’ll keep you a little cleaner, and we often forget those areas. 

if you can’t get dressed today, change underwear and use some deoderant. it’ll leave you a little fresher until you have the strength to change fully.

and remember, i’m very proud of you. your best will look different every day, and that’s okay.

AU Where the Justice League forms as usual except for one slight difference where Bruce just so happens to have been the one superheroing for the longest. (Excluding Diana, who got up to it in World War 1 and then mostly didn't while she learned about Man's World)

Bruce helps form the Justice League, ignoring all of the comments as they come to the sudden realization that Gotham's baby cryptid story is actually a man in a very intimidating armored suit who can and will break your arm if you cause problems for him. They are unaware that this is not the first team he's led, and actually he's used to teams full of mostly teenagers who also happen to be his children. This should be easier, this team is primarily adults.

He realizes rapidly that he doesn't understand these people.

His kids take bonding activities to mean learning a dozen different ways to break someones leg. That doesn't fly with these people. And that is most of Bruce's ideas, hell when he was a kid Alfred took every opportunity to get him out of his room and mostly that was with the agreement that Alfred would teach him how to defend himself. He's come by it honestly.

This team is not easier. They have more drama than when his house was actually full of kids. It's insane. He doesn't know what to do with it, usually he just sent the kids to their rooms or grounded them from patrol. That doesn't work here.

He comes to a strange crossroads. That falls apart when he forgets who he's working with and snaps at Hal with a full room of heroes that the next person to throw a punch or an insult without a reason too will be sparring with him.

A long standing rule in the batcave that worked two fold to prevent infighting between the kids and too ensure that they were well and truly trained.

It works wonders. No one says a word out of line for the rest of the debrief. Bruce becomes the unofficial mediator of the league over Clark because anytime he walked in on a fight it suddenly became 10 times more civil out of sheer terror of what he'd do to them in a sparring match.

Eventually they actually meet his kids. Well, one kid.

Half way through a mission (one of the rare ones in Gotham) the Bat comes to a complete stop at the edge of an alley. Every single league member on the team comes to a stop behind him. Slowly from the shadows of the alley a man in a red helmet stalks out to greet them.

"You don't call, you don't write"

"Red Hood."

"Don't Red Hood me! We've been worried sick!"

"I was at the cave last night."

"You didn't answer my texts B. You always answer my texts."

Somehow it ends with big and scary following them through the rest of the mission with a running commentary of how much Bats has let him down in his failure to respond in a timely manner to a text send less than an hour before he ran into them in the alley. It only ends when Red Robin shows up.

And even then it only ends because Hood can't keep himself from throwing a punch and Bruce has to snap at him that if he throws another one they're sparring when they get home.

And by god is Jason giving up the chance to punch his brothers.

Victor: Did you know Batman had contingency plans for every hero in the world?

Dick: …Yeah, I helped with some and have my own.

Teen Titans: WHAT!?

-

Roy: I can’t believe both Bruce and Dick have contingency plans for us heroes, talk about mistrust, right Jay.

Jason: …

Outlaws: YOU DICK!

-

Bart: I just heard Batman, Nightwing and Red Hood has contingency plans for all of us. Tim you gotta tell them that’s not right.

Tim: But I have the same plans and some extra if the first don’t work.

Young Justice: WHAT!?

-

Birds of Prey: I’m glad you’re not part of Batman’s inner circle Oracle, turns out they have contingency plans for all of us. How can we trust someone who doesn’t trust us.

Oracle: But you trust me.

BoP: ARE YOU KIDDING US!?

-

Jon: So you have plans I guess?

Damian: To take you all down? Of course, doesn’t everybody?