Pike: I Have No Respect For Santa. Dont Sneak In Through The Chimney And Undermine My Authority By Bringing

Pike: I have no respect for Santa. Don’t sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my crew presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man.

Georgiou: I failed my safety training course today.

Pike: Why, what happened?

Georgiou: Well one of the questions was "In case of a fire, what steps would you take?"

Pike: And?

Georgiou: Well apparently "FUCKING LARGE ONES" isn't an acceptable answer.

Micheal: Why are you smiling?

Paul: What? Can’t I just be happy?

Tilly: Liutenant Tyler tripped and fell in the cafeteria

Detmer: You've all heard of elf on the shelf, now get ready for-

Detmer: *placing a pot on Pauls's head* A thot in a pot

Paul:

Paul: *getting up from his seat* Get ready for a bitch in a ditch because that's where you're gonna find your body, you little fu-

Next SNW episode when Kirk comes on board the crew should bust into another status report song and dance. Kirk asks “Did we hit another one of those subspace anomalies?” and Pike completely deadpan informs him “No, we rehearsed this.”

HUgh: I’m not a doctor I’m a medic.

Paul: What’s the difference then?

Hugh: Well doctors actually save lives, medics just make you feel more comfortable as you die.

Paul: Note to self; never get shot.